Thankful and stuff

5 Comments

November 25, 2009

Oh crap. I have to write about something nice, because the last 9 posts were covered in proverbial fish guts, and I’m pretty sure you all get that I’m a massive bitch right now, and you know that want nothing more than to complain about it and make you buy me a slushy, and a hostess sno-ball from the AM-PM down the street, and while you’re there can you get me some flowers too? Because flowers are like a hug wrapped in beautiful colors.

Wait.

AM-PM doesn’t have fresh flowers, but those silk roses they sell individually with the dew drops made of hot glue will do. Thanks.

So perhaps because Thanksgiving is tomorrow and I’m feeling all cliché and gooey inside, I should write about what I am thankful for.

Here it goes:

  • I’m thankful for my daily nap.
  • I’m thankful for my arsenal of antacids that I’ve just stocked up on so I can have some delicious turkey and gravy tomorrow. My doctor just gave me the okay to mix and match, so if my eyes roll back into my head and I end up foaming at the mouth, leave me alone, it’s just me enjoying the thanksgiving stuffing, I don’t bother you while you’re trying to enjoy your stuffing.
  • I’m thankful that that rouge, dark nipple hair decided to stop growing, because it was starting to freak me out, especially when I thought about nursing my newborn. I envisioned that he’d choke on it (It was really thick– like Russian-man thick) and I forgot to take those infant CPR classes, and shit, I just killed my baby because of my ridiculously long nipple hair. And although that would be regretfully sad, it would also be really embarrassing.

So to recap, because recapping helps retain valuable information. And everything about this post is really really valuable, but valuable in the same way your toddler might give you a cigarette butt off the ground and say, this is for you, mama, and then you cry a little inside because gift receiving is your love language, but then you think, oh sick son of a bitch, that person could have herpes! And you launch the cigarette butt into the bushes when she isn’t looking and you’re all, I love you, honey. Thanks for hand herpes, can you get herpes of the hand? And your daughter is all, I donno. And then you both bathe in Purell.

Recap:

Beckey likes sno-balls and is okay with the silk flowers from the gas station convenience store if that’s the only place you can find flowers.

Maalox coupled with Tums equals happiness, and maybe a little foaming

Nipple hair may cause infant death

The end.

5 Comments:

Once again, had me rolling..Thanks! Happy Thanksgiving! Hope you foam all day tomorrow!

by sara on November 25, 2009

I am thankful that during a pretty crappy day at work I was able to laugh my ass off during my lunch break by reading this post!

by Julie Snell on November 25, 2009

Russian-man thick rouge, dark nipple hair? OMFG!

by Mike Krause on November 25, 2009

Sno-balls. Got it.

by dgm on November 27, 2009

Just the one hair then? Hm. Lucky.

by Steam Me Up, Kid on November 29, 2009

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Bad Mommy.

2 Comments

November 24, 2009

When I think about being a good mom, images of me in a hooped skirt and apron pop into my head. I think of myself blissfully pulling something out of the oven, preferably something covered in chocolate, but wait, because I’m a good mom, it’s probably soy-based meatloaf or spinach pie, I don’t even know what spinach pie is, but I’m sure it tastes delicious, because hello? I’m a good mom.

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Oh, and when I think about being a good mom, I never loose my temper. I’m patient, and abundant with love.

And I never raise my voice at my daughter because Berlyn doesn’t have a hearing problem, and my mom yelled.

A lot.

And I never really liked that much.

But lately?

Lately, I’ve become a yeller. A ferocious beastly yeller lady who is not a good mom at all. I don’t even pull stuff out of the oven. And you can forget about the skirt and apron, because I’m in sweatpants all day long.

Cozy, angry, sweatpants.

Take this morning for instance, I just got mad at Berlyn for needing my help while she ate her squeezie yogurt.

And then she got mad, and started flinging the stuff all over the place, and that’s when I lost my shit.

What kind of deranged, messed up person yells at a toddler for eating yogurt?

Me. That’s who.

I’m nomimating myself for a vacation.

