Oh crap. I have to write about something nice, because the last 9 posts were covered in proverbial fish guts, and I’m pretty sure you all get that I’m a massive bitch right now, and you know that want nothing more than to complain about it and make you buy me a slushy, and a hostess sno-ball from the AM-PM down the street, and while you’re there can you get me some flowers too? Because flowers are like a hug wrapped in beautiful colors.
AM-PM doesn’t have fresh flowers, but those silk roses they sell individually with the dew drops made of hot glue will do. Thanks.
So perhaps because Thanksgiving is tomorrow and I’m feeling all cliché and gooey inside, I should write about what I am thankful for.
Here it goes:
- I’m thankful for my daily nap.
- I’m thankful for my arsenal of antacids that I’ve just stocked up on so I can have some delicious turkey and gravy tomorrow. My doctor just gave me the okay to mix and match, so if my eyes roll back into my head and I end up foaming at the mouth, leave me alone, it’s just me enjoying the thanksgiving stuffing, I don’t bother you while you’re trying to enjoy your stuffing.
- I’m thankful that that rouge, dark nipple hair decided to stop growing, because it was starting to freak me out, especially when I thought about nursing my newborn. I envisioned that he’d choke on it (It was really thick– like Russian-man thick) and I forgot to take those infant CPR classes, and shit, I just killed my baby because of my ridiculously long nipple hair. And although that would be regretfully sad, it would also be really embarrassing.
So to recap, because recapping helps retain valuable information. And everything about this post is really really valuable, but valuable in the same way your toddler might give you a cigarette butt off the ground and say, this is for you, mama, and then you cry a little inside because gift receiving is your love language, but then you think, oh sick son of a bitch, that person could have herpes! And you launch the cigarette butt into the bushes when she isn’t looking and you’re all, I love you, honey. Thanks for hand herpes, can you get herpes of the hand? And your daughter is all, I donno. And then you both bathe in Purell.
Beckey likes sno-balls and is okay with the silk flowers from the gas station convenience store if that’s the only place you can find flowers.
Maalox coupled with Tums equals happiness, and maybe a little foaming
Nipple hair may cause infant death