Hippo Brigade

It’s not a lie. I wish I was lying, but nope…100% true. It’s not babies so much as it is the over 5 set. Especially the really whiney ones, and the know-it-alls. Ohh, speaking of know-it-alls, the other day, for Father’s Day we went to a roller hockey rink to play hockey with my dad, brother, this chick, and some other friends (Note: I did NOT play hockey and neither did Berlyn).

This little girl found her way to our rink and decided to play with us. Without asking, just started to play. And she wasn’t even nice. I’d be all sorts of down with some kid that wanted to play who was nice, but no. Not nice. Actually, she was kind of an asshole.

Here’s the conversation we had on the bench, as she was putting her skates on:

Her: Oh, your baby is cute. And she has a Juicy sweatshirt on. I have a Juicy sweatshirt too, except mine’s at home

Me: cool.

Her: Yeah. Oh! and MY dad plays hockey too. He’s better than your dad. I bet if they played together your dad would fall a lot, and my dad would win.

Me: That’s probably true, although it doesn’t change the fact that your dad can suck it.

Her: What?

Me: Oh, nothing. (To Berlyn) Look! An airplane! It’s a really old airplane. How cool is that Berlyn?

(I think there was an air show near by, we were in the Inland Empire, and they love their air shows out there, almost as much as they love NASCAR and Coors Light.)

Her: Oh, that’s cool. I know someone who has an airplane like that

Me: Really? You actually know someone that has an airplane like that?

Her: Yeah. Oh, your daughter’s eating rasins. Those are good, I have like 56 of those boxes at home.

Me: Neat.

True story. That was the exact conversation we had. See? Asshole right? And what am I supposed to say to a kid like that? I got nothing. I just have to nod, and feel really sorry for the people that will encounter her for the rest of her life. Because we all know that she’ll grow up and be just like this:

So when I say I don’t like kids, I’m referring to the assholes. Not your kids, I love each and everyone of your kids. Except the shitty ones.

14 Comments

North County Mike
6/24/09
3:15 pm

And to project a little . . . it’s the same asshole kids that grow up to be those asshole neighbors, co-workers, supervisors and even US Congressmen and women. Oh, the humanity!

amanda
6/24/09
3:19 pm

Ugh, that girl WAS an asshole. She appeared out of nowhere, started making fun of Jason, and then started bossing me around! It’s totally cool that she was giving Jason a hard time, but telling me what to do? That turkey ain’t gonna fly!

Sara
6/24/09
4:01 pm

Once again, laughing out loud as I read!

Kgroovy
6/24/09
4:20 pm

I’ve never seen that sketch before. HILARIOUS!! serious one-upper! haha

ashley
6/24/09
4:32 pm

Okay. I am offended. My kid is exactly like that. He (not she) is an asshole.

Just kidding. I’m not offended, but my kid is exactly like that if not worse. I mostly just ignore him and tell him to quit with the exaggerating already. And then I mutter asshole under my breath.

Elisha
6/24/09
5:25 pm

HAHA
that kid totally reminded me of penelope right away!!
and you’re right about the I.E.
there are airshows for anything …
and nascar/coors light i can’t explain.
i wouldn’t like a kid like that either!!

dgm
6/25/09
4:19 am

As a former asshole myself, I find it helps to call kids out on their behavior. Sometimes they don’t realize they’re doing it. So next time just shout, “Hey, quit being an asshole!” That should take care of the problem.

Bridget
6/25/09
5:37 am

Ew. Not only are kids above the age of five assholes, but they’re usually gross too. Just, ew.

Lora
6/25/09
5:43 am

i hate kids.
not mine, and certainly not yours, but the rest of them can go to hell.

Jeanne
6/26/09
2:41 pm

I like kids up till about the age of 14. Then, not again till 25. I realize adolescence is a difficult time, but I already did mine (twice if you count my daughter’s) and I’m not interested in signing up again!

Marinka
6/26/09
7:49 pm

Other people’s kids are super annoying. Like their fucking parents.

gorillabuns
6/27/09
6:22 pm

i’ve been known to tell a strange kid to “shut it.” well, weekly.

marcyg
7/7/09
10:53 pm

i like smart non assholey kids.
like the kid who came to find his mom at the sauna in our hotel and then invited me to the vip lounge on the 15th floor for cocktails and appetizers. he was six. i think he wouldv’e invited me to spend the night if his mother didn’t hush him.