HIPPO BRIGADE

In Praise of the Maternity Pants

May 21, 2009

Wearing maternity pants is like wearing a hug, wrapped in cotton candy, while eating a sandwich, and stabbing Heidi and Spencer in the neck with a pair of rusty tweezers just used to pluck a few rouge pubes. 

Because the moment I found out I was pregnant, I decided to eat only cheeseburgers, I’ve packed on a few pregnancy lbs, and thusly no longer fit into my regular jeans, which means I had to find my maternity clothes from the last pregnancy. And I discovered that all of it is truly ugly, except for one pair of cute Chip and Pepper jeans with a sassy spandex band at the top. 

And here’s what I want to know: why didn’t I wear maternity pants everyday of my God-given life regardless of if I am growing a tiny fetus in my uterus or not? 

Let me give you a scope of awesomeness that is maternity pants:

Stretchy waist equals good for all sorts of things like,

• Eating a large meal, at say Arby’s or the BK Lounge,  you don’t have to unbutton your top button anymore, the stretchy waist grows with you
• Impromptu sex (easy off, easy on)
• You don’t have to do lunges, squats, and mystifying dance moves to get the jeans on because the suckers always fit, no matter how fat you get, and let’s face it, you look like a total tool when you do all those weird squats
• When you get home from work or school or whatever the heck you do all day, instead of taking your pants off and walking around the house in your funky undies for all the neighbors to see, you can leave your pants on! Because, wait for it –they’re cozy, and comfy, plus, God likes you more when you keep your pants on 

Why do pregnant women get all the cozy stuff? Just because they’re growing a baby inside them makes them suddenly in need for cozy pants? Dude, I needed cozy pants, you need cozy pants, that chick over there looks like she could use some cozy pants.

And the great thing is, no one knows you’re cozy. Instead everyone thinks you’re just as uncomfortable as they are with your tight jeans poking you in the abdomen…and you get to smile to yourself, and think, HA! My pants have a secret. And they’re not telling.

Then the chick next to you says, “You look like your pants have a secret. My pants have a secret too…”

And you say,”Oh, noo. Did I accidentally say that my pants have a secret out loud? I’m not sexually attracted to you. I like men, thank you though. I might have considered it back in college, but now that I’m older and… you look like a very nice lady.”

And then she says again, “no, my pants…they too have a secret,” and she lifts up her shirt and shows you this:

AGGGHH!!

Just be careful when you wear your maternity pants. Things could get out of hand.