Massage Thoughts

I had a massage last night. Have you ever noticed that massages are kinda weird? I mean, think about it: there you are, totally naked while some stranger rubs you. Undies are of course optional. I chose to wear them. They make me feel safe and somehow less naked. On the day of the massage I decided it would be best if I abandoned my stretched out and faded knickers and traded them in for a pair of pretty undies with hearts on them. This is because I want my masseuse to know that not only am I adorable, hence the hearts, but I’m classy too, hence the absense of stains. I’m not all that modest, but something about being totally vulnerable on a massage table makes me aware of everything, and I’m pretty confident that she snuck a peek at my goodies when I flipped over.
I tried so hard to relax, I put my face in the hole, I closed my eyes, and focused on taking deep, cleansing breaths. I listened to the soft chimes and woodwinds, but my stupid thoughts kept interrupting me:

Can she see all my cellulite when she squishes my leg fat? What if I have a huge whitehead on my back and she’s afraid to massage near it, for fear that it might explode. I wonder what kind of shoes she’s wearing… they look like Asics, or maybe they’re New Balance. I wonder if my leg hair is offending her.  Do they make special shoes just for masseuses? I wonder if she jogs in them too. I would, if I had a pair of nice athletic shoes that I had to wear to work. Oh, but wait, I don’t jog. Sometimes I consider jogging, but then I realize what hard work it is.  And instead of sweating and wheezing, I think I’d rather watch the DIY network, eat avocado hummus, and dream up ways to use flagstone to adorn my landscaping. What if I farted right now? Would she giggle? Would I? Oh, crap, now I think I have to fart!! HOLD IT…STEADY. SQUEEZE IT, BECKEY! Okay, I’m good now. I think I am finally relaxed…

“Is the pressure alright?”

“Yeah, It’ss goood.”

*And no, I did not fart while getting my massage. I waited until after my masseuse left the room. I am a lady, after all.

5 thoughts on “Massage Thoughts

  1. Don’t worry, she doesn’t want to see your cellulite or whiteheads. That’s why she turns the lights down. :-)

    I love getting massages, and I too have trouble relaxing too because of all those thoughts running through my head. Like how my massage lady’s stomach always grumbles. The other day this happened again and I thought that maybe it’s because I always schedule right around lunchtime. Maybe I’m to blame.

  2. So true. That is why I go to my sister. I hate when you are trying to relax and they keep talking to you and all you want to do is lay there and listen to the music and smell the oil that they have gooped all over you!

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