April 21, 2011
It was a beautiful day, and I had about 2 hours before Hudson’s well-baby doctor’s appointment, so I decided to take the kids and dog to the park.
Because they were climbing up my legs, and pointing at the door, and asking–nay, shouting, “MOM!! I WANT TO SLIDE DOWN THE SLIDE!!” Well, Berlyn did most of the shouting, and Hudson was the one pointing at the door, because that’s all he really does. Points and nods. He’s gotten really good at pointing and nodding. And I’d like to take all the credit, because I’m like the best at pointing and nodding. I’m practically an expert. I should write a book about it.
So, I loaded up my double jogging stroller with toys, kids, and a tote full of candy to sneak when my children weren’t looking.
Berlyn decided she was going to push her own stroller.
We went, and we had a nice time.
I shared an uncomfortable laugh with another mom as we watched her son shove sand toys up his nose.
Hudson grabbed fistfuls of grass to feed to Zoey and Berlyn was demonstrating the proper way to slide down a slide for her Hello Kitty doll. Then it was time to leave. I had about 25 minutes to get home, get the kids in the car, and get to the doctor’s appointment. It was plenty of time, because It was only a 8 minute walk home and a 4 minute drive to the doctor’s. I had 13 extra minutes!! I had it all perfectly calculated.
Or so I thought.
We got home, I strapped Hudson in his car seat, and just as Berlyn was getting in the car, I realized that I lost one of Hudson’s shoes. I had one, but the other one was missing!!
They are the cutest shoes, and they are borderline expensive for baby shoes. I don’t go around dropping a bunch of money on baby shoes, but you have to sometimes. The shoe options for boys is total crap. Because I’d have to be out of my mind to put my baby’s foot in a pair of these:
I think, once you strap this atrocity onto your kid’s foot, you’ve basically given up.
In efforts to keep myself from being relegated to a lifetime of discount shoes, I remember thinking, I HAVE to find the other shoe!
First I poked my head out into the drive way and looked up the street, but I didn’t see it. Then I thought, CRAP! I’m going to have to run back and try to find it. Which means, Alright kids, back in the stroller!!
I jogged all the way up to the park, and all the way back, which is just under a mile, in flip flops (hello shin splints), but no shoe. Now I had about 3 minutes to get the kids back in the car, and to the doctor’s. I figured I’d be about 3 minutes late, and that’s not too bad considering I just jogged my monthly quota only seconds earlier. I was out of breath, slightly smelly, and exasperated when Berlyn called out, “I HAVTA GO POOP!”
I want to militantly scream at her and let her know that there’s no time for pooping!
“Okay Berlyn,” I said as I was trying to keep my head from exploding.
And just as I opened the door into the garage to let her inside the house, I saw Hudson’s other shoe.
It was in the house the whole time.
I called the office and let them know I was running behind, but they had to go to lunch and therefore close the office, so I had to reschedule my appointment. I hung up the phone and cried.
Seems like a disproportionate response.
So I go to the doctor’s later. No big deal.
But for some reason it is a big deal.
Because a series of unfortunate events like this one, rattles me so deeply that my breath catches in my throat and my mind gets all dizzy.
I yell at inanimate objects and work myself into a frenzy.
It’s in these moments that I feel like things are spiraling, and I’m just trying to stay calm and get through it because I don’t want my kids to witness me having a panic attack, but inside I’m completely out of control.
I have these episodes at least 4 times a week.
It’s hard to admit this because I see it as a sign of weakness and a sign of my inability to mother properly.
I want to be seen as a mom that has it all together, a mom with good and happy children, a mom who is carefree and easy going, a mom that never yells or gets worked up.
I mean, what’s so hard about going to the park and then to the doctor’s office?
People would kill to have my job, it’s practically dreamy.
But the truth is, I’m always one unplanned flummox away from turning into a crazy person.
My mom says I need to let go of some things.
Like I’m supposed to say, “So what, the shoe is gone, move on. Who cares.”
But that’s easier said than done. I can’t just not let something bother me. If I had that type of self control, I’d be the most emotionally stable person in the entire world. And where is the fun in that, I ask you??
Being calm and rational in the midst of a stressful situation?
It does sound pretty fantastic, but it’s just not my style.
But because I feel like these attacks are taking me under, I’ll be working on it. I have realized that being out of control is devastating, and makes it so much harder to function and harder to interact with my children to meet their needs.
So, today you can find me meditating on this verse:
“Urge the younger women to love their husbands and children, and to be self-controlled and pure… ” Titus 2:4
Because I’m basically the opposite of self-controlled and pure at the moment.