But that’s just depressing. Because I can’t take a vacation. I’m having a baby soon, and believe me, no one wants to see all this lovin’ squeezed into a bathing suit.

I don’t know what to do.

AACKK!

**And that lady, in the picture above? Yeah, I’m pretty sure her spanich pie is on fire.

2 Comments:

I hate those squeezy yogurt things. I stepped on one once (don’t ask why it was on the floor… we have a housekeeping problem at my house sometimes) and it spurted out cream colored goo just like a porn star.

by monnik on November 24, 2009

I have no advice.

I pretty much acted like that before my second one was born. And then again before my third one was born. I was not a nice person. And if I baked something, I was eating it and no one else could have any. I say, bake something and take a mini-vaca in your room. Like until the baby is born.

by ashley on November 24, 2009

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Pregnancy complaining.

8 Comments

November 19, 2009

Whatever. I’m complaining.

I don’t sleep at night any more.

I try to be positive, but when I don’t get my 10 hours of sleep at night, I get really angry and I want to punch your grandma in the face. And will someone please explain this extra layer of fat I’ve accumulated around my lady parts? What the crap is that about?

Sleeping at night is for sissies and for people who want to be productive during the day. it’s not for me.

But because I have to pretend that I am going to sleep at night, I get all ready for bed, and then turn the light off,

and then lay…awake.

It’s super fun. You should all try it.

No, it’s not insomnia. It’s a fate worse than insomnia.

It’s reflux.

How sick is that?

While I’m trying really hard just to close my eyeballs and get some damn sleep, hot chunky liquid rises up into my mouth. It’s like the liquid is saying, oh, you don’t need sleep right now, what you need is something sour and tangy to chew on. Here you go!

Except, it’s really not very delicious to chew on your stomach acid and bits of half processed food. It reminds me of a tuna cassarole I once had as a kid.

Oh and then there is the burning. The holy-shit-my-throat-is-on-fire burning.

So no, I don’t sleep. Instead, I wander my halls, and pop Tums into my mouth like they were candy. Chalky, disgusting candy.

And I make sure the house isn’t on fire, because I need a project at 3:16 am.

I find it’s a much better use of my time.

Since this is a place of sharing, sometime over sharing, does any one else have some nasty pregnancy symptoms that you’d like to share?

8 Comments:

That was a pretty raunchy picture you painted girl. I think I may have developed a little reflux while reading it.

by Julie Snell on November 19, 2009

Holy smokes, you and your brother have a lot in common. Except for the whole pregnant thing, this entry sounds like he could have written it. Sometimes I can’t be near him at night because he smells like Burp.

by amanda on November 19, 2009

Try raising the head of your bed 2-4 inches off the ground. To help with the reflux, I mean.

by Hannah on November 20, 2009

Ummm…this isn’t a nasty pregnancy complaint, but it’s a complaint nonetheless: morning sickness blows! It has to be the worst thing ever bestowed upon the female species. I mean, seriously. I always feel like I have barf stuck midway down my esophagus. And then when I do gag and heave, nothing comes out. It just stays stuck.

by Lindsay H on November 20, 2009

I had reflux when pregnant with my son, but it wasn’t chunky. It was just liquid that burned like ever-lovin’-fire. I gagged, coughed and hurrrked my way thru the last 4 weeks of pregancy with him. I had to sleep at a 45 degree angle so my butt hurt along with everything else.

by ellipses on November 20, 2009

I had severe audio tattoos playing in my head while I tried to sleep. Mostly it was They Might Be Giants’ songs, and they would stream through my brain and wake me up throughout the night. I’m normally susceptible to ear worms, but it was really extreme during my pregnancies.

I also got a burning sensation on my arm, as if it was being burned by a cigarette. I now realize it was probably the pre-natal vitamins, which contain a lot of vitamin B.

by dgm on November 21, 2009

oh the Vagiant. The Hugina.
That was the worst.

by lora on November 22, 2009

all my nasty symptoms came over baby was born… it’s gross.

by carlie on November 24, 2009

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Five years of Zoey

6 Comments

November 16, 2009

Today Zoey is 5.

