Bad Mood Underwear

4 Comments

October 29, 2009

I’m not in a good mood any more.

All that stuff I said before about liking your new hair cut and your sassy personality–I was lying, and now that I’m in a bad mood, I no longer have the decency to lie.

Yup. It’s like that.

Hey, Beckey, what gives? Why are you a giant bitch all the time?

Because people, I’m over it.

I have less than 8 weeks to gestate, and I’m ready to be done.

I never sleep, but I’m always tired.

I feel like a 90 year old woman all rickety, and slow-moving.

And then there’s the ridiculous amount of liquid hot magma living inside my esophagus, just sloshing around, making me breathe fire, and constantly vomit hot hot chunks into my mouth.

People always ask me how I’m feeling, and up until now I’ve tried to be upbeat and positive, but I can’t find positive things to say anymore. And the fact that this will all end with a tiny screaming baby who is going to scare the shit out of me, isn’t helping.

So yeah, that’s how I’m really feeling.

Be careful next time you ask me, because I might tell you the truth, and and no one really likes hearing the truth, because it’s awkward and uncomfortable, kinda like these underwear I’m wearing.

So the lesson learned today is:

The truth is like my underwear?

4 Comments:

These are the posts I love to read after I have a particularly strong urge to have another baby.

So, I thank you for your misery.

But I hope it passes quickly and your baby is a mute angel who sleeps a lot.

by monnik on October 29, 2009

You can tell me the truth any (and every) day!! Love you friend!

by sarah on October 29, 2009

I hope your crankiness passes like the gas you just left in the other room. That’s how much I want you to brighten up. 🙂

by dgm on October 31, 2009

Thanks for stopping my blog. I don’t think I’ll be showing my wife this particular post though. She’s having a hard enough time with being sick all the time with out having to think about roughly the size of a U-haul while chasing our son around.

by Adam on November 1, 2009

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10 Year Reunion

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October 26, 2009

It was my 10 year reunion this past weekend.

Need I remind you that I am a waddling 8 month-pregnant lady?

So, yeah, I was a bit puffy, rounded at the edges, and wearing gigantic and unsexy undergarments.

Swoon.

But you know what? It actually worked out, because I didn’t obsess over myself: I didn’t have to consider going on the master cleanse diet, I didn’t shave my legs, and any debate over anti-aging treatments ended in a nay.

This is what I looked like in highschool, pretty rad huh?

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10 years later not a whole lot has changed, except, I’ve learned to pose for photos with my mouth shut.

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Pat had to wear this awesome name tag, and I liked it so much that I’m making him wear it to all future social engagements.

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These are some of the amazing friends that I made over 10 years ago, and by the grace of God we’re all still stellar people, and therefore, we’re all still friends.

El Dorado Class of ’99; thanks for the awkward/fun night.

Can’t wait to see how hot everyone will look in 10 more years.

8 Comments:

I love your dress!!

by Jamye Jack on October 26, 2009

A. You look awesomer now, although the true test would be to see you pregnant in an El Dorado cheerleader’s uniform.

B. I totally want an “I’m with Beckey” sticker with your senior picture. Please arrange.

by dgm on October 26, 2009

Love the name tag Pat got to wear!

by Julie Snell on October 26, 2009

Would you stop it already?! You look fabulous! Especially for a bloated pregnant woman. I’m KIDDING! In all honestly, you look beautiful, so stop worrying.

by Yellaphant on October 28, 2009

Ha! I was class of 98′ at Valencia (songleader too)!
(I’m a fellow OC Family blogger)

by Kara-Noel on November 1, 2009

How did you make the name tags…get the picture and names on the tag….

by mary on June 5, 2014

How did you do the name tags… those are really cute? This may be dumb question, but what does the “I am with Beckey mean” Is that who their BFFs were?? Thanks!!

by Jenny Johannsen on May 11, 2016

Love the name tags. How did you make them?

by Sue Sargenti on May 20, 2016

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Starstruck

3 Comments

October 22, 2009

I never see famous people.

I had this wacky dream once that Jessica Simpson wanted to go shopping with me, and I had to tell her no becauase she dressed too skanky, and I didn’t want to be her friend anymore.

