HIPPO BRIGADE

I Would Make a Really Crappy Celebrity

February 8, 2010

Remember when I was all, OMG I am completely incapable of having a conversation with people because my brain is covered in mayonnaise that a donkey just ate and than shat a donkey stool on the fourth of July when your gay cousin lit your baby on fire because he mistook her for a sparkler, and then we all took a giant nap because…WHAAA?

Yeah, all those words up there? Code for, I’m a total idiot and no one should listen to the ramblings of my mouth.

But someone did listen. An actual person listened to me. And they got paid for it. Or I’m assuming that they got paid, because they sounded very professional. Maybe she got paid in Gloria Vanderbelt merchandise. Perhaps a pair of paisley knickers and a oven glove?  I think that’s a fair wage for listening to me.

So, anyways a few weeks ago someone called me up and did a phone interview with me for the OC Family Magazine.

I didn’t have a stenographer handy, but this is pretty much how it went down:

Her: How long have you been writing your blog?

Me: I don’t know.

Her: **awkward pause**

Me: Well, I guess you can check the archives if you really want to know. Or you can write, longer than a year, shorter than 17.

Her: What made you start your blog?

Me: The fact that I think I frickin hilarious. And I needed an outlet to introduce the world to my dog, Zoey.

Say ‘hi’, Zoey. Come here Zoey. ZOEY! COME HERE. Say ‘hi.’

ZOEY: ((Labored breathing))

Me: That was Zoey, she says hi. She’s very shy on the phone.

Her: Okay…What do you think makes your blog stand out among the crowd?

Me: Humm. I have a hippo on my blog. That’s something cool. Wait. Not that I think I’m fat or anything. Ahh man! Do you think people could misconstrue my hippo illustration for a poor view of my body image? I’m actually quite slender, well that is, when I’m not stuffing my face with onion rings from Ruby’s, while I try to lose this flabby baby weight. It’s really hard to lose baby weight when all I want is a greasy hamburger and some chocolate covered bacon. You know? Do you have any kids? You must know what it’s like. (Opening the fridge) Oh shit! I’m all out of cheese!

From there it sorta spiraled down hill.

There were a lot more awkward silences, and a handful of moments where I tried to make a joke, but it came off as me sounding creepy. Oh, and there were lots of times when I changed subjects because I couldn’t remember what her original question was, and then there were times when I TALKED REALLY LOUD to hide my flatulence.

All in all, I think it went really well for my very first phone interview. But if I ever do one of these again, they should buy me like 3 apple-tinis and make sure I’m not wearing any pants.

I say the funniest things when I’m pantsless and drunk.