That time I almost killed a guy
9 Comments
March 4, 2011
The other day I almost hit a guy.
Yup.
There he was crossing the street of the grocery store parking lot. Probably thinking about the fantastically low price on pork loin and whistling a tune from his youth, when I came careening around the corner and nearly took out his legs.
It’s true, I almost smashed him.
Broke his parts into a million bits.
Thankfully he stopped just in time.
And then I slammed on the brakes.
And then I did that thing where I started pantomiming.
I did the I’m so sorry thing, with my hands over my heart and shaking my head. And then I did one of those deep exhales. Because I was genuinely sorry, and completely shooken up. And I was horrified of the thought that I almost ran someone over.
Oh and did I mention that he was wearing an American Heart Association pin? He was probably doing some charity work, and I almost took his feet off. Or at least a few toes.
Oh and did I mention my kids were in the car?
How awful for them to see a man ran over by their own mom.
UGH!
So, anyways, I did the whole mimey thing and I mouthed I’m SO SORRY! to him.
And he was like, YEAH YOU ARE!
And I was like NO, I REALLY AM.
And then he did that head shake that dads do when they’re really disappointed in you.
You know what I’m talking about. Like when you came home a little late from hanging out with your friends, and your drunk friend asked to spend the night, because she didn’t want her mom to find out, and you thought that was probably okay, you didn’t drink, but you wern’t about to send your friend home all drunky and whatnot. Who knew what kinds of shenanigans she could have got into on her trek home. But your dad was there at the door waiting for you, and could clearly see that something was up with your friend, and you were like, BUT DAD! I did the right thing, and he was like, the right thing would have been NOT to go to the party, and you were like, BUT DAD, I can’t NOT go to parties. I have a reputation to maintain And then he sent you both to your room, but before he did, he did that disappointed-father head shake. And you would have taken a week’s long grounding instead of the disappointed-father head shake. But there it was, shaking right in front of you. Reminding you that you suck.
So the guy I nearly took out shook his head, and then the really strange part, right after I felt super sucky about myself, was that I didn’t wait for Mr. Man to cross in front of my car like he ultimately wanted to do, right before I almost killed him. Perhaps kill is too strong a word, but who knows, if he has a preexisting heart condition, I guess it’s possible.
I started to go first.
I was like, okay, I stopped for you, now get outta my way now, so I can catch the light and go home. I have milk!
He almost slapped the hood of my car, he was so angry.
So I stopped again, and FINALLY let him pass.
Moral of my story is not to bore you with the details of a 13 second encounter with a man in the grocery store parking lot, but to expose what a snot I really am.
I really am THAT selfish.
Part of me was like, excuse me sir, I know I almost ran over your legs and ankles, but my needs are more important than yours, and I have to go, RIGHT NOW.
I guess you can say I had an “AH-HA” moment thanks to Mr. Heart Association.
Sorry I almost hurt you real bad, and sorry I was such a giant d-bag about the whole thing.
And now I have some things I need to work on.
I have to soul search, and find out why I’m such a selfish wang.
And how to resolve to be better.
And I have to find ways to use the word wang more.
Because that’s always fun to say.
I once ran over a cat en route to the zoo with my kids.
by Rima on March 4, 2011
Well, part of the problem is that pedestrians have become so arrogant these days. They have that “no one’s gonna hit me” mentality that makes them blindly step off of curbs to saunter into oncoming traffic and then look at you like you’re the asshole when you have to slam on your brakes to keep from hitting them.
That said, you probably shouldn’t be careening through grocery store parking lots. *head shake*
by BeckEye on March 4, 2011
I WAS tracking right along with you and even feeling your pain and panic UNTIL the dude did the disappointed head shake. I *might* have told my kids to close their eyes and just hit him anyway just for that. Clearly I have one or two things to work on as well.
by Kori on March 4, 2011
I don’t see the problem. You said sorry. He knew you were there. He should have let you go.
If you see him again just bump his knees.
by Libby on March 6, 2011
He obviously doesn’t need his legs to do that head shake thing anyway. He can do that from anywhere.
by Kelly on March 7, 2011
I love this story!
Once I accidentally froze like a deer in the headlights when I realized I was crossing into the path of a guy on a bicycle. He was going SO FAST I just panicked. As he sped past he yelled back to me, “What is WRONG with you?!!” I walked the path around the lake like three times thinking, what IS wrong with me before I finally got my wits about me and realized, no, sir, what is wrong with YOU?? In your perfect words, he was genuinely a wang.
by Brooke on March 7, 2011
I did the same thing about a year ago, with the same results. It’s hard to say who was really at fault in the situation since both of us were in our own worlds, me watching for oncoming traffic to merge and he pedaling on his bicycle and not watching traffic.
by MomZombie on March 8, 2011
This one is my MOST favorite.
by melinda on March 11, 2011
Have you ever visited Lakeside Ohio? “The town where people believe it is their right to walk/ride their bike or scooter anywhere they like, especially in front or your moving vehicle at the slowest pace ever.” (Yeah I’m talkin to you kids!) I feel like such an old lady when I think ‘darn you kids, don’t your parents teach you how to look both ways before careening into my car?’
by Elizabeth on July 4, 2011
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