That was the extent of my celebrity encounters.

Until last night.

I saw Kate Hudson.

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Whatever no big deal. Celebrities need to go shopping with their baseball playing boyfriends in Newport Beach just as much as I do.

Except it was a big deal.

I forgot what I should be doing with my hands.

There I was in the tiny Ever store at Fashion Island with pit stains on my shirt and chocolate sauce smeared on my lips from the Mc Donald’s hot fudge sundae I just devoured. And when she walked in I suddenly became so aware of how dowdy and ratty I look.

I tried to look like I was shopping, but all I could do is gawk. I mean, it’s frickin Kate Hudson, she’s kind of a big deal. And apparently Alex Rodriguez was with her, but since I don’t give a rat’s ass about baseball, I couldn’t have cared less.

A few hours later I was in Bloomingdale’s, and there she was again. And then I kept seeing her.

I’m sure she was stalking me.

Gosh, some people.

After that I was bored.

And if a Kate Hudson sighting wasn’t cool enough for this blog post. I also saw Laurie from the Real Housewives from Orange County at Saks today.

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And it can be confirmed that she bought a new sparkle tank top.

3 Comments:

I recently saw Charlize Theron at a Chelsea soccer game, walked by her about 2 feet from me…it made me feel like a shlump for sure! That woman is gorgeous!

by Julie Snell on October 22, 2009

[…] post: Hippo Brigade » Starstruck Share and […]

by Hippo Brigade » Starstruck | Headlines Today on October 23, 2009

I used to have a totally massive girl crush on Kate Hudson. And if I ever saw her in person, there is no certainty that I would not try to make out with her. So considering that, I’d say you did a pretty good job. Even if you felt dowdy. I’m sure she understood.

by Yellaphant on October 26, 2009

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These things I know.

7 Comments

October 16, 2009

I know I’m pregnant.

I know that my belly is swollen with a tiny adorable fetus/sea creature.

These things I know.

So, please refrain from telling me I’m huge.

It hurts my feelings.

And I might cut you.

Making us both hurt.

Misery loves company.

Today I was getting the mail, and my next door neighbor says, “Wow! I haven’t seen you in a while (I’ve only been living next to her for 2 weeks) You’re so big!”

My response, “Yeah, I’m carrying around a child in my uterus, it’s to be expected.” I thought we were done, so I turned to walk home.

But then she starts up again, “I know, but it’s like you just popped.”

Me, “Yeah, I have less than 10 weeks to go.”

Her, “Well in that case, you look good.”

Me, “Listen, lady, I’m trying to be nice, and entertain this trite conversation, but all I want to do is punch you in the boob.”

Okay, so I didn’t actually tell her I wanted to punch her in the boob, but I think she read it all over my face, and then I showed my teeth, and the set of brass knuckles I carry around for such instances, and she left me alone.

It makes me uncomfortable to talk about my body. It makes me think you’re sizing me up, and I don’t like that. So stop it. I’m pregnant, and honestly, I don’t have much control of the size of my belly, or ass.

And I think all this might be stemming from the fact that I don’t fit into my favorite pair of sexy shoes anymore, and how humiliating is that? Shoes should always fit.

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So now my shoes are judging me?

Frick.

7 Comments:

Aww, friend, you’re adorable and SO not huge. But I know you aren’t one of those girls who writes a blog about an expanding waist line in order to fish for compliments, so I don’t want to over do it or anything. But seriously, you’re perfect looking. I just told you the other day you could be a pregnant model. Then you’d get potentially cool maternity clothes and maybe you’d let me borrow them. 🙂

by sarah on October 16, 2009

…And it’s not permanent. Just screwed on

by Mike Krause on October 17, 2009

I used to love when people would say, “You look really good for being pregnant and all.”

I’m sure you look beautiful!

