October 20, 2010
I have a question:
Why is Halloween so scary?
Why? I don’t get it.
But seriously, why is it shit-in-your-pants scary?
Here’s the thing, I don’t like being scared. There was a balled-up piece of black thread on the bathroom floor this morning, I thought it was a spider. I squealed and then threw 6 tampons at it until I realized it was a piece of thread.
I skip the commercials with the scary movies, well, I actually skip all commercials because commercials are for losers.
And speaking of scary movies, I hate them. I loathe scary movies. I don’t get them. Why do you want to have images of such icky things in your mind? I have enough icky things in my mind as it is, I don’t need creepy shit rolling around in there too. People possessed by demons? Pass. Psychopaths on murdering sprees? Pass. But a romantic-comedy featuring Jennifer Aniston and Matt Damon? Sure, I’d go see that.
As you can tell I’m already sensitive to scary images, so I can’t imagine how freaky Halloween must be to my kids. Especially my 3 year-old daughter, Berlyn. Hudson, I don’t have to worry about yet, but for Berlyn it’s a freaky ass world out there. I want to protect my little ones’ eyes. But how do you do that when it’s EVERYWHERE. I can’t even go to Target without seeing gory witches and scary skeletons. And I love myself a well-stocked candy isle, so you can imagine the horror I already have to endure of not being able to get a 1-pound bag of Twix for me to eat all by myself while watching Arrested Development and having no intention of sharing with the neighbor kids.
And not just Target, but the grocery store too, and there’s this party store right next to Trader Joe’s with creepy ghosts dangling from the ceiling, and Berlyn asks, “are there scaries in there?”
Yes, Berlyn there are scaries in there, and now we should go fly a kite or look at pictures of a unicorn to offset all the blood and guts.
I feel like I can sorta keep the scaries under control by not going into certain stores, or down specific isles, but now it’s dripping all over my neighborhood too. And there’s not a whole lot I can do to keep Berlyn from looking.
I mean, yikes.
What do you guys do? Do you just ignore it? Explain to your kids that Halloween is the devil’s holiday and she just got a glimpse of what Hell looks like? Give her a donut to distract her? Seriously. What’s a mom to do?