Hippo Brigade

I can’t stand when people cough loud

July 1, 2009

9

comments

It’s disgusting. It’s like they’re saying, “Hey you over there. yeah you, the uptight one, want to hear something cool? This is what my boogers and throat-goo sounds like when I try to scrape them out of my esophagus with the sheer force of my breath! GRRRHHRUGHTUTUCHH!!”

Only it’s not cool. It makes my innards quiver. It’s like when you stick a butter knife in between the prongs of a fork and slide it back and forth a few times.

It’s those damn smokers that are the worst. They’re all yellow, and leathery, and half falling apart. And if the annoyance of their smoke AND the cigarette butts they leave everywhere wasn’t enough of a disturbance, they cough in front of you while you’re in line at the gynecologist. Not quietly either, It’s all GUYGKFFFIEGIEH%#((@)#GFFFKKHYTTYHHIHGCHCH!!

Then there’s a pause and you think you can go back to watching Emeril (yeah, they play episodes of Emeril at my gyno, because nothing says vagina like braised pork loin with a side of garlic mashed potatoes, am I right, ladies?), and then the bitch starts at it again, but this time she adds a meek and raspy, “sorry” at the end. And the hairs on the back of your neck are standing up and you’re clutching your purse so tight that you’re tearing small holes in the leather with your fingernails, and she says sorry?

And then you stab her. Because seriously, someone needed to put her out of her misery. And then everyone in the gyno office gives you a standing ovation, and Emeril comes out and gives you a lasagna with words written in mozzarella that say, “thanks for stabbing the coughing lady.”

And you’re all, “oh, that? That was nothing.” And you shake his hand, and the nursing staff hoists you on their shoulders, and they all sing ‘We wish you a merry Christmas’, because everyone really likes that song, even in July.

9 Comments

allie
7/1/09
3:02 pm

ugh! nothing is worse than when you have a snot-sucker in your office and while you can’t see her – you can definitely hear her and ALL the snot being forcefully sucked from the back of her throat only probably to be swallowed again and then she starts choking on it. that’s precisely the moment that i grab my iPhone and put in my headphones and turn up rage against the machine or something obnoxiously loud so i don’t have to hear the snot-sucker! and the best part is when she says “sorry… allergies!” i’m sorry, but don’t they have claritin or something to fix that?! GROSS!!!

i wish my gyno had emeril!

Miss Yvonne
7/1/09
4:52 pm

There’s a lady in my office that has a coughing fit 2 or 3 times a day. EVERY DAMN DAY. She’ll cough so hard she almost vomits and then she says “Ugh this cough!”. I want to scream at her “Go to the damn doctor already!”

Gross

sarah
7/1/09
7:03 pm

Welcome back.

dgm
7/2/09
4:41 am

I had weird, vivid dreams like that when I was pregnant, too.

Lora
7/2/09
4:59 am

the sound of coughing scrambles my aura.
and rachel ray plays at my obgyn

Hayli
7/3/09
1:59 pm

I’m a smoker.
and my coughs sound more like…
ECHHTPPPPPPPFTTTTTTT.KAAAAAAAAAAAAACK.
And not only do I do it at my vagina doctor’s office,
but I do it at the DMV too.
(all over the pens they make you use to fill out paperwork)
Hah.

Bellacantare
7/6/09
12:52 pm

I feel like there’s at least a reason for when people have coughing attacks like this, what I DON’T understand and find equally, if not more so, disgusting, is the guy down the hall that hocks up a lugie at least a few times a day in my presence (who knows how many more times it’s done outside of my presence). He doesn’t spit (is that an upside??), he just keeps bringing it back up over and over. It’s like a nervous tick, like the type of person that needs to clear their throat before they speak, he hocks up a lugie. I can’t possibly replicate the noise in words, just take my word for it that it’s DISGUSTING AS HELL AND IT MAKES ME WANT TO BARF.

Aren’t you glad you brought up this topic now?