HIPPO BRIGADE

I Have a Sea Creature Growing Inside Me

October 12, 2009

My Bradley Instructor told us it was important to figure out where our baby is inside our bodies.

Whooa, Beckey, back the frick up, what the hell is a Bradley instructor?

Um, it’s a lady who teaches us how to birth a baby naturally using the Bradley method. We learn about coping with pain and we learn fancy and advanced kegel exercises. Jealous?

Anyways, she said it would be a good idea if we knew where our baby’s head was and then we could figure out what body part was poking us in the rib. I grabbed my pen and drew a quick depiction of what my baby feels like inside of me:

Then, I raised my hand and said, “but what if my baby looks like this, and doesn’t have a head, but instead has 7 tentacles and a pair of claspers like a hammer head shark? And I’m pretty sure this kid has a tail like one of those giant iguanas that weird guys with long hair have in an aquarium next to their Van Halen poster and bass guitar. And wings, but not sissy wings like a pretty butterfly, but big meaty-dinosaur wings like a frickin pterodactyl? What should I expect during delivery? Those claspers are going to hurt coming out. And what if the claspers grab something on the way down? Like a couple feet of intestines? Or one of my ovaries? I’m scared.”

Then my instructor said, “I’m pretty sure your baby looks like a normal human baby. You have nothing to worry about.”

I said, “Pretty sure? You’re only pretty sure? That’s not enough reassurance, what about that tail? What if the tail whaps me unconscious after he’s born?”

Then she said, “why don’t you tell me what you thought Berlyn felt like when you were pregnant with her?”

“Berlyn felt like a llama with 8 hooves, and a really big nose, and I was almost positive she had an adult hand with press on nails coming out of her stomach.”

Then my instructor said, “You’ll be fine Beckey. Besides, claspers don’t usually grab anything coming out.”