HIPPO BRIGADE

Making presents: a Tutorial in Hot Glue-Gunning your Fingers Together

Recently I was invited to a baby shower. I was thrilled because babies are neat, and sitting in a circle with floral dressed women is neat, and making uncomfortable small talk is always neat.

I found myself at a ridiculously expensive baby boutique a week or so before the baby shower browsing the rounder for True Religion jeans for Berlyn. What? You don’t spend 200 dollars on your baby’s jeans? You must not want her to succeed in life. Wait–you know I’m kidding, right? Anyways, I saw this adorable diaper wipe case that was covered in fabric and ribbon, and selling for 25 bucks. I turned to Berlyn, and asked, “I can do this, can’t I?”

She looked up at me and declared, “Yeckidoo.” That means, yes mother, you can. So I decided to become crafty for a day. Note, it was only a day, and I stopped way before I started stenciling my bathroom walls and decoupaging hat boxes from TJ Max.

Let’s get started.

Step 1. Find a baby shower to attend. Make sure you actually like the mother, because the blisters your fingers will endure better be worth it.

Step 2. Secure a wipe case. A new one is preferable. The mother might not appreciate your recycling efforts. They sell them at Babies R Us for like a dollar something.

Step 3. Cover it in batting. This makes it soft and squishy–maybe the mother would like to cuddle it after a long night of baby screaming, you never know, and it’s not our job to judge.

Step 4. Plug in your hot glue gun, because it’s time to burn the shiz out of your fingers.

Step 5. Cover the case in fabric. This is not as easy at it may seem. But you go ahead and give it a try, let me know how it goes for you.

Step 6. Cover up all your nasty edges in a pretty ribbon, so no one has to see what a total slob you are.

Step 7. Add some more decorative ribbon, because I always say, the fancier the better. We’re pulling out all the stops people, plus I have a crush on ric rac, and it’s pretty serious.

Step 8. Because you can’t just give some one a wipe case for a baby shower, use the remaining fabric and ribbon, and sew it to some cloth diapers–Zing ZA DAN! Instant cute!!

Step. what number are we on?? let’s say 11, wrap some ribbon around everything and try to forge a smile when you give the gift, even though you know that most of your finger skin is firmly attached to some parts of the case.