Oooh, ooooh! That would be me. Yup, take a nice long whiff people, because I’m super smelly. Why, you ask? Because I switched deodorant like a fool, like a damn fool!
I decided while at Whole Foods, that I would try an aluminum-free deodorant instead of my usual Secret mixed with Ban underarm concoction. I was in this weird soy-based, organic, hormone-free kind of mood, which is how I get when I go to Whole Foods. I’ll browse the isles with the mind-set that I’m one of those moms who eats balanced and healthy meals, who never gives her child processed foods, and who balks in the face of red meat, french fries, and refined sugar. Yeah, I was in one of those moods. I totally forgot that my everyday diet is filled with Funyuns and Skittles and I finish up with mozzarella sticks from Jack in the Box.
So anyway, I saw all these “all natural” and “aluminum free” deodorants, and I thought to myself, ‘what the heck’ and ‘why not?’ Again, I was in one of those moods.
So I threw two in my cart, but what I failed to consider are the deep ramifications of me smelling bad: I go to hair school. I wash people’s hair and my arm pits are directly in their line of smell, next I cut their hair and my arm pits are right there again. And then there’s the blow dry, guess where my arm pits are? Yep, in their face.
I went to school last night, and after one whole hour I smelled like a teenage boy. I tried to keep my elbows tucked firmly into my sides as to insure the stink wouldn’t seep out, but I looked liked I was doing an awkward T-Rex impression.
Then I tried to joke about it, I’d say, “WHEW! Smells like someone’s getting a perm! Jeepers, that stinks!” And then my clients would laugh uncomfortably because they knew that my arm pits were the ones with the funky perm.
I guess that concludes my aluminum-free deodorant experience. Perhaps if I didn’t sweat like a 400 pound man I would be able to just rub a pretty crystal all over my arm pits and be done with it.
Please enjoy this photograph. It’s basically what my husband and I look like every morning when I help him apply his deodorant as he flexes his arm.