All teeth fall out


July 28, 2010

Every night I switch off the light, close my eyes, and make attempts of peace in harmony in my subconscious. I visualize lemon meringue pie and pink bunnies, and how amazing it would be to have bouncy, shiny hair. I visualize Jason Bateman in a speedo, and street tacos, and drinking Prosecco in Union Square.

But as soon as I drift off into sleep, I have an anxiety attack.

My body becomes an angry, dark place and all my muscles clench up like a butt-hole at a proctology appointment. My fists ball up, my spine becomes a crocked disaster, and my jaw gets insanly sore. It’s like my body is telling me, I hate sleep, and I don’t want to do it, no sir, I don’t.

And then my mind chimes in and says, you dumb-ass, sleeping is the most magnificent gift. It’s glorious, and it’s the one thing I look forward to all day. Stop F-ing this up for me!

And thus, a war is waged.

When I wake up in the morning, I’m like, what the crap? Why do my teeth hurt? Why is my arm all the way over there, that doesn’t seem natural. And why can’t I look left anymore?

I can deal with a sore body. That’s fine. I can do yoga or stretch to work the kinks out (although I never do). But my mouth is another story.

The teeth thing really bothers me, I have dreams of my teeth shattering and crumbling into pieces. Like those sugar sculpting tv shows on the Food Network. You know where they spend 8 hours making a 5-foot piñata out of delicate pink and blue sugar, and then they have to move the thing 20 inches in front of them to have it judged, and the whole thing shatters, and everyone is like, “OH SHIT!” but honestly, we all knew it was coming. Because it’s a piñata, made of sugar.

So, yeah. My mouth is like the shows on Food Network.

And my teeth are poorly built sugar piñatas.

I used to have a mouth-gaurd that I’d wear at night, but it mysteriously disappeared. I’m not positive, but all signs point to my dog eating it. The recent dry hacking, coupled with her repulsive ability to eat anything, especially if it’s thickly coated in my morning drool, was what ultimately tipped me off.

Thanks Zoey, now all my teeth are going to fall out, and it’s all your fault.

Plus, you owe me 400 dollars. Bitch.

**Totally unrelated note, Zoey doesn’t mind that I call her a bitch, because technically speaking, she is one.

So, why is my mouth so stressed out?

Or, better question, why am I so stressed out?

My life is pretty awesome. I don’t have a schedule that I have to adhere to, and my kids are so frickin’ rad. Seriously, have you met them? You need to, they’re amazing.

I get to do practically anything I want, which means my days are filled with going to the beach, the pool, and the mall, and hanging out with my best friends.

Although, I do touch a lot of poo within a given day, and I get yelled at by both my baby and 3-year-old, and on really special occasions, my mom. I usually have Hudson sitting on my left hip, so that I’m free to dole out snacks for Berlyn with my right hand. I am constantly cleaning up paint, play-doh, and Golden Puffs, meanwhile, my boob is in my baby’s mouth. Oh, and speaking of my boobs, they have lost all discretion, and have been spotted by 3 of my neighbors and at least 4 Container Store employees, and that was just yesterday.

Being a mommy is tough, and even though my mind is okay with it, my body is telling me otherwise.

If I don’t get a vacation from these kids soon, I’m going to end up toothless.

I feel like there’s a joke in there about my husband benefiting from me having no teeth.

But seriously, when all my teeth crumble and shatter into a million pieces like those sugar creations on TV, it won’t be funny.

Okay, maybe a little funny because I can wear one of these:


This happens to me ALL OF THE TIME! I have dreams probably 4-5 nights a week that my teeth are falling out, cracking, crumbling loose etc. and it feels SO REAL!!! Sometimes I’ll be in the middle of a conversation and my teeth just start falling out and the person that I’m talking to doesn’t even seem to care – it was as if I just dropped my pen or something, not that my teeth are falling out all over the floor. I have heard that having dreams that your teeth are falling or that your hair is falling out means that you’re too concerned with your looks. Crap – I have both of those dreams.

by Jamye Jack on July 28, 2010

This is awesome. You’re awesome. I can totally relate! I get eye infections whenever I’m stressed. It’s totally funny because I really truly believe I’m not a very stressed person, but then I get eye infections 3 or 4 times a month. That’s about once a week. Which is about how many times I look up the number to the local loony bin incase I need to commit myself.

And we’re not even thirty yet.

by sarah on July 28, 2010

I have been told that having dreams about your teeth falling out means that you are going to move…OR..that there are unspoken things that you need to say and can’t/won’t. I reckon it is just your minds way of fucking with you and making life that little bit more annoying.

by Toni on July 29, 2010

Dude. I literally feel your pain. Before my big move from the city of Philly to small town beach town in MA, I had some serious teeth grinding issues. And yea, blowie jokes for everyone!

by Yellaphant on July 29, 2010

I wonder if it would be possible to get a cavity in teeth made of sugar.

by Libby on July 29, 2010

I think you’re stressed because you’re a freakin’ genius and brilliant and no one but me has really noticed. Well, maybe Zoe, but besides that, just me.

by Suz Broughton on July 29, 2010

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by Recent News on April 23, 2011

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