Embarrassment has always seemed to find me. Like that time when a pack of 7th grader boys voyeuristically watched me use a tampon for the first time, or when I fell down a flight of stairs at college, and my skirt flipped over my head and everyone saw my laundry-day thong, or when I feverishly yelled out, “GRETCHEN!!” GRETCHEN, I miss you so much, where have you been!?” Only to find out that it wasn’t Gretchen, but an incredibly tiny man with long hair.
Ahh, yes, embarrassment, we were once good friends, we found ourselves together often; at parties, in public speaking classes, and in whole-school assemblies, but now that I’ve grown up, embarrassment and I have grown apart.
Either I’ve adapted because of the whole survival of the fittest thing, or I’ve matured, and farting in front of the lady giving me a pedicure is not embarrassing, but a natural part of life. But don’t fret, because I increased her tip by five dollars due to the proximity of my fart to her face. But truth be told, I don’t embarrass much these days. Except for lately I’m worried that my daughter might hold the key to my embarrassment, and I have a very strong feeling that she’ll be really good at mortifying me.
Here are a few excerpts of recent conversations I’ve had with Berlyn. Thankfully we were alone each time, but you never know when an unsuspecting ear will be lurking, waiting to hear all about Berlyn’s observations:
BERLYN: I’m two!
ME: That’s right Berlyn, you’re two!
BERLYN: Momma’s 37!
ME: No. Momma’s not 37. And now we’re heading to the mall to buy some La Mer.
Really, Berlyn? I look 37?
BERLYN: Noooo! You don’t look 37.
ME: Thanks sweetie, I appreciate that, but I’m still getting the La Mer.
And while driving…
BERLYN: Momma’s Naked!
ME: No child, Momma’s not naked right now, she has pants, and a shirt on. But if I were naked I’d probably get a special visit from Mr. Police Officer who would take me to a place called jail, and then take you off to child protective services. And that would make mommy really, really sad.
While I was in the bathroom…
BERLYN: Momma’s wiping her butt!
Because that time it was true.
Your turn. I’ve told you like 6 embarrising things about me, now tell me some embarrising things that have happened to you so I don’t feel so bad.