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Okay, whatever, I’m not one of those freaky people who celebrate their dog’s birthday with a party and a cupcake, and then let their dog get all strung out on fruit punch, and they end up humping the neighborhood cat because she’s easy, and then 4 months later (I don’t know how long cats gestate, sheesh), congratulations you are now the proud owner of 6 pug/cats! But wait, my dog is a girl, and she’s spayed. It’s not possible. Turns out it is possible and we can blame it all on the fruit punch.

Damn punch.

Anyways, I’m not one of those people. But for some reason I have to celebrate her in a special way, because I love her and can’t envision my life with out her, even though she’s stinky, stainy, itchy, and licky, and eats my underwear, which is totally disgusting, but you know what? She doesn’t eat my husband’s underwear, and I think it’s her way of telling me she loves me the most.

We took her to the dog park yesterday to, you know, show her a good time. But all she did was look at other dogs and sit by our feet. Sometimes she can be such a turd.

So in honor of Zo-Zo, I will give her a bath today, I won’t call her a fat whore, and I’ll try to scratch all her itchy spots.

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Happy Birthday Zoey, you’re one hot pug.

6 Comments:

I love animal birthdays, provided they are celebrated tastefully.

My password at work is my cat’s name and her birthday (Tyler21, in case you want access to my time keeper)

Also, my dog used to eat my underwear. It was gross, but I find it wildly hilarious that I had a dog who’s mission in life was to eat the crotches out of my panties. The dirtier the better.

Tasty!

by Lora on November 16, 2009

Hahahah I love the picture of Zooey and Berlyn. They’ll all SO WHAT?!

by Yellaphant on November 16, 2009

I totally mispelled Zoey’s name. SO WHAT?!

by Yellaphant on November 16, 2009

“Five more years! Five more years!” Awww, happy birthday, Zoey.

I hate to bust out as a grammar nazi, but in the sentence where you say “…even though she’s stinky, stainy, itchy, and licky, and eats my underwear, which is totally disgusting,…” do you mean that Zoey’s eating of your underwears is totally disgusting, or that your underwear is totally disgusting? I guess I’d still be your friend either way. I guess.

by dgm on November 17, 2009

awwh man! That’s so embarrising. That’s why you’re the lawyer lady who gets paid the big bucks. Thanks for being the grammer nazi. Would you believe I majored in English, but never took a grammar class, I guess they just expected me to know this stuff. Maybe I should take one of your classes.

by Hippo Brigade on November 17, 2009

Your dog is adorable! I also love the pic with Zoey and Berlyn. They are both like “Ack…do we have to take a pic? Okay, fine. But we aren’t going to pretend to be happy about it.” Haha.

by Tara on November 19, 2009

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Facebook Dump

7 Comments

November 12, 2009

Raise your hand if you look at Facebook while taking a massive dump!!

I know I do.

Nope, it’s not gross it’s necessary. How else am I supposed to keep up with your boring minutia every day? Tammy O’ Foster Just got a peppermint mocha from Starbucks. That’s some important shit, and I need to read about it…on the toilet.

Whatever.

Don’t look at me like that.

You do it too.

It’s called multitasking. And it just makes good sense.

And see? I’m not the only one, Bridget over at Yellaphant texts her friends while pooping.

Truth of the matter is, you can get a lot done while sitting on the toilet. Not me, per se, because I’m a quick crapper, I like to get in and out and on with my day. Just a quick glance at FB, and I move on. But most of the population likes to sit, relax, and email, text, twitter, and I’m totally fine with it because, shhh no one knows your pooping.

My mom on the other hand will call me. Oh, Beck, she’ll start, this gay couple just moved in next-door and they have the most fabulous garden. I have to know their secret.

And then she’ll ramble on about the sale at Kohl’s and I’ll kindly remind her that I will never ever shop at Kohl’s. And then she’ll reprimand me for not calling my grandma enough. Then the next thing I hear is a BAWW-WHOOSH!

Flush.

MOOOOMMMMM! Did you just poo while on the phone with me??!

No dear, I just peed. Don’t worry Beck, I’ll use Lysol.

