September 24, 2011
We went to the car show this weekend. We go every year, and I love it.
This year we ended up at the Orange County Auto Show where I rubbed elbows with a mass of overweight men wearing jorts (jean shorts) and tank tops. And there was a time when a man’s hairy shoulder came in very close proximity to my cheek.
I was exiting a Subaru and he was eager to be the next to sit down, a little too eager, and before I could completely remove myself from the car, he grabbed at the steering wheel and started to lower himself in. A mere two centimeters from my face were his abhorrent shoulder hairs. Each standing defiantly, and proudly, as if being perched up high on this man’s body gave his shoulder hairs bragging rights over all his other body hairs. I was arrested by awe. I watched as they danced lightly when the air conditioning blew gently on them. His gaping neon green tank top showed that he not only had hair on his shoulders, but also on every part of his torso. Being that close, I saw every wiry hair was lightly covered in a dewy sweat that smelled a tiny bit like corn dogs, Jet Ski fumes, and Miller Genuine Draft. My face turned sour; I squinted my eyes and drew my lips into a tight pucker. I wouldn’t want one of those fluttering hairs in my mouth, now would I?
Soon it was all over when I shimmied myself out of the car unscathed. I dusted myself off and turned back to see if that man had any idea that he left me with deep emotional scars. He didn’t, he just pushed buttons and pretended to run over the people in front of the Subaru.
So I had no other choice but to forage onward. I had a job to do and my job was to find myself a new family car. The Passat is getting too cramped. And I want a car with a third-row.Well, it’s actually fine on space, I hate to complain about the size of my car, it sounds so prissy. Did you know that in some parts of the world there are people that don’t even have an SUV?! Shocking. How do they get their children to soccer practice and piano lessons? For all of my adolescence my mom drove my brother and me around in zippy two-door cars, and aside from my 16 year bout of car sickness, I turned out just fine. So I’m very adamant when I say I “want” a car with three-rows, I don’t need it, I just want it.
After months of making pie charts, looking at bar graphs and several power point presentations, I’ve narrowed my search down to 5 cars. I came to these conclusions based on a few criterion.
One: Can I use a hose to clean the inside of it?
Two: Does it have a back-up camera?
Three: Does my next door neighbor own it?
and Four: Will the third row collapse easily to accommodate for a impromptu quickie?
Apparently you can’t use a hose to clean the inside of your car, after I recovered from that realization, I narrowed it down to these 5 cars:
Pro of the Ford Flex is the technology. I consider myself somewhat tech-savvy and my iPhone is an integral part of my life. So the fact that my phone can sync up with the Ford as soon as I enter the car is pretty dang cool. Especially since I’ve been living under a rock with car technology for the past 6 years with my Volkswagen. As far as the technology is concerned, my VW is on par with a 1989 Pontiac Firebird.
The Con is that everyone in the whole wide County of Orange owns one of these.
Chevy Tahoe Hybrid
Pro of the Chevy Tahoe is its size and how awesome and mean it looks. Grrrr! It’s spacious, and we’re big fans of road trips, so we’d be nice and cozy in one of these. Plus it’s a hybrid, which is nice because I hate getting gas. Gas getting and going to the bank are two chores that I simply refuse to do.
Con is the size. It might be a little too big for my needs.
Range Rover LR4
Pro of the LR4 is how pretty it is. I’d like to sing a song to it everyday, lovingly clean out the front grill, and do oil paintings of it to hang above my bed.
Con is it’s a bit too fancy and if my kids barfed in it or my dog released her anal sac fluid on the seats I might launch myself into a fit of rage.
Pro of the GMC Acadia is that it’s as cute as a button, but in a very grown-up-I-pay-taxes-and-have-a-life-insurance-policy-kind-of-way. It’s like the Tahoe but less obtrusive. It’s snappy and fun to drive (The nice GM people let me drive one for a day while I was at BlogHer a few months ago and I loved it). It’s a smooth, quiet ride and incredibly classy.
Con is OnStar. I would probably never use it. And I’d hate to buy a car but never use a major component of it. I like the idea of OnStar, and I think there is definitely a use for it, but I’m not the kind of gal that would ever use it, I’ll just stick with my smart phone.
Pro of the Audi Q7 it’s German. We have a crush on German cars over here, and it’s a full fledged luxury car. I’m used to turning the big crank analogue style to lower my passenger seat into a recline position when Pat drives and I want to take a road-nap, but this thing is all fancy all the time. No big crank here, it’s all buttons, toggles, and lacquered wood paneling.
Con It would cost a butt-load to fix when it needs maintenance. I’m not down with that.
We’re not going to buy a new car for a few months. So I guess you’ll have to wait and see what we choose. I’m so excited, I can’t wait for that new car smell!