January 14, 2013
So you want to party all night with your baby, huh?
Ever wondered with 3 A.M. looks like? Ever wonder what type of weird things your spouse does in his sleep? Ever wonder how much rest you really need? Well, never fear. I have some fail-safe recommendations for you to stay up all night with your baby!
- Step 1) First order of business is get a baby. I have a two month old, but any ol’ baby will do. Just make sure yours doesn’t do silly things like sleep 8 hour stretches at night yet. Sleeping long stretches at night is for the birds.
- Step 2) Keep your baby over stimulated and over tired in the early evening. This will ensure a fussy baby at bedtime. This is best done by having an older sibling sing to your baby, or show your baby every single toy they own, despite your baby’s best efforts to turn his head away and fuss. Your older sibling has no idea that that means “no more thank you.” And your older sibling also has no idea that this simple act is getting your baby primed and ready for a 2 hour scream session.
- Step 3) At bed time make sure things are loud and chaotic. Again, your older siblings can help out with this step. Make sure they yell and run up and down the hallway with all the vim and vigor as a couple of overactive Pomeranians. Slamming into walls and doors while you’re trying to nurse your baby down to sleep is also helpful.
- Step 4) Finally, you got your baby to enter a slightly restful state. It took you approximately three and a half hours of nursing, rocking, singing, and dancing in the dark. Just add a mirrored ball and a bubbly drink, and you’ve got yourself a disco-teque! But now that your baby’s asleep you are bored out of your mind and you’ve found yourself just waiting around for him to wake up. It’s probably around 11:00 P.M. and your spouse has just settled in for the night. He just doesn’t value staying up all night like you and your baby do.
- Step 5) It’s 1:19 A.M. and your baby finally woke up! Oh goodie. Nurse and don’t bother burping your baby, this is an imperative step in ensuring that he will wake up with gas in about one hour’s time.
- Step 6) 2:34 A.M. Your baby woke up screaming! Now listen carefully because this part is very important in keeping your baby awake and being able to party all night with him: continue to feed your baby no matter what he really wants. Just keep offering him a boob. He’s gassy? Feed him. He’s too hot? Feed him. He has spit up on his neck fat and all down his onesie? Feed him. Is his swaddle is too tight? Feed him. You get the idea…
- 4:47 A.M. Congratulations, you’re almost there. Just keep repeating Step 6 until it’s time for normal people to wake up.
7:22 A.M. You made it! It’s morning. And you’ve both managed to stay up all night. Bravo! Now you have some bragging rights, a few extra lines on your face, and the mental capacity of a underfed squirrel. Enjoy your day, and remember if you and your baby fall asleep and stay asleep at night, you’re just not trying hard enough.