HIPPO BRIGADE

Last night I had this dream…

February 17, 2010

I have this adorable trait–

I’m the girl who tells everyone about my dreams.

Well, I think it’s adorable, because I happen to think most things I do are adorable.

Like the mouth guard and moisturizing gloves I wear to bed at night?

Adorable.

When I talk over you when you’re trying to tell me a fascinating story about your life?

Adorable

And when I bite my toe nails off while sitting on the couch because I’m too lazy to go upstairs and get the clippers, and toe-nail particles get stuck in the cushions?

ADORA-FRICKIN-BLE

So yeah, I like to tell people about my dreams.

If I have the most insane dream about you, I call you immediately and tell you all about it.

I’ll be all, OMG, I had the most fascinating dream! You were flying with me in the sky and your armpits looked like a tiger and then we fell out of the sky and landed on a shoe store. But it wasn’t a cute shoe store, it was one of those specialty stores that sell to people with fat feet. But it turns out that I had fat feet, so while we browsed the isles, you told me that you were actually Bruce Willis, and then you french kissed me.

And you’d be all…So?

And I’d look at the floor, pick my finger, and then hang up because, you know what?

No one likes hearing about other people’s dreams.

Except, no one told me that.

I had to find out on my own.

I woke up from having the most insane dream, and I turned to my husband and told him all about it, then I started to interpret it. I said, “I think when I started humping the bust of Margaret Thatcher, it was my way of saying F-You England! You think you’re so cool with your fancy way of saying words. And I’m almost positive it stems back to my childhood and my feelings of inadequecy…don’t you agree? Pat? PAT!!”

And my half asleep husband said, “I don’t give a rat’s ass about your dream.”

After that I locked myself in my closet and cried.

But in the end, I learned a very valuable lesson: To annoy the ones you love, tell them about your dreams. They might tune you out and act like they’re ignoring you, but deep inside they think you’re adorable.