I’m a thief.


April 3, 2010

I steal stuff.

And by stuff I mean a lemon.

I’m so close to getting a vintage roadster as my get-a-way car, and a Nixon mask to hide my identity.

Stealing lemons is serious business.

They’re like 68 cents at the grocery store.

I’m super jumpy because of my new found thievery. I saw a cop driving down my street and I dove into a hedge of rosemary.

I’m allergic to rosemary.

Like I said, serious business.

That’s how I roll.

But honestly, here’s how it went down:

I live in a magical land where there are groves of fruit trees.

On jogs *snort* I mean, walks, I’ll stop and grab a ripe lemon or orange.

This is totally acceptable.

Or it damn well should be, I pay 200 bucks in association costs. I’ll take whatever I want!

I’ll chop the whole tree down and drag it home if the mood strikes. And you better get outta my way.

This is not stealing.

But lately I’ve been using a lot of lemons in my cooking, and I’ll just send Pat out (because he’s super tall and grabby) and have him fetch me a ripe lemon or two for my salmon, or pink lemonade cocktail, or to throw at mountain lions, whateves.

So here’s the grey area:

There hasn’t been any ripe fruit on the trees, so I pointed out an adorable little tree in front of someone’s house.

We walked past the house and I was all, “Look, it’s outside of thier fence. Totally fair game. Take the fruit!!  TAKE IT!! I’ll stand watch.”

So we took a beautifully ripe, and succulent lemon.

A few days later, I noticed the owner of the house was fertilizing the plants and the lemon tree outside of her house.

I struck up a little convo about the weather.

I segwaued into salmon.

Then causally mentioned lemons…

Beautifully succulent lemons, hanging from her tree.

Turns out, they’re her lemons.

Turns out she doesn’t appreciate people stealing them.

Turns out I owe her 68 cents.

But I’m an outlaw now.

I scoff in the face of 68 cents.

Watch out.

I might steal your shit next.


Bring it. I’ll sic my dog on your ass then squeeze the lemon juice on the open wound.

by North County Mike on April 3, 2010

I accidentally stole a scarf because my daughter grabbed it as we were leaving a store. I felt like an outlaw for a minute and a half, until I gave it back.

by Mommy Melissa on April 4, 2010

Hey! I spelled segwayed wrong. WTF spell check? You’re supposed to be on my side. Now everyone knows I’m a horrible speller.

by Beckey on April 4, 2010

FWIW, our neighbors lemons hang into our backyard and I ask my tall hubby to “borrow” some all the time. Want me to ask him to do your dirty work, or do you actualy take pleasure in the process of thieving?

by dgm on April 5, 2010

We have a lawn full of dandelions here. You are welcome to steal as many as you wish to garnish all your gourmet dishes.

by MomZombie on April 6, 2010

I have lots of shit in my yard you can steal if you are so inclined. Kids, dogs, tricycles, dump trucks, dirty dog blankets…you want it? Take it-and I won’t even bitch about the 68 cents.

by Kori on April 8, 2010

I am so jealous that you live someplace that has lemons growing on trees. I can’t even comment on the thievery, I am so jealous. Sadly, I am Canadian, so pretty much the only thing I could steal from local trees would be maple leaves. Not as good, especially since they all just fall off in the autumn anyway.

by Amber on April 8, 2010

Girl. David and I have a lemon tree and we have more lemons than we know what to do with! I know we are not as close as the lady you can steal from, but you can steal from us anytime with no guilt! 🙂

by Wendy Wilson on April 12, 2010

…and now I want pie.

by Suz Broughton on April 12, 2010

Best line: Tall and grabby. Your writing makes me happy.

by melinda on April 17, 2010

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