Separation Anxiety


September 16, 2011

You know some days when you look through old baby photos? The ones in the hall that you pass a hundred times? But then you stop, and actually look at them, and you think, Gosh, what the heck happened? You used to be a tiny baby, all squishy and puffy, but now you’re huge, and I can talk to you about the proper way to wipe your own ass, and you tell jokes about stinky trees, and you go to school with friends who adore you.

No lie, I drop Berlyn off at school and the second she appears on the play ground 5 of her girlfriends stop everything they are doing and flock to her, circle around her, and hug her, all while chanting “BERLYN!! BERLYN!!” It’s weird. Weird because she’s the only one they do that to. And I’m pretty sure, if they were in prison, Berlyn would be the one that gave everyone cigarettes and nudie magazines. I just have to figure out what she’s doing to make everyone go crazy for her. When I leave does she pull princess gummy snacks out of her pockets, throw them in the air, and proclaim, “Let it rain!!” Perhaps it’s just that she’s just really cool. I mean, I think she’s the coolest 4-year-old I know. And it warms my heart when others think that way too. With or without the fruit snacks.

You know what part I can’t get over is how secure and comfortable I feel about dropping her off. I used to cling to her when she first started going to school. And then I used to pace around outside the door waiting until the clock struck 12:30 so I could dive in her room and pick her up. My uneasiness started when she was 9 months old. That was the first time I ever dropped her off at the church nursery. I don’t think I sat still that entire church service. And the second the lights dimmed and the worship started, I snuck back into the nursery and grabbed her, kissed her a thousand times, and wiped her down with soap and water.

I’m the same way with Hudson. I can’t stand the thought of leaving him. I’m the one with the attachment issues, not him. Sure, he’ll put up a small fight right when I first drop him off at the church nursery, but soon after he settles in, he plays with cars, he eats fistfuls of Cheerios,  he takes a dump, and the he stares at the other kids. He’s fine. And then a hour later, POOF, I’m back.

But lately, I just can’t seem to do it. I look at that depressing room with overturned chairs and the kids with sticky, snotty fingers, and I think, “No thank you.”



Berlyn can go, and enjoy all the excitement of coloring in a picture of Jesus and making a bracelet out of yarn, but I’ll hang on to Hudson. He’s just too tiny and too sweet to drop off.


I don’t know what it is. Maybe I have issues. Perhaps I need therapy. It might be the germs. Germs scare me. They’re starting to scare me less than before, but I still can’t help it, when I see a child with boogers in his eyebrows, I get squimish.


And I feel uncozy when I don’t know the people who I’m dropping him off with. It’s always different, and one day it was a 12-year-old boy. Nothing against 12-year-old boys, but they’re not the most nurturing when it comes to crying babies.


So I’ll continue to go to church, but I’m bringing my Hudson with me. I figure when he’s 4 I’ll drop him off. But for now I’ll hang on to him.


I’ll blame it on the germs or the inadequate child care, but really it’s because I’m the one with the separation anxiety.




I have anxiety about leaving Mea at the church daycare for the same reason, and she is 5. I don’t know those people. She’d probably love it. I just don’t like leaving my kids with strangers.

Mea also gets the cheers for her when she shows up at school or daycare. You would totally think she was a celebrity the way the kids shout, “Mea Mea, Mea Mea!” Always doubles of her name. I think she secretly passes out candy or gum or something the way they all scream her name.

by Kelly on September 16, 2011

I don’t blame you for keeping Hudson…especially last Sunday! I am one of the strangers people leave their kids with at church and although I think I take care of little nuggets pretty well, I think I will end up being the same way when I have kids. Because of the germs. Parents drop off kids when they are sick and healthy…last weekend was snot city and I was the mayor on clean up duty. It is a wonder I don’t get sick every other week.

by Julie on September 16, 2011

“Let it rain!” Oh god that whole scenario had me cracking up.
I don’t have any children but my vote is you hold on to your little Hudson for as long as you can. He’ll be big soon enough.

by Vapid Vixen on September 17, 2011

This just reminded me of a sign I saw on the web a while back… “Wash your hands and say your prayers, ’cause Jesus & Germs are everywhere”…

by Kamma on September 19, 2011

I feel that! Even at 18, when my boy has had numerous global reaching field trips and has flown across continents alone, I literally almost lost it completely when we had to let him go and drive off when he started University a few weeks ago. I had to leave him there and get on a plane and fly a continent away. And I knew this was it. The next time I see him, it will only be for a visit. Never again will he be my little boy, living with me, under my care. Wow! I promise you I felt the same way you do about that upturned room. IT DOESN’T GET EASIER.

I posted about the trauma of it all over on Holli’s Ramblings…please come visit and we can commiserate. 🙂

by Holli on September 23, 2011

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