the Hippo Brigade

It smells like axe body spray and chimpanzee hair

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January 19, 2012

Pat and I have started the process of buying a car.

We don’t want just any car, we want a specific car. Color, price, seat configuration, and the ability to park itself, because parking is really hard these days, there’s all that turning left and then turning right, and who has the time for that? I have to check Facebook and put on lip gloss.

So we found a car we like, OH and did I mention it’s pre-owned? That’s the fancy hyphenated word they use these days to mean used. That’s right USED. It’s like sloppy seconds. But I’m okay with that, because someone’s sloppy seconds is another person’s treasure. Plus the depreciation of a new car is staggering, and I’d prefer to be unstaggered, thankyouverymuch. So we found the car we wanted online and here’s the conversation I had with Pat over iChat about it:

Pat: Are you okay with knowing that the car lived in Vegas for 8 months?

Me: What?!

Pat: So drugs and strippers

Me: We’ll just have to ask Marcus-the-car-dealer about that. But we might just be waisting his time because his email signature says that he’s the Maybach Relations Manager.

Pat: Well shoot.

Me: We should test drive a Maybach while we’re at it.

Pat: Sure and I can say to Marcus, “So what’s the main difference between this and the used car we were looking at again, I mean, apart from $300k?”

Me: I think it comes with it’s own butler.

Pat: It comes with a hip hop record contract

Pat: So back to the Vegas car, you’re not at all worried about cocaine residue on the dashboard?

Me: Well kind of, and what if there’s stripper juice embedded in the seats? That stains you know?

Pat: I don’t know, but I trust your experience in the area.

Me: I have no experience with stripper juice. I have dabbled in body glitter though. I just hope it doesn’t smell like axe body spray and chimpanzee hair. It’s a good deal, but I bet a lot of babies were conceived in that car.

Pat: It’s possible

Me: Are we prepared to play hardball? You know buying a car is all a game. It’s like dating. We have to play hard to get.

Pat: Oh crap, maybe you should take the lead, I was bad at dating.

Me: The main thing is you have to act uninterested and give them a few backhanded complements, like this, “Your water is refreshing, which is good because it takes away from the uninspiring logo you had glued to the bottle.” Or “I noticed your tie is crooked, but maybe that was the look you were going for because your teeth are crooked too. And matching is very important these days.”

Pat: We should make them get us champagne.

Me: And champagne for our kids too, they wouldn’t drink it, but we want them to feel fancy by holding it.

Pat: “Hey, my daughter really wants a cigarette. Who around here can get her a cigarette?!”

 

Me: Alright. I think we crossed a line. Too far?

Pat: Ya, we went too far.