Every year I get tricked into eating someone’s dry-ass bird for Thanksgiving.
I blame my fantasticness.
It’s probably because I’m so fantastic all the time.
I like to see the good in people. So I say yes. Yes to going to Senior So-in-So’s house for Thanksgiving this year because geez, I’m super fantastic. And I think to myself, I remember you having a large assortment of pies the last time I came over for Thanksgiving, and I’m not about to pass up large assortments of pie. I might even be willing to overlook your blander-than-my-duvet-cover-turkey. I say blander, because my duvet cover at least has some flavor with my sloughed off skin flakes that taste like corn and lubriderm.
For the right amount of pie, I’m willing to do some crazy stuff.
But this year I bested myself…
AAH-HAA!!! Take that, SELF!
…and decided to have Thanksgiving dinner at my house.
Which means I immediately threw myself into an anxiety-frenzy. I almost can’t do anything productive if I’m not in a frenzy about it. I’m like the opposite of a duck swimming in a pond. I’m all frenetic on the outside, but calm and organized on the inside. I’m like if a duck swam upside down. Or, I’m like a duck from a fish’s point of view. Yeah, that’s it.
OUTSIDE:: I’m climbing up my kitchen counters like a crazy-person, shattering bottles of olive oil and balsamic vinegar to find the bay leaves in my spice cabinet.
INSIDE:: I’m humming a Josh Groban Christmas carol.
OUTSIDE:: I have lipstick on my teeth, mismatched athletic socks pulled up to my knees, and I’m wearing an oversized holiday sweater with blinking lights on it, one of which is broken.
INSIDE:: I’m mentally checking off lists and multitasking like a MO-FO.
It’s my process people. Don’t judge.
Needless to say I was a mess. And things didn’t turn out perfect.
But, on the plus side, the turkey was delicious.
First, I brined the sucker.
Then I rubbed butter under its skin.
And lastly, I placed strips of bacon on the turkey’s boobies.
People liked the bacon turkey, and I think I may have started a new tradition of having Thanksgiving at my house.