HIPPO BRIGADE

Dog for sale

Zoey has had the shits for a solid 18 hours now. But the thing of it is, it isn’t solid. It’s drippy and it’s all OVER OUR HOUSE. Last night she dumped on the rug we have under the kitchen table. She’s crapped there so much, I believe she thinks that that is an appropriate place to go. The poor rug looks heinous, but for some unexplainable reason we don’t get rid of the rug, nay, we clean the poop and try to not to talk about the dark discoloration it leaves behind. Shhh, it’s not really there. It’s not a fancy rug by any notion. But it looks cute under the table, and well…now it’s gone. Yup. I tried to steam clean it this morning, and the end result was even more heinous, so I threw it away. Good riddance.
Oh, but getting back to the reason I am selling my dog (quick side note: I’m not really selling my dog, but hey, if the price is right…), Pat and I were settling onto the couch last night with our assortment of chocolate goodies to eat while watching Top Chef–what is it about that show that makes me want to shove all kinds of food in my mouth and then do 100 sit-ups afterwards? Oh, right, it’s the stellar combination of amazing food and the super-hot host, Padma. That bitch. So Pat goes into the living room with his heaping bowl of coco pebbles, only to step into a gigantic mound of sick-doggie-poo! OH NASTY! After a threatening stream of four letter words towards our oblivious dog, we cleaned the shit and threw Pat’s sock into the HAZ-MAT waste barrel (what? you don’t have a HAZ-MAT waste barrel in your backyard for such occasions?? Weird). We put Zoey outside and brainstormed a host of things to do with her carcass after we finished hanging her by her toenails. We calmed ourselves enough to finish watching Top Chef (that show is brilliant by the way–oh, and the faux-hawk on that one dude could not be anymore out of place. He looks like a total douche). We finally let Zoey back in the house only to find her soaking wet. The sprinklers went on and watered the lawn and our dog with reclaimed water. SUPER! Not only does our dog’s ass smell like shit, but now her whole body smells like the inside of someone’s ear. Oh, and I forgot to mention that after every bout of diarrhea, we have to wipe her ass because if not, she’ll leave a poo-stamp on our furniture.

So… do I have any takers?