I’m not ready to be alone.

7 Comments

January 5, 2010

He left.

He shut the door behind him and left me.

Alone.

With two kids.

No, he didn’t actually leave me.

That would really suck. And If he did actually leave me, I’d find him and cut his man balls off with a rusty pair of lawn sheers, because I’m crazy like that. CRAZY, I say.

He just left me for the afternoon, to work, or some lame excuse like that.

All I know is, he’d better come back with a crap load of chocolate, because I’m scared. And with enough chocolate in my mouth, I can forgive anyone.

So, what’s there to be scared of, Beckey? Your children are perfect angles and you’re such a poised and always in control mother.

While that’s only 92% true, there’s still some crazy shit going down right now: Berlyn is parading around the house exclaiming “BEER BONG!” which is super weird considering that I’m not in a fraternity, and I don’t really like when beer comes racing out of a funnel-tube towards my face. But maybe she does? Humm…perhaps she’s been spending too much time watching The Real World with my mom.

And she keeps pretending to shave her face.

And she’s torturing the dog. Which I don’t really mind, because sometimes someone needs to torture my dog. She’s an asshole.

Then there’s Hudson, who keeps sharting.

And he keeps spitting up, in his ear. UGH, so his ears smell like baby stomach acid.

I thought newborns were supposed to smell like Cabbage Patch Dolls.

Mine smells like a shart and barf.

I’m hoping my husband comes home soon. And I extra hope he’s carrying one of those chocolate fondue fountains they sell at COSTCO.

7 Comments:

Despite the numerous times you say “shart” in this post, I have to say that my favorite part is how you put COSTCO in all caps. As if to shame all of those other stores who do not carry chocolate fondue fountains, gosh.

by amanda on January 5, 2010

Becky…that was awesome!

by Julie Snell on January 5, 2010

there is nothing cute about the way any baby smells, first of all.

second of all, there is nothing worse than hearing that door click for the first time

by Lora on January 6, 2010

How many seconds did you wait before you threw Hudson at your husband when he walked in the door?

Also, isn’t Berlyn old enough to get a job now? Some kind of BEER BONG job? That could take the pressure off.

by dgm on January 6, 2010

hhhaaa… I thought they were supposed to smell like cabbage patch dolls too! More like Garbage Pail kids sometimes! :)

by Tenille B on January 6, 2010

I feel your pain. My hubby is overseas at the moment and I’m left home alone with two little ones. Today is my wedding anniversary and I would really love some ME time.

My daugther is constantly pretending to do things her dad does too..like shaving {she’s been caught about three times} and cutting her hair..OH my!! That was a scary hair cut.

GOOD LUCK!

by Danielle on January 6, 2010

i feel this way with a 5yr and 6yr old.

by gorillabuns on January 7, 2010

Leave a comment