Not buying it
7 Comments
November 9, 2010
It was a quiet morning. Hudson was sleeping and Berlyn was at school. I was sitting at my dining room table looking at my computer. I was enjoying coffee and a viral video with Keenan Cahill and 50 Cent when I was accosted with a loud knock at my door.
I jumped up, brushed the Triscut crumbs off my pants, grabbed my bra, and went to answer the door.
Was it my Amazon order? Perhaps it was my neighbor coming over to borrow some eggs? Maybe I just won the Publisher Clearing House. I’ve always wanted to win something awesome.
And walking into the bank holding one of those giant checks would make me feel so frickin’ cool.
I’d be all smug, with my head held high, but then I’d feel like a real ass because I’d take out three people as I turned the check over to endorse the back. I’d say sorry, and offer to buy them a blueberry Slurpee when I was done depositing my gignormous check, because I was a millionaire now, and I could afford to buy mass amounts of Slurpees. Hell, I can even buy a Slurpee machine. Think bigger Beckey, you’re a millionaire now, you can even buy the whole Slurpee enterprise!
BLUE SLURPEES FOR EVERYONE!
All the bank patrons would clap and pull out their phones to take my picture with my huge-normous check, and I’d do something borderline inappropriate for the photo like mount the check and pretend to ride while smacking it’s anthropomorphic butt, because I know they’re all posting their photos to Facebook, and under the caption they’re writing something like, “Blue Slurpee Princess saves my day!!” And I want to make sure the photo gets them at least 7 ‘likes’ and 4 comments.
Because I care.
I’m a carer. It’s what I do.
So, at this point I’m wrestling to get my bra hooked and as I look through the peep hole I see two women:
Nicely dressed.
Chit chatting on my porch.
Who are they?
I don’t know them.
And where the hell is my gargantuan check for one million dollars?
I look closer into the peep hole and they’re holding a big thick book with shiny pages.
A Bible?
An Encyclopedia Britannica?
I decide not to answer the door. They obviously want to sell me something, and I don’t feel like buying today. Yesterday I was in more of a buying mood. I bought a few things on anthropologie.com, and a new Marc by Marc Jacobs iPhone case, Oh! And I almost bought some adorable Frye boots.
Almost.
But today, meh, not so much into the buying. It comes in waves. Kind of like my bouts with IBS.
So I just stared at them through the peep hole. Because aside from being a carer, I’m also kind of creepy.
And aren’t you just a little pissed that you wiped off the Triscuit crumbs AND grabbed the bra? I would be. I get annoyed because I have a window in my front door so I can’t really avoid people. Unless I put something over the window, which I don’t do because I am lazy and I like to complain.
by Kori on November 9, 2010
You should have not worried about the bra, and lost the shirt. If they were missionaries they would have appreciated it.
by Libby on November 9, 2010
I answered the door to some Religious door knockers once. I was holding my 9 month old, was 5 months preg with my 3rd kid, had my 5 year old son hanging off me and my step-kids were home as well…My step-kids were 16 and 13….the man asked where my husband was..I said “what husband?” then they asked how old my kids were…I told them. Then they looked at me and asked how old I was. I said 25…they left. I may have made out that the step-kids were mine. They never came back either….
by Toni on November 9, 2010
I love that you took their picture through the peephole. I don’t answer the door either. It’s my door. Come to think of it, I often don’t answer my phone either. That’s what voicemail is for.
by Jen on November 10, 2010
YAY I love the photo through the eyehole. You are creeptastic!
I have a front gate where people have to ring the doorbell, but I pulled it out of the wall so it’s just a bunch of wires now. Ahhh peace and quiet.
by Steam Me Up, Kid on November 11, 2010
HA!! I never answer the door either… unless I have something baking. I like to quickly give them cookies then send them on their way. I feel so bad that they are hoofing it all over the place.
by kara-noel on November 14, 2010
I sit and stare at people through my peep hole too, sometimes I make faces at them (but only if I’m feeling ultra creepy). What scares me is when they put their eye up to the peep hole…can they see me? do they have some crazy x-ray machine that can sense me on the other side? are they mind readers???
I think I may begin taking pictures of these invaders and hang a Most Wanted type poster outside my door. Take that you 45 year old pretending to earn a trip to France with your college history class…who do you think you’re fooling!?!
by Christina on November 18, 2010
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