For being pregnant and all.

by dgm on October 17, 2009

Some more things you should know…I love you with all my heart, you are adorable, you can never trust a pair of sexy shoes.

by Dena Lucas on October 18, 2009

When I see my pregnant friends, I almost always tell them they look great. Because I honestly think they do. Pregnancy makes women glow. People who tell you you look big just aren’t paying attention…and apparently can’t think of anything better to say than the obvious.

by Tara on October 18, 2009

tell her that she’s huge.
that’s what I did.

anytime someone grabbed my belly and said “oh my god!” or “you’re getting so big” I did the exact same thing to them. Even strangers. Even the guy who rung me up at Target every Saturday morning for nine months because I went to Target every Saturday morning for nine months.

by Lora on October 19, 2009

Love your blog and your frank sense of humour. I just linked you at Holli’s Ramblings, so I can share your wit with others!!

Cheers
Holli in Ghana

by Holli on October 26, 2009

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I Used to Read.

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October 13, 2009

You can tell when a person reads a lot of books. You can tell from their vocabulary and the way they form a sentence.

You can tell by the way they watch a skirt or a patch of tall grass blowing in the wind. If you watch them closely, you can see them creating a narrative right behind their eyes.

People that read carry around a tiny notebook to scribble down observant thoughts, like, Girls with tight sweaters giggle too much, and always at the wrong times.

I used to read.

I used to write ordinary things in a notebook.

Now?

Now, I read catalogs. I’m not even refined enough to read magazines.

And when I do pick up the occasional magazine. I don’t read the articles. I find them too time consuming, and not very effective at holding my attention.

On a whole, I’ve stopped reading. Just stopped. My mind has become dumb.

I suppose I should remedy the situation and pick up a book. Maybe something classic, or post-modern.

But then again the mail just came and there’s a new Anthropologie catalog waiting for me not to read it.

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1 Comment:

yeah. me too

by lora on October 13, 2009

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I Have a Sea Creature Growing Inside Me

5 Comments

October 12, 2009

My Bradley Instructor told us it was important to figure out where our baby is inside our bodies.

Whooa, Beckey, back the frick up, what the hell is a Bradley instructor?

Um, it’s a lady who teaches us how to birth a baby naturally using the Bradley method. We learn about coping with pain and we learn fancy and advanced kegel exercises. Jealous?

Anyways, she said it would be a good idea if we knew where our baby’s head was and then we could figure out what body part was poking us in the rib. I grabbed my pen and drew a quick depiction of what my baby feels like inside of me:

my baby

Then, I raised my hand and said, “but what if my baby looks like this, and doesn’t have a head, but instead has 7 tentacles and a pair of claspers like a hammer head shark? And I’m pretty sure this kid has a tail like one of those giant iguanas that weird guys with long hair have in an aquarium next to their Van Halen poster and bass guitar. And wings, but not sissy wings like a pretty butterfly, but big meaty-dinosaur wings like a frickin pterodactyl? What should I expect during delivery? Those claspers are going to hurt coming out. And what if the claspers grab something on the way down? Like a couple feet of intestines? Or one of my ovaries? I’m scared.”

Then my instructor said, “I’m pretty sure your baby looks like a normal human baby. You have nothing to worry about.”

I said, “Pretty sure? You’re only pretty sure? That’s not enough reassurance, what about that tail? What if the tail whaps me unconscious after he’s born?”

Then she said, “why don’t you tell me what you thought Berlyn felt like when you were pregnant with her?”

“Berlyn felt like a llama with 8 hooves, and a really big nose, and I was almost positive she had an adult hand with press on nails coming out of her stomach.”

Then my instructor said, “You’ll be fine Beckey. Besides, claspers don’t usually grab anything coming out.”

5 Comments:

isn’t there only about a 1.2% chance that a baby will be born with a tail? I think you’ll be fine but then again, you aren’t having drugs. Are you crazy?:)

by gorillabuns on October 12, 2009

He is gonna be the cutest Sea Creature ever!

by Dena Lucas on October 13, 2009

your illustration looks like a cross between a pterodactyl and a stegosaurus; it’s dino-riffic! although i can’t imagine what it would be like to birth such a magnificent creature. i’ll hope, for your sake, that it’s merely a normal human baby.

funny stuff.

by Francine on October 13, 2009

You have a sea creature growing inside you? I would expect nothing less.

by dgm on October 14, 2009

Reading these out loud to my wife as we reminisce about our natural birthing experience. Our son felt like a 4 armed gorilla with a hockey mask, skates and a stick. Thank God that he was only a 3 armed guerilla w/ roller blades and a bakers pin. I don’t think the claspers will get you.

p.s. According to the weekly emails, the tail should have resorbed last month.

by JB Smrekar on October 17, 2009

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Happy Birthday To MEEEE!

