HIPPO BRIGADE

Oh Shit!

I put Berlyn down for a nap fully clothed and a tad ornery. She was sleepy, but I heard her rolling around in her crib for a good twenty minutes before she nodded off. I didn’t check on her, because she was almost through reading “Animals to Count.” It was a nail biter for her, so you can understand me not wanting to disturb her precious down-time. She finally finished babbling and took a nap for about an hour and a half.

When I returned to her room after her nap, I found her sans clothing. She had taken off her t-shirt and pants, and only had on her diaper–which she had successfully soiled. As I neared her crib I noticed that she was lightly covered in FECES! It was on her belly, all mashed in and swirled about, and there was a poo-crusty on her finger and shockingly, ON HER FACE. I can’t say with certainty that she ate any poop, but my mind wandered to a dark, poo-eating place. I immediately panicked and yelled for my husband. The way I was shrieking you’d swear she coughed up a baby gorilla. Pat came in a tried to calm me down, but I couldn’t; my sweet, adorable baby was covered in HER OWN POO! I worked quickly to wipe her down and sanitize her entire body, and as I did, she giggled and clapped in delight:

“Oh, mom, I had so much fun after you shut the door to my room. I took off all my clothes and threw them out of the crib, then I reached into my squishy diaper and found all this fun goo to play with. It was the best.”

I striped the bed and boiled the sheets–ewww and double yuck. I didn’t know what to do about the alleged poo-eating, so I reached for the phone to call the nurse at her pediatrician’s office. I left a long descriptive message about how ordinarily Berlyn is a charming young lady who minds her manners and enjoys hot tea and crumpets at high-noon. I didn’t know what I was expecting them to tell me, but I felt better about letting them know what was going on in my home.

The nurses never called me back. They probably thought I was insane for calling, and most parents should just laugh about it and move on with their day. So, now I have this vision that the nurses are all playing back my message to their nurse/doctor friends for a good chuckle.

Thanks Berlyn, now we’re the laughing stock of the office.