For my first birthday I got a Tiffany rattle and a pair of hot pink Tweezermans.

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April 28, 2011

I always had a unibrow. My junior high year book photo was an terrifying snapshot of horror. I had a nasty unibrow and the makings of a faint mustache. All my junior high school friends that were boys were envious.

I can’t find a photo.

DARN.

But here’s a photo of Madonna’s daughter Lourdes.

I pretty much looked like this:

When I was about 12 I remember going to Target with my mom. Going to Target with my mom was always an exciting time filled with much elation, because my mom shopped at Target like it was her job. As soon as we’d walk in the door, she shove her cart directly over to the snack corner, and buy a popcorn and Pepsi. Because you need your energy to shop all 42 isles of Target, she’d say. I’d get a blue icee and we’d both snack on popcorn and cheers our sugary drinks together. I’d awkwardly hint at needing a box of Always with dry-weave overnight maximum absorbency for heavy flow pads while she would be comparing prices on generic shampoo.

I remember I had just started shaving my legs, and we went down the razor isle. I saw a pink bottle of Nair that promised to remove hair without pain or using a razor. I immediately thought that I would use it on my face to get rid of my mustache and unibrow. I begged my mom to buy it, and she did, under one condition: that I would only use it on my legs.

I agreed.

Later that day, I ran up to my bathroom and slapped that stuff all over my face. I dotted it above my lip, around my eyebrows, inside my nose. I even noticed a rouge chin hair, so I slapped it over there too. No stone unturned.

I waited the allotted time.

Tick tock.

I reorganized the bathroom cabinets.

Because idle hands are the devil’s playground.

Plus this was before the advent of iPhones and I forgot to bring my copy of Seventeen Magazine into the bathroom. There was no way that I would be stepping foot outside of the bathroom until all my Nair was cleaned off. I couldn’t let my mom know that I was Naring my face.

Time was up, I washed my face.

The cool water felt nice…because my face WAS ON FIRE!

Oh it burned so bad. I figured it was just part of the process, a little burning is a small price to pay for velvety smooth, hair-free skin.

Apparently the burning did not come standard. That special sensation was reserved just for me (it probably had something to do with the fact that I used it on my face, but it was formulated for legs). I dried off my face and looked in the mirror and saw that I was red, blotchy and blistering!! EVERYWHERE.

My mustache area was a red mess.

Around my eyebrows there were blisters, and it looked like I had a red sole patch on my chin.

My mom knocked on the door and asked why I was in there so long.

“Ugh…I’m pooping!” I lied.

“Okay, well you need to come down for dinner.”

CRAP.

I grabbed a bottle of Maybelline foundation and doused my face in it, I tried to rub it in, but no matter how hard I tried, the blisters and redness would not budge.

I patted my face down with powder.

I looked like an idiot. I had a cakey face full of make up and pink blisters everywhere. Oh, and did I mention the puss that started to erupt?

Yea, there was puss too. Oozing from my face.

I went downstairs.

My mom saw me, and exclaimed, “WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED TO YOU?!”

I shrugged my shoulders and bit my lip.

Ouch.

I’m pretty sure my mom realized that I used the Nair on my face. She’s one smart cookie. But she never asked me anymore questions about it.

And that was fine. Because I punished myself enough.

After that incident, I went on to wax, bleach, shave, and pluck my facial hair.

But because I have incredibly sensitive skin, and prone to red blotches and blisters, I’ve realized that I can only pluck. Which means, everyday I’m in the mirror plucking my face (yay).

But I’m over it. I don’t want to do it anymore.

So I’m putting down my tweezers and I’m going to bring the uni back.

Well me and this guy from Top Chef Masters:

 

 

 

 

8 Comments:

I DO NOT understand how Madonna can let Lourdes not do anything about everything that’s happening on her face. I mean, it’s one thing to be proud of your Spanish heritage…..but it’s another thing all together to turn your (hairy) cheek to that madness. (Also, I saw a brief clip of that guy on Top Chef the other day and thought, “Unless that guy’s from Amsterdam, there’s simply no excuse.”)

by Michelle Doerr on April 28, 2011

OH MY GOSH! My friend’s mom let me do the same exact thing when I was in junior high (but only to my unibrow). My mom was LIVID. I had to go to junior high winter camp with what looked like a blob of peanut butter between my eyebrows. And you’re right: it burns like a mo-fo.

by Lindsay on April 28, 2011

Several years ago there was a “new” Nair like product on the market that you could only buy on infomercials. Epilstopandspray…why didn’t I know from the name? You were supposed to especially be able to use this on bikini areas, face, etc. because it was so extra sensitive.

I had third degree burns on my arm, where I “tested” it. The only blessing is that I didn’t put this anywhere near where it was supposed to go. My arm burned like freaking crazy, blistered, got all gooey, and was disgusting for a month.

It also did not take the hair off of my arm. Just ate my skin off.

by Kelly on April 28, 2011

Oh the horror of facial hair!! I feel your pain. I was the same girl in junior high and highschool but of course I felt I was all alone. This is not a plug but I went to Ideal Image a few years ago and it was the best money I ever spent!

by Leona on April 30, 2011

I feel your pain, my hirsute sister. I literally feel your pain.

by Libby on May 1, 2011

Found your blog while looking up info on Lourdes. I have been there. I’ve not found a good solution yet. Waxing sometimes works but even plucking will cause irritation sometimes. But all the comments about how Madonna can let her daughter look like that are disgusting. Why is it so wrong for a human to look natural?

by Cole on May 9, 2011

This blog post is THE FUNNIEST blog post I have EVER read. I am not lying. For REALS!! Thank you for making me screech, squeal, and cry because I was laughing so freaking hard. I RARELY laugh out loud when reading blogs. I like funny stuff, alot, but I’m picky. I have not laughed that hard in a long time. Will you be my please friend? I’m just thinking if I you made me laugh that much from just writing some words on the internet, dude, in person you would probably have me passed out from laughter,….and I would have abs of steel. Thank you. Thanks to your unibrow. Uni-wow, is all I can say.

by Shayna on June 4, 2011

My sister was getting ready for a middle school dance once and put foaming Nair in her hair (like, her head of long hair) thinking it was regular mousse. She wrapped her wet hair freshly Naired in a towel and came to the dinner table. We all smelled it and asked her what she put in her hair. Needless to say, she freaked out and immediately washed her hair. No harm done. But kind of funny. Not as funny as Hugh from Top Chef’s unibrow though.

by ketchupwiththefrys on June 5, 2011

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