the Hippo Brigade

Not Quite Vegan

3 Comments

March 24, 2011

You know when you throw a party and you invite all these cool people and then someone lame shows up, who didn’t even bother bringing you a gift, and you’re like, “Um, hello? Would it have been that difficult to grab something awesome from your house and tie a bow on it? And they’re all, “Frick where’s the vodka?” And you’re all, “Yeah, this is a kid’s birthday party. We are only serving Capri Suns and Mike’s Hard Lemonade with fun straws.” And then they’re all, “Do you have anything other than meat and cheese, I’m vegan.” And you’re all, “Vegan?! What the crap’s wrong with you? We’re humans, we are supposed to eat animals! COW and PIGS are yummy!! Ummm. sausage…”

And they’re all, “Um, no. It’s gross, do you have some lentils or something.” And you’re like, “Here’s an apple, bon appetit. Who the hell invited you anyways?” And they’re like, “You did. We’re best friends. See we even have matching tattoos.” And you’re like, “Whatever.” ::High five:: “But seriously, vegan?”

 

So now I’m that person.

Okay, no. I’m not officially vegan or anything. And I’m certainly not giving up my collection of leather jackets or shoes, or handbags. Or drawerful of tiny dead animals. But I am thinking very differently about the food I eat.

First thing to go was dairy.

I love dairy. A frosty glass of milk with exactly 3 ice cubes in it makes me smile. Especially if it’s accompanied with any varietal of girl scout cookies, except for those lame friendship ones. BAH! who are they kidding. If you really want some friendship bring me a box of thin mints RIGHT NOW.

I also love things that are creamy (Insert dirty joke here). And things that are creamy usually come from a cow.

Damn cows.

Tofu cheese just isn’t doing it for me yet.

Why no diary? Because it hurts my insides. In case you’re wondering what that means, it’s code for I’ll poo all over you. Plus, it gives me a wicked case of the farts. And if milk smells that rancid coming out, imagine what it’s doing to my body.

Interesting tidbits about dairy:

Most people can’t process dairy (about 60%). And almost all Asians can’t. Ever wonder why sushi never comes with a gooey slab of melted cheese on it?

Also ethically, dairy cows are not treated very nice at all. Plus if you’re a breastfeeding mama, you know what it feels like having your boobies hooked up to a pump. Can you imagine that ALL THE TIME? And then they shove those cows full of a ton of hormones to keep them lactating. No thank you. And then we give it to our kids? Yay! But it’s so healthy. Nope. It’s watered down white stuff. Have some almond milk instead.

Plus dairy is a major inflammatory. It makes your insides all wonky. And it makes you fart. A lot.

So we are swearing off dairy.

But what about animals? Are you still gonna eat animals?

Yes. Animals are tasty. I like them. But here’s the deal: I don’t like how they are treated. So, our family eats very vegan most nights, and when we have a hankerin’ for some beef I buy it at an animal welfare approved meat. Go here to find a store that has happy meat.

So there you go.

Oh, and I also bought a juicer and I’ve been juicing the crap out of fruits and veggies. A tall frothy glass of beets, cucumbers and kale? Yes please.

I thought my kids would be all about it. I gave Berlyn a taste of real apple juice and she was all, Playa pull-eeze, that shiz nasty.

But Hudson hopped right on board with mommy’s-magical-juicing-trip.

So does this mean you can’t invite me to parties or if you do you have to set aside some warm curried lentils for me and my family?

Probably.

Does this mean I’ll look down on you while you eat a fast food hamburger?

Yes.

But I won’t have a offensive case of the farts all the time. So, I think that evens everything out.

Cheers!

Here’s a good book recommendation if you’re interested in eating better.