I Bought Something Yesterday.

8 Comments

September 3, 2009

I was at Target and I bought…

fake boobs.

I didn’t know Target sold fake boobs, but there they were right next to the cotton briefs and tube socks. And somehow they ended up in my cart, right next to the bottle of Kaboom! and Oreos.

Fake boobs.

In my cart.

I was thrilled. I couldn’t wait to get home and stick them on. I mean, hello? who couldn’t use a pair of fake boobs. Even thought I am well endowed thanks to pregnancy, I could always use a bit of umph, I mean, I’m not stupid, and I’d never turn down a bit of umph. Nope. Never.

They look like boneless, skinless chicken breasts, which is probably why the peoples call them ‘cutlets’. And they stick. Like a big fake boobie sticker.

And I stuck those boneless, skinless bad boys to my chest, and then proceeded to squeeze them, because, COME ON!

Berlyn was intrigued.

My husband was confused.

And I kept dancing around the house squeezing my fake boobies. And you’re welcome for the mental image.

Here’s the drawback:

After an entire day of wearing my cutlets, immature boob fondling on my behalf, and flashing my friend Jenielle, whom I’m positive was appreciative, I finally peeled off my fake Target boobies, and then was bowled over with the smell. Like OMG I smell like a tree-living hippie who swears off deodorant or showering because it would interfere with their natural odor. Side note: natural odor, my friends? Smells. Bad. Even on me, a tiny, adorable non-sweaty girly girl.

I was stinky.

So word to the wise, if you’re going to buy fake boobies at Target make sure you’re not going to have the sexy-time right after you peel those stinkers off. Dip your boobies in a basin of soapy water and then proceed. Please.

Your man will thank me.

8 Comments:

see, this is the valuable information one doesn’t get from other blogs…

(i’ve been very non-bloggy, so belated congratulations on the baby-to-be!)

by kristin on September 3, 2009

good to know.

but not to rub it in your face (er breasts) but my cup overfloweth far too much so i’m thinking me and the cutlets will never have a reason to meet. which is good cause I stink enough as it is.

by ashley on September 3, 2009

hahhah … LOVE the mental image.

by kristy - wheres my damn answer on September 3, 2009

I hope you’re not offended that I find the mental image of Pat’s reaction more amusing than you touching your fake boobs.

by amanda on September 3, 2009

Good to know, good to know.
I still amazed you found fake boobs at Target. I told my husband they have everything there and now this is proof.

by Cara on September 4, 2009

I don’t know what to say other than this, my adoration of you grows with each post 🙂

by Suz Broughton on September 5, 2009

Why the hell do you need fake boobs? I thought that was why you got yourself knocked up again.

by dgm on September 6, 2009

[…] extra business down my bra. And I was moments away from my doctor feeling me up and discovering my Target boobies. I took a deep breath in and averted my […]

by Magazines and Boobs | Hippo Brigade on December 2, 2011

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