HIPPO BRIGADE

Wanted: a Sassy, Snarky, Silly Side Kick

I just realized that I don’t have a cheeky side kick.

I need one of those.

He’d have to be a petite gay man who wears a ity bittly Gucci backpack. His backpack would be filled with fruit flavored gum, a Swarovski encrusted cell phone with matching hand mirror, and Lactaid, because he loves frozen yogurt, but it gives him wreched  gas…just like me. OMG! We were meant for each other.

He needs to be able to say out loud what I am thinking silently in my brain.

Like being in line at the bank for instance, because I’m always in line at the bank. Actually I was just thinking, “Gosh, when am I NOT in line at the bank, sheesh and frick almighty. I have so much cash that always needs to be banked!”

Banked?

So, when I’m in like at the bank making a deposit and the teller has an eye patch, and I’m thinking, clearly she’s a pirate. My cheeky side kick will say something like, ” Now, are you going to bury that treasure or just put it in the vault?”

And then the teller will give us a dirty look with her one good eye, and try to throw pens at us as we leave, but her peripheral vision is compromised, so she’ll miss and end up throwing pens at a paraplegic nun and a bunch of babies. Then we’ll giggle like a couple school girls, give each other a hi-five, and then go get some fro-yo with sprinkles, on our way to HELL.

That would be so much fun.

I need someone like that in my life.

His name could be something random like Tulie, and he’d always borrow my scarfs and skinny jeans, and of course, he’d look better in them than me. And the only rule would be that he’s  super not allowed to have a tiny dog. Because I already have Zoey, and she’s the queen bitch around here. Plus I don’t get the whole dogs as accessories that wear sweaters and ride around in strollers thing, and neither does Tulie. Instead we’d make fun of those people and then, just to see what all the fuss was about, we’d walk Zoey in my stroller.

And we’d realize that it’s kind of fun.

Yeah, I totally need someone like that in my life.

Is there some sort of website-type service for finding me my snarky side kick?

If not there needs to be.

YES!. That’s my million dollar idea.

sidekickforbeckeyandanyoneelsewhoneedsone.com

Hands off, it’s my idea. Go get your own.