8 Comments

October 8, 2009

beckeyside

It’s my birthday people.

No, no, don’t worry about it. You can always send your gifts late. I don’t mind.

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Toady I have every intention of doing some major shoe shopping at Fred Segal.

cupcakes

Perhaps eat a few of these guys.

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Spend time with my adorable family.

kissing

Maybe do a little of this…

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And find a place to hang this in my home.

It’s going to be a good day.

8 Comments:

Happy Birthday!!

by Kgroovy on October 8, 2009

If I really knew you I’d totally call you up and sing you happy birthday, but a blog comment will have to do. HAPPY BIRTHDAY! Hope you have a wonderful day 🙂

by Bellacantare on October 8, 2009

Happy DAY Beckey! Hope you get to do all those fun things and more!! Fun to be together yesterday. Looking forward to seeing you later this month!

by Taylore :) on October 8, 2009

Happy birthday! I’m going home this weekend, so maybe I’ll bring you back a cool present from Texas. Perhaps an armadillo?

by amanda on October 8, 2009

Happy Birthday! You are pretty.

by Suz Broughton on October 8, 2009

I’ll bet Pat is happy you are final legal. He’s probably tired of people asking if you are his daughter.

I’m still looking around for the perfect gift for you, so mine will have to be late this year.

Oh! Happy Birthday, Beckey!

by dgm on October 10, 2009

Hope it was a great birthday. here’s to a great year! 🙂

by Debbie, Peace Love & Momminess on October 11, 2009

happy happy day!
I NEVER miss birthdays but I’m always falling behind on blogs. For that, I am truly sorry.

I hope your bday week is smashing.

by Lora on October 13, 2009

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Moving is fun!

6 Comments

October 5, 2009

I’ve finally found my computer power cable in box with 13 spatulas and last year’s copies of Real Simple. So that means, YAY I can blog again. But this time it’s better, because I’m in my new home, but shoot, because now I have a fresh view of all the things I still have to do, like organize stuff, and figure out what the crap to do with a set of fancy crystal salt and pepper shakers. Any takers?

We ripped up the tile floors, and when I say ‘we’ I mean my husband. And I’m pretty sure he had a lot of fun doing it, Wheew-iee! That looks like a good time, am I right Pat?

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(No, we did not keep the compass that does not point North, however we did preserve it, and we are considering using it as a fancy wall art instillation)

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Perhaps we should hang it above the mantle?

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Here’s what we replaced the tile with, even though my husband would have been fine with concrete.

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Here’s a mountian of stuff staring at me. It’s scary, right?

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Believe it or not this room has not been unpacked, but I have a feeling it will always look like this.

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So if i don’t answer the phone it’s not because I don’t like you, it’s because I’m buried under an avalanche of half open boxes, and you should call an ambulance, because my toaster over could have killed me, because toaster ovens are totally capable of killing people,  but make sure the ambulance boys are hot, because I’m not about to be resuscitated by a bunch of un-hot EMT guys.

6 Comments:

I got a horrible twitch just reading this…like the kind I suffer from whenever we move. I can not possibly express enough how much I loathe moving.

BTW, love the new flooring!

by Audrey at Barking Mad on October 5, 2009

Such pretty floors! I can’t wait to see it.

by Dena Lucas on October 5, 2009

Congratulations! Nice work being pregnant so Pat can do all the hard labor. You’re a wily one!

Those floors are beautiful, and exactly what I want to replace our carpeted areas. Is Pat available?

by dgm on October 6, 2009

Just the site of all those boxes is giving me ajada for my impending move. Stop it.

by Yellaphant on October 7, 2009

L-O-V-E the dark wood floors.

by Bellacantare on October 8, 2009

Your floors are sooo pretty! I want floors like that.

by melinda on October 11, 2009

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