March 3, 2010
When we moved here we learned some interesting stuff via our crazy neighbor. Namely, the wild animal sightings.
She was all, “Be careful with your dog and children playing in your front yard because there are coyotes, and mountain lions.” And then she paused for dramatic effect, gave me the creepy eye, and I’m almost positive she growled like a lion.
And I was all, “Okay lady. Whatever. I’m good. I know all about werewolves because I’m up to date on my Twilight novels.”
No, not werewolves, coyotes and mountain lions.
Yeah, yeah. Whatevs.
No, I don’t think you heard me, they will snatch your baby right out of your arms and rip his head off, and when they’re done dismembering your tiny newborn, they’ll eat your idiotic pug whole, and then they’ll take a steamy dump on your porch. And bits of your family will be in the poo, and because you’re so beside yourself with horror, you’ll probably dig in the shit to piece everyone back together. And you’ll lift your poo stained hands to the sky and scream, ‘WHY??!’ And I’ll be looking through my front window, and chide quietly to myself, ‘told you so.’
You’re kinda crazy, aren’t you?
Okay, Crazy. I’m going inside now.
And then I googled mountain lions, because in my mind they looked like this:
And they don’t look like it could rip my head off, and then take a spiteful dump on my porch.
But after a quick google search, I realized that mountain lions actually look like this:
But let’s be honest, crazy neighbor lady, we live in a concrete jungle of sprawling suburbia. There aren’t any mountain lions. There are rats, and crows, and the occasional abandoned Chihuahua, but mountain lions?
I don’t think so.