See where I get my smarts from? That woman is always thinking.

So a word to all you facebook crappers, there’s no shame in multitasking. Just use Lysol and wash your hands afterwards, because if my mom does it, it’s gotta be okay.

7 Comments:

Whatever happened to good old fashioned reading a magazine??? Or am I just too old school?

by Adam @ Reluctant Stay at Home Dad on November 12, 2009

man, if it weren’t for craps and my iPhone, i’d never be on facebook. goes to show just how much value it holds in my life, i guess…

by Pat on November 12, 2009

OK this is the one thing I can admit to NOT ever doing whilst in the loo…texting or talking on the phone or Facebooking. God forbid someone hear me doing what I’m doing in there. Yep, I’m the one who turns the water on when she’s pooping…because you know, the world would fall down right around me if anyone heard that! *lol*

by Audrey at Barking Mad! on November 12, 2009

This, THIS is why you are my best friend. You can ALWAYS make me laugh. No matter what!

by Dena Lucas on November 12, 2009

You make me laugh too and you don’t even know me!! I promise I never poop and post (on Twitter or facebook or any other social networking site) – but this is mostly because I never thought of it.

Thanks for the idea Beck!!!

by Holli on November 12, 2009

that’s how my mother always gets off the phone with me, “i have to pee, becky. do you want me to-?” and i’ll shout, NO!

ps so… i hear you’re in the becky club. nice to meet you, becky, i’m becky! 🙂

by mylittlebecky on November 12, 2009

That’s why the internet is wonderful. Nobody knows you’re pooping.

by Yellaphant on November 13, 2009

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A room of his own

10 Comments

November 10, 2009

We’re going to have a baby here soon, but we haven’t done anything with the baby’s room.

See? I’m not lying:

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What’s the hold up, you ask?

Other than sheer laziness?

And denial?

And-shit-in-your-pants-fear?

Well it’s the fact that we don’t have a theme picked out, silly.

Babies’ rooms need themes people.

Wildly adorable themes, and that crap they peddle at Babies R Us isn’t cutting it.

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That? Up there, with the basketballs and footballs? No way, I’d rather eat dog food for an entire year.

So we had to start brainstorming.

First we were going to paint a stripe on the ceiling and just do a modern room. We found this room in a Domino Magazine as inspiration:

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But then we saw this old subway poster and thought we should do an industrial revolution theme and use the colors black, rust and navy.

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But then we saw this old life preserver and captain’s mirror thought we’d do a nautical/pirate’s theme.

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But nautical and pirate themed rooms are super cliché and over done.

Which got us thinking, what isn’t cliché?

Rats?

You never see a rat nursery. And I found this amazing rug that would go super nice with his crib.

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Maybe a Jesus theme? Because he’s coming at Christmas time, and we still haven’t ruled out the possibility of naming him Jesus.

We can line a shelf with those fancy Jesus candles they sell at the grocery store in between the ethnic rice and Duraflame logs.

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Or, hey! What about an anatomy themed room? We can make a mobile of internal organs, and hang photos of the digestive system.

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Clearly I need help, do you guys have any ideas? Cliché or orginal, whatever, I’m desperate.

10 Comments:

We did Surfer in my son’s room. I installed bead board, and chair rail, and painted the rest green, then we collected surfing themed stuff from where ever we saw it, I also headed down to the pier and took pictures, and blew them up in frames for a personal touch. Good luck!

by Adam @ Reluctant Stay at Home Dad on November 10, 2009

I vote for the internal organ theme. This way whatever baby Jesus does in his room that he should only do in a diaper or a spit up cloth, well, it’ll fit the theme. Besides, it will give him that extra head start on pre-med.

by MomZombie on November 10, 2009

The road-kill rat is timeless.

by North County Mike on November 10, 2009

I love that Domino mag inspiration one. Gorgeous!

by Kgroovy on November 10, 2009

I’m all about orange and teal right now.

by Kristin Sellars on November 10, 2009

I really like the idea of a graffiti inspired room. It lends itself to just about any color and can go a bit industrial with the subway sign that you found. Plus if he writes on his walls in a couple of years you can play it off as part of the decor.

