March 10, 2010
After my 4th cup of coffee this morning, my skin was buzzing, and it then occurred to me, I should give you, my dear reader, awesome factoids about me.
Because factoids are fun.
So, here you go:
I grew up in a brothel.
Look at me, I’m so silly.
Actually, I grew up in a magical land called Chino.
What? You never heard of Chino?
Allow me to explain.
Chino is like Compton, but tougher.
I used to live next door to a gang member.
He’d invite my brother and me over, and then he would give us gang tattoos with a Bic pen.
He was so sweet.
Also, there is a very large penitentiary in Chino.
That’s where the really bad men go.
Chino has a swap meet where they sell tube socks, churros, and burro rides. I got a Snoopy piñata there one year for my 6th birthday and we filled with with Mexican candy.
Chino is also a big dairy and agricultural city.
Meaning, lots of cows, chicken, and ostriches live there.
Every morning when I’d ride my bike to school, I’d be greeted with the sweet, sweet smell of cow poop.
It always smelled the strongest in the morning.
My step-sister was a part of the Future Farmers of America, or something like that, and she raised a steer.
His name was Babe. He was black and beautiful.
When he turned two, he was slaughtered…
…and then we ate him.
We put his remains in our freezer in the garage.
And for 6 months we had Babe hamburgers, Babe roast, and Babe steaks.
Babe was yummy.