January 5, 2010
He shut the door behind him and left me.
With two kids.
No, he didn’t actually leave me.
That would really suck. And If he did actually leave me, I’d find him and cut his man balls off with a rusty pair of lawn sheers, because I’m crazy like that. CRAZY, I say.
He just left me for the afternoon, to work, or some lame excuse like that.
All I know is, he’d better come back with a crap load of chocolate, because I’m scared. And with enough chocolate in my mouth, I can forgive anyone.
So, what’s there to be scared of, Beckey? Your children are perfect angles and you’re such a poised and always in control mother.
While that’s only 92% true, there’s still some crazy shit going down right now: Berlyn is parading around the house exclaiming “BEER BONG!” which is super weird considering that I’m not in a fraternity, and I don’t really like when beer comes racing out of a funnel-tube towards my face. But maybe she does? Humm…perhaps she’s been spending too much time watching The Real World with my mom.
And she keeps pretending to shave her face.
And she’s torturing the dog. Which I don’t really mind, because sometimes someone needs to torture my dog. She’s an asshole.
Then there’s Hudson, who keeps sharting.
And he keeps spitting up, in his ear. UGH, so his ears smell like baby stomach acid.
I thought newborns were supposed to smell like Cabbage Patch Dolls.
Mine smells like a shart and barf.
I’m hoping my husband comes home soon. And I extra hope he’s carrying one of those chocolate fondue fountains they sell at COSTCO.