Skate boards, the rat rug and recycled tire art also come to mind.

by Jessica on November 10, 2009

We didn’t do a ‘theme’ for our son’s room just because I don’t like the idea of a cliched baby room. Instead we went with an aqua color on the walls and pretty much added some bright colors in the way of bedding and accessories. I love the modern nursery and the subway poster. Can’t wait to see what you come up with! I’m sure it’ll be fantastic.

by Michelle on November 10, 2009

You should go with what his interests are. If you’ll be breastfeeding, I think you should go with a breast theme. Maybe Patrick will give up some magazines for wallpaper. If you’re formula feeding, I’d go with chemistry charts, maybe a few cows…

You’re welcome.

by dgm on November 11, 2009

Um, yeah. Jesus candles have inspired my entire kitchen rehab…

http://littlemaniac.blogspot.com/2009/08/i-wonder-if-they-sell-handbaskets-to.html

I’ll let you know if I have anything that I don’t use!

by Lora on November 11, 2009

What about an art-themed room? Like, run a line of paint handprints along the middle of the wall as a border, and…I don’t know what else. I just liked the idea of handprints. You could invite family over and you can all add handprints. I’m so bad with baby stuff. I’m sorry.

Hey, do you want to join my Becky Club? It’s not really a club, it’s just a list of Beckys on my sidebar. I have two Beckys so far. Me and another blogger. You’re a Beckey, but it counts. Let me know!

by Steam Me Up, Kid on November 11, 2009

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Caution: Hiring a Cleaning Lady May Induce a Panic Attack

9 Comments

November 6, 2009

Cleaning people are going to clean my house today.

I feel like a damn celebrity.

No one has ever cleaned my house before. And that’s just fine, because I’m a stay-at-home mom and I really don’t have a whole lot going on in my life that would keep me from making sure a poo residue doesn’t build up in the toilet. I can handle the cleaning of my house, but now that I’m a big pregnant lady whose pelvis clicks every time I move, and my sciatica flairs up every time I get up from my cozy spot on the couch, my mom felt pity for me and offered me her cleaning lady.

YES!! ((I am air-punching the sky with enthusiasm))

But there is all this stuff I have to do before they get here…

Like clean my house.

I have to clean my house before they clean my house. Does that make me normal or neurotic?

And I’ve created a list of demands.

I feel like such a bitch–like a pelvic-clicking bitch.

I think when they get here, I’m going to follow them around the house making sure they clean it to my standards.

I’ll be so bored, and antsy, I’ll have no choice but to follow them.

What the hell are you supposed to do when cleaning people are at your house?

I can’t take a nap because I want them to clean my bedroom.

I can’t go for a walk because Berlyn will be sleeping.

I’d feel like a jackass if i just sat on the couch and watched Bravo. But because I’m such a sweet jackass, I’d probably lift my legs up while they cleaned the floor under me.

What if they use Pledge on my hardwood floors? Or vacuum up my dog? What if they use the same sponge they used on the toilets on my kitchen counters? What if they go through my drawers and find where I keep all my dead turtles, or what if they steal a pair of my shoes?

How do people do this every week?

Excuse me now, I need to have a panic attack.

9 Comments:

this is pretty much why i don’t have one of those lady things coming over to my house.

not that i’m doing the housework myself or anything…

by Lora on November 6, 2009

I pre-cleaned too! You cant have a messy house when new people are going to come over!

by Casey on November 6, 2009

This is one of the reasons why we don’t have one anymore (not that I’d say no if anyone wanted to “gift” one to me)… I’d spend so much time cleaning up before they came I figured it’d only take a few more minutes to throw some cleanser in the tub and swish the toilet bowls a couple of times. But it does smell SOOOOOOO much better when they do it, so that’s nice. Enjoy!

by sarah on November 6, 2009

I share the same anxiety. 🙂

by melinda on November 6, 2009

I do the same thing before I get a pedicure–I have to pre-clean my callus-y feet so my little Vietnamese friend won’t judge me so harshly. I’m a good person, but the looks of my feet suggest otherwise.

