HIPPO BRIGADE

Sassy Acne

I woke up this morning with three new zits. They are huge, and because they have taken up so much real estate on my face, I’ve decided to name them. The one that sits high on my cheek bone, proud and shiny is named Maurice. The one that is down and to the right of my bottom lip is Bernadette, and the rude and completely inconsiderate one on my NECK is called Phyllis. Yes, that’s right, I have a zit on my neck, and stupid Phyllis won’t pop. I’ve squeezed her to the point of irritation and inflammation, but no sweet expulsion of puss. All I want is a stream of white/yellowish goo to seep out of my face. Oops, is that too gross for you? I’m sorry, it seems I got carried away.
I don’t get it. Right now I have the skin of a high schooler. Well, except I have fine lines, sun damage, and ripe amount of cellulite on my ass. So, actually my skin is worse then it was when I was experiencing my first kiss. This is a shaming realization. I’m an adult. I’ve already lived the embarrassment of having a white head while giving an oral presentation on Don Quixote in my Spanish 2 class. And the horror of having a zit on a date, and then popping it in the bathroom, only to have my date say five minutes later, “uh, you have blood dripping off your forehead.”
Crap.
So, yeah, I’m done with acne. You hear that, Maurice, Bernadette, and Phyllis!? I’m done with you!! YOU CAN SUCK IT!
Maybe to combat my sassy acne, I’ll get one of these beasts:

You stick it on your zit, it heats up, and incinerates your pimple.

Yes please.