How much alcohol is too much…for your baby?

I’m not a party girl.

I don’t like to get drunk.

I don’t like that sick feeling the next morning. Plus there’s always the inevitable drunk poo, and possible vomiting, and honestly, that’s just too many runny bodily fluids for me.

I do, however enjoy the occasional drink.

But because, I’m nursing Hudson, I have to be mindful of how much I drink.

I don’t want a drunk baby on my hands.

Could you imagine?

Wait–on second thought, let’s not imagine.

So I bought these alcohol strip thingies to test my milk before I give it to the Huds.

He appreciates that.

The other night I went out with a few friends, and had two glasses of wine. They were spread out over 3.5 hours, and I even drove home, but by the time I got home I tested my milk, and wouldn’t you know?

It said I was piss drunk.

I tried to reason with the strip.

“Listen here,” I commanded. “I’m not drunk. I had 2 glasses of wine and a heap of pasta. I’m totally sober. If I were drunk could I do this?”

I started to pat my head and rub my belly simultaneously.

“Or what about this?”

I touched my nose with my index finger while closing my eyes and tilting my head back.

“Hell–ooo? Check this out.”

I moon walked across the kitchen floor. I even threw in a lewd crotch grab, to really drive the point home.

Just then my husband walked in, “Who are you talking to? And what the hell are you doing? You’re totally sauced right now, aren’t’ you?I knew I shouldn’t have let you drive home!”

“No, no. Pat, don’t be silly. I’m talking to the milk strip, see?  I’m showing it that I’m sober. It thinks I should dump this milk.”

“Ludacris. Hey let me see that thing.”

Pat grabbed the strip from me.

“Oh Beckey, this thing darker than the chart! You’re totally drunk right now. You should proably lay down. Here, take some Advil. I’m going to dump this milk. It’s tainted with your irresponsibility.”

“Nooo!!! Don’t dump it. That’s liquid gold. Maybe we can make cheese out of it. Or if we dump it into the garden I bet a beautiful tree will grow. Or maybe you can drink it!”

“Seriously Beckey? A tree? You are totally drunk.”

“Fine. Whatever. I’m going to bed.”

7 thoughts on “How much alcohol is too much…for your baby?

  1. you were still drunk when you wrote this post, weren’t you? god, Beckey. can’t you lay off the liquor for one minute?

    xoxo

  2. You know…if you drank Moscato you could have had 4 glasses of wine!! It is low alcohol and the whole bottle is only worth 3 standard drinks. And it still tastes like full strength wine. I change the lables on bottles of Moscato for full strength wine, then drink like 4 bottles of wine which is only the equivilant of 2 bottles and I am only 3/4 smashed while everyone else is completely legless and I have the rep of being a kick arse drinker. I can do that shit cos I am barmaid and I can swap my lables over while I am working and then look the part when I wander in and get my wine with my friends in the bottleshop that is part of my pub I work at. I may have had a few wines tonight. Like, proper wine. Not that pissy Moscato.

  3. I think those strips lie. I have done various tests. All lies. Although maybe I was drunk when I came to this realization? Bah. I am gonna try one after breakfast and compare. You know, take a sample before the mimosa. ;)

  4. Hi Becky…I am Eby’s Husband, Keith. I was reading my wife’s blog and then decided to check out some of the blogs she had linked on her page. Lo and behold I found yours. All I can say is, I can’t stop laughing.

  5. Very funny post! I can tell that I’m going to enjoy your sense of humor. It is such a shame that you didn’t go ahead and make cheese out of your irresponsible breast milk.

    I’m glad you finally read The Jason Show, even though you equate me to brussel sprouts! (Which I also like, my the way. At least you didn’t equate me to something like fruitcake or something.)

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