May 12, 2008
I’m breaking up with you.
I realized that our relationship has to end, when I ate my third bowl of pudding today, on top of the 5 chocolate covered strawberries I already had for breakfast. Shhh…please don’t try to change my mind with your shimmery glazes and your sparkley sprinkles–the decision’s been made, we are over.
I’ll remember you fondly; you’ve been there when times were tough. Like when I found out my high school boyfriend cheated on me with that ugly girl in my math class. I ate a whole bag of Fun-Sized Snickers, and you just let me cry while comforting me gently with a warmth in my belly and a small case of diarrhea, and I thank you for that.
I can’t forget all the good times too–like my wedding night, when our hotel brought us a complementary chocolate sculpture of a fish, and I ate the entire thing, mainly because I had been starving myself in the weeks leading up to my wedding day, and in my mind, it was a fish, and fish is good for you.
But no more! I am quitting you! Today I will embark on a journey without the sweet taste of sugar. It might be weird for a while, because I know where you hang out, and we’ll defiantly see each other. Oh, and then there’s the parties, the countless parties I attend– I know you’ll be at each and every one of them. It’s going to be awkward, I’m not going to lie. You’ll be with someone else and I’ll try to act all cool and nonchalant, and flip my hair around like I don’t need you, like I’m totally over you, like I don’t want to lick your face, and swim naked in a vat of you, but inside I do.
ACK, who am I kidding? I can’t break up with you! I love you too much. You bring me joy in the form of chocolate fondue, creme brulee and peanut butter M&Ms. But we do need to make some changes in our relationship. I have noticed some, ahem, cellulite accumulating around my thighs and ass, so we may need to cut back on how much we see each other. We can work through this, every relationship has its problems.
Please don’t ever leave me.
I love you,