the Hippo Brigade

I suck at writing Thank You cards.

4 Comments

November 8, 2011

When Pat and I got married we registered for everything Williams-Sonoma had to offer. 19 shot glasses, and 78 ramekins rounded out our very thorough list of things a newlywed couple needed: Soup tureen? Check. Traditional French cookbook? Check. Silver plated candlesticks? Check.

Apparently we thought we were Ina and Jeffrey Garten, living in the Hamptons and throwing elaborate dinner parties on white sandy beaches. Unfortunately I do not have an assortment of sexually questionable men with armfuls of flowers who want to do a table-scape with me in return for my famous mushroom risotto.

Gawh.

What I should have got instead was an year’s supply of antibiotics for UTI’s and Easy Mac. But what the hell did I know?

As tore off the wedding bell wrapping paper at my bridal shower, one of my bridesmaids took copious notes:

•  6 white dinner plates and 3 cloth napkins with hemstitch trim from the Jennings
• 4 leaded white wine flutes from Marcia McDerby
• Silk table runner with blue Swarovski crystals from Great-Grandma Peg

I remember marveling at all my grown-up presents. I’d press my cheek into the silk table runner, and caress it, and I’d drink cranberry juice from the fancy wine glasses, and blot my face with the cloth napkins. But then it was time to write the thank you notes. I sat down at the table with my book of notes that my bridesmaid took, and my monogrammed stationary, and then I’d tap my pen thinking of the perfect thing to say:

Dearest Madam and Sir Jennings,

Thank you cordially for the 6 white dinner plates and 3 cloth napkins with hemstitch trim. They have served me well at dinner time. Your generosity is much appreciated.

Yours truly,

Beckey

Mrs. Patrick

Rebecca

Okay, not bad for my first attempt, I thought. Just mail it off, I have 50 more of these, but next time I should probably be less specific and less stuffy, and maybe I should tell an antidote or something to lighten it up.

Marcia,

Thanks for the wine glasses, I will be getting drunk and making poor choices very soon thanks to you.

 Yee haa!

Beckey

 

Humm…Who is Marcia McDerby anyways? Is she my mom’s friend? My great aunt? Crap. Well if she didn’t want me getting drunk she shouldn’t have bought me wine glasses, her fault, not mine. At least I’m honest. I like honesty, maybe I’ll try that with Grandma’s thank you card.

Dear G. Grandma,

Your table runner gift is stunning. Only problem is I’ll probably never use it. Stick with the registry, Grams. Can I have the gift receipt so I can return it?

Thanks,

B

Here’s the thing, I really shouldn’t be writing thank you cards. I kinda suck at it. My handwriting’s all squirly and there’s the added pressure of filling up all the space on the card. I’m pretty good at email and I think it would be best if I just sent out a mass text.

To: Everyone who sent me a gift

Message: Thanks. I love it.

I really can’t mess anything up that way, and I think I seem genuinely grateful, don’t you? Alright it’s settled, next time you get me a gift, be prepared for an amazingly concise and eco-friendly text message in return.