the Hippo Brigade

Kohl’s Ate my Mashed Potatoes

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January 25, 2011

I had to go to Kohl’s this morning.

There are a laundry list of stores that I always try to avoid based on a series of important factors:

If the store smells like mashed potatoes and a freshly waxed linoleum floor, or if their lighting makes my skin appear greenish,and super gross, or if I get accosted by in-your-face-sales tactics and a barrage of papery crap handed to me after I make a purchase, chances are I hate that store.

Kohl’s is all of these things, so I especially like to NEVER go there. But my family thinks otherwise. Apparently they enjoy having a greenish tint to their skin tone as they shop for discount bras and salad spinners, whatever, it’s not for me to judge.

Christmas was awesome, we got lots of good stuff, and most importantly we were reminded of Jesus’ love in our hearts, but least importantly we got some crap from Kohl’s. Crap from Kohl’s has no place in my home, so I returned it this morning.

My brain doesn’t know what to think when I walk in the store. Is it a department store? Is it a discount store? Why is everything in Spanish? Should I have brought coupons? Why is the elevator 17 degrees hotter and smell like cheese? Where the frick do I return this snowman sweater? Does anyone work here? Does Vera Wang know that Kohl’s sucks too, or does she just see pretty jewel-encrusted dollar signs? If I was a high-end wedding dress designer, would I sell out to Kohl’s too? How much money do you think she makes by slapping her name on this tunic? Should I buy this tunic? Oh look it’s on sale! Do they have my size? OH SHIT! I just got sucked in. See how easy that was? Damn you Kohl’s! I shake my fist at you. How dare you suck me in like that.

After I returned my snowman sweater, I got store credit for precisely 23 dollars and 46 cents. What the heck am I going to buy? The store is filled with endless possibilities. I can get a candle that isn’t a candle at all, but merely a light disguised as a candle that flickers just like a real flame. That has value in my home, right?

Or maybe I should buy a beef jerky maker. I love beef jerky. Bobby Flay thinks I should buy it. His face is plastered all over the thing. Nothing makes me think of beef jerky quite like Bobby Flay.

Apparently Kohl’s and Food Network are in a committed relationship.

AHA! I just came up with another reason I don’t enjoy the Kohl’s: celebrity endorsements.

Vera Wang, Lauren Conrad, Bobby Flay, Rachel Ray, they all want me to shop here, and I’m not comfortable with it. Are they watching me right now? Stop looking at me Rachel!!

Let’s just get one thing straight, Lauren Conrad would never wear this:

It looks like movie theatre carpet, and I think my grandma has this exact top but hers is in a size called 4Xs the Woman.

LC would never.

Finally, I decided on a purchase: a gravy fat seperator and an Eric Carle book.

I tried to find a check out counter, I was almost ready to leave when I noticed a grocery store-like check out at the front of the store: 7 rows of check out stands just like at my local Albertson’s.

Do they have cute 16 year-old baggers that help you to your car too?

After I bought my fat seperator and book I was given no less than 4 pieces of paper. 2 coupons, a survey, and my reciept.

Thanks Kohl’s, you’re basically awesome, and I don’t mean that at all.

Everytime I seperate my fat, I’ll think of you.