Maybe if I hired real massage therapists, and not Panda Express employees, I wouldn’t keep having these experiences.

So it turns out that I’m a celebrity.

Or, wait, my mom’s a celebrity, so that makes me a celebrity by proxy.

Why?

Because we had massages in her living room with her private masseur.

How bourgeoisie is that?

But because we ate left over Costco pizza, I think all the fancy was negated.

So, here’s the weird thing:

she massaged my ARM PITS.

She got right in there, and starting working my prickly and deodorant covered arm pits, like she was kneading some dough.

I didn’t know whether to smack her in the part that her lotion fanny pack covered, or start hysterically gyrating around like a wet noodle.

I did not like it.

Who massages in the arm pit?

Especially the arm pit of a lactating mother.

There are milk ducts in my arm pit.

We could have had a situation.

Although…

If she brought some cookies, we could have turned that situation into a par-tay.

Speaking of weird massages…

I’ve also been massaged in my mouth.

Yeah, the masseuse took her gloved finger and shoved it into my mouth and massaged my jaw.

I was like, “Kuld, juew not do that Pulese?”

Oh, and in Paris, I was massaged in between my boobs.

As in, she flipped the covers down, and massaged right in between my bare-naked ta-tas.

I didn’t mind that one so much.

It was like, hey, I’m in Europe, this is normal, right?

Plus I was on my honeymoon and I was just used to being naked and fondled.
WHAT!? did I just say that?

Yes, yes, I did.

Anyone out there have any weird massage stories? Or naked stories. Or fondling stories? Or fanny pack stories?

Please share, because sharing is fun.

15 thoughts on “Maybe if I hired real massage therapists, and not Panda Express employees, I wouldn’t keep having these experiences.

  1. man, as if this weren’t funny enough, all these juicy keywords are going to make your google searches go nuts. i expect a full report in the coming days.

  2. I once had a massage where the girl got up on the table, held onto a bar on the ceiling and JUMPED on my back.

    I think that still would have been better than the armpit thing.

  3. Hey Mike! The iPad is a pretty incredible device. Fun to use, where a computer feels like work (probably just because it’s new). Go play with one at an apple store, you’ll see what I’m talking about. Cheers.

  4. As a massage therapist I could see why someone would get their armpits massaged but that is not a normal thing to do and should really only be done if it was discussed before hand. Arm pit massage is great for your lymph system but most people wouldn’t need it. Now the between the boob thing is totally normal and a great stress relief most Americans think it’s weird but that’s just our culture I suppose. If you ever want to feel like a celebrity give me a call and I won’t massage your pits. :)

  5. ugh. these are all reasons that I’ve never wanted nor had a massage.

    I’m not so much with the wanting of the touching.

  6. The mouth thing? I would have laughed my ass off. That’s just so wrong, and gross, and the opposite of relaxing.

    I once got a massage by a very strong young woman who decided to massage my hair follicles by DRAGGING ME ACROSS THE EFFING MASSAGE TABLE BY MY PONYTAIL!!! Yeah, that’s right. Wrapped my hair around her fist and pulled me for about a foot. I cried a little, but I didn’t say anything because I hate hurting people’s feelings when they’re being creative, which I think she thought she was, but as punishment for my consideration she DID IT AGAIN OH GOD NO MAKE IT STOP!!

    I’m still baffled by that one.

  7. Your post and the subsequent comments are all the proof I need that my fear of massages is not unfounded. Only *certain* people are allowed to touchy touchy.

  8. Found you through a blog her sidebar and actually laughed out loud. When I was newly preggo with my first, my hubby got me a massage for mother’s day. I’m overweight, we had just moved to a new city, and so the place he found didn’t come on recommendation. She did a full body massage, which I hate because of 1)I’ve overweight and 2) any area of my body being touched beside my back by a stranger makes me really uncomfortable. When she got to my legs, it was like she started at my ankle and tried to shove all my leg fat into my ass, which already had plenty of fat thankyouverymuch. And also? It was painful. As if that wasn’t horrible enough (since I carry my extra weight in my hips and thighs) then she just let go. It actually made a sound – like blughgggnttht. I was also afraid I had just started an earthquake. I was horrified. I knew my legs were chunky, but I had no idea they were capable of making sounds like that. Who does that? I mean…hello!??!!? Pregnant, hormonal woman on the table…what was she thinking? That was my last massage.

  9. too funny. Cant wait to get a massage. asked my hubby to give me 1 he said he is afraid to (his words were) afraid like some people are afraid of spiders. Whatever…. so now he has to dish out the money for me to get 1 whenever i want it.. lol

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