by dgm on November 6, 2009

I had that same pelvic issue when pregnant with both my boys. I never got a cleaning lady ( but I am going to see if I can guilt my hubby into one after the fact)…but I would have been like you, trying to clean before they got there.
I say, sit on the couch with a bag of chip and watch BRAVO. I would have.

by Cara on November 9, 2009

I had fun reading this refresing and thought provoking topic. Thanks.

by Panic Attack on November 9, 2009

It is so touching that “Panic Attack” commented on this entry.

by amanda on November 9, 2009

“I’d feel like a jackass if i just sat on the couch and watched Bravo. But because I’m such a sweet jackass, I’d probably lift my legs up while they cleaned the floor under me.”

Awesome.

by Yellaphant on November 10, 2009

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Arizona is Really Hot, and since we’re talking about random Arizona facts, the bola tie is the official state neckwear, and and coincidentally I’m wearing a bola tie right now.

4 Comments

November 3, 2009

6 o’ clock is for runners.

It’s for people who like to early start on their day.

It’s for people who pray or do yoga without distractions.

It’s NOT for me.

I prefer 9:30, but since I have a toddler, I’ve adjusted to an 8 o’ clock morning call.

And all was well until the time changed.

What the crap time change? Why do you hate me? Why does the sun come into my window so frickin early? And why is my daughter waking up at 6:00?

You know, in some places they don’t even observe time change? Like Arizona.

Which makes me think Arizona is like a Jehovah Witness.

I remember when I was in second grade my friend Lisa didn’t do the pledge of allegiance. She’d just sit there and pick at her bedazzled jean jacket while all of us were standing and saying the pledge. I asked her once why she didn’t do it, and she said it was because of her religion, she also said she didn’t celebrate holidays or her birthday.

I remember thinking, oh hell no (yes, as a second grader I tossed around the hell word. There was a lot of family distress, which gave me a legit excuse to flirt with quazi-cuss words). Then I tried to tell her what she was missing out on: My Little Pony themed birthday parties, Christmas stockings stuffed with candy, dressing up as a princess at Halloween. I think I even shed a few tears for her because she’s missed out on so much.

Except, I don’t think Arizona is missing out on anything.

I think Arizona has the right idea. They also have a high incidence of heat rash and Buicks full of old people. But they have the right idea nonetheless.

And if we lived in Arizona right now my toddler would be sleeping till 8:00.

But then we’d live in Arizona. Which means I’d probably get a heat rash and drive a Buick.

4 Comments:

LOL. you crack me up!
i went to a day care place that was RUN by jehovah witnesses. they would inspect our lunch boxes for halloween candy & throw it away. When my mom packed me a cupcake for my birthday, trash. it sucked.
anyway… thanks for the chuckle!

by Kristin on November 3, 2009

My grandpa only ever wore a bolo tie. But, he was a real cowboy who fought in WWII, so I never gave him crap about it.

by Aaron on November 4, 2009

I still don’t understand why we can’t just move the clock forward 23 hours.

When I first started dating my now-husband over 20 years ago, he wore a bolo tie. In L.A.! With converse high tops! Remarkably, I found that attractive.

by dgm on November 4, 2009

*bolo.

People here also think it’s acceptable prom attire.

by Hayli on November 6, 2009

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Probably the Cutest Octopus in the World

6 Comments

November 2, 2009

Berlyn debuted as an octopus for her first trick or treating experience.

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How cute is she?

Honestly.

Here are some more festive halloween photos:

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6 Comments:

You made that adorable costume? Bravo!

by Julie Snell on November 2, 2009

Awww. How can you even think of wearing your Bad Mood Underwear with a little doll like that?

by dgm on November 2, 2009

That really is the cutest costume. Great idea too!

by Tara on November 2, 2009

She is so cute!! Great costume idea!

by Kristin on November 2, 2009

so cute! homemade costumes are the best costumes

by Lora on November 3, 2009

She looks so big! I miss her.

by melinda on November 6, 2009

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