I’m so Embarrassed

Embarrassment has always seemed to find me. Like that time when a pack of 7th grader boys voyeuristically watched me use a tampon for the first time, or when I fell down a flight of stairs at college, and my skirt flipped over my head and everyone saw my laundry-day thong, or when I feverishly yelled out, “GRETCHEN!!” GRETCHEN, I miss you so much, where have you been!?” Only to find out that it wasn’t Gretchen, but an incredibly tiny man with long hair. 

Ahh, yes, embarrassment, we were once good friends, we found ourselves together often; at parties, in public speaking classes, and in whole-school assemblies, but now that I’ve grown up, embarrassment and I have grown apart.  

Either I’ve adapted because of the whole survival of the fittest thing, or I’ve matured, and farting in front of the lady giving me a pedicure is not embarrassing, but a natural part of life. But don’t fret, because I increased her tip by five dollars due to the proximity of my fart to her face.  But truth be told, I don’t embarrass much these days. Except for lately I’m worried that my daughter might hold the key to my embarrassment, and I have a very strong feeling that she’ll be really good at mortifying me. 

Here are a few excerpts of recent conversations I’ve had with Berlyn. Thankfully we were alone each time, but you never know when an unsuspecting ear will be lurking, waiting to hear all about Berlyn’s observations:

BERLYN: I’m two!

ME: That’s right Berlyn, you’re two!

BERLYN: Momma’s 37!

ME: No. Momma’s not 37. And now we’re heading to the mall to buy some La Mer

Really, Berlyn? I look 37? 

BERLYN: Noooo! You don’t look 37. 

ME: Thanks sweetie, I appreciate that, but I’m still getting the La Mer.

 

And while driving…

BERLYN: Momma’s Naked!

ME: No child, Momma’s not naked right now, she has pants, and a shirt on. But if I were naked I’d probably get a special visit from Mr. Police Officer who would take me to a place called jail, and then take you off to child protective services. And that would make mommy really, really sad. 

 

While I was in the bathroom…

BERLYN: Momma’s wiping her butt!

ME: Yup. 

Because that time it was true. 

Your turn. I’ve told you like 6 embarrising things about me, now tell me some embarrising things that have happened to you so I don’t feel so bad.

6 thoughts on “I’m so Embarrassed

  1. One time while standing in line to turn some papers in at the courhouse, my two year old started yelling… “stop hitting me! stop hitting me! stop hitting me!” at the top of his lungs… I’m the only one who knew he was talking to his imaginary friend Mergatroid. fml… everyone in the place glared…

  2. How about the time that my skirt ripped and my ass was exposed at work? That was embarrassing. Or the time that I told my bosses boss’s wife that it looked like she lost 100 pounds (by the way, I don’t think she ever weighed more than 130). And no, I did not have several tropical drinks before that came out of my mouth…oh wait. However, I do want to hear how 7th grade boys saw you use a tampon!!! Do tell!

  3. I don’t consider my days successful unless I experience at least one embarrassing moment. One of my favorites happened at the beginning of my relationship with my ex – I didn’t know we were at the beginning stages of dating and so I was totally caught off guard when he wanted to have the “what are we?” talk. I was in shock, so I coolly answered, “We’re…. people!” Sweeeet.

  4. Jax: Look mommy, that lady looks like daddy.

    Me: Hum, I wonder where your mommy is…..

  5. I get really nervous some times. When I was first starting out as a teacher I was nervous all the time. I was so nervous before the first day of school I was insane. I was sitting in a new teacher meeting and we were suppose to go around and say our name and our favorite TV Show or something simple. I remember my ears getting hot and my blood pumping so hard as the count down was getting closer. When it was my turn I was so stressed and looking like I was gonna cry, I mumbled something about needing to go and I ran out of the room. What grown up does that? I still am mortified that I was so neurotic. One teacher still teases me to this day.

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *

You may use these HTML tags and attributes: <a href="" title=""> <abbr title=""> <acronym title=""> <b> <blockquote cite=""> <cite> <code> <del datetime=""> <em> <i> <q cite=""> <strike> <strong>