Extra Special


September 22, 2009

You know what would make today really extra special?

Well, come to think of it there are a few things that would make today extra special, one would be eating an entire carton of these bad boys:


Another would be if a giant stuffed badger knocked on my door and gave me a hug. Because who can’t use a hug from a giant stuffed badger?

And thirdly, and most importantly is If we owned a house at the end of today.

It’s really not asking much, because our escrow was supposed to close three days ago. And all this anticipation, signing stuff, and moving around the painters, hardwood installers, and professional cleaners my husband is loosing his brain, it’s actually leaking out of his head. We can’t have that. Oh and his hair is falling out in clumps, and we really can’t have that because my high school reunion is coming up and since I look like total crap, my hot husband is all I have to show off.



What am I doing while my husband looses parts of his brain and clumps of hair?

Besides eating Pinwheels and getting snugly hugs from badgers?

I’m dancing around naked trying to cheer him up, of corse, like the wonderful wife I am. I’m doing that and dreaming about rainbows and sprinkle frosting, because really, I’m not cut out for comprehending loan documents. My reading level is about the same as a 3rd grader, and that’s just fantastic because there were some really good books in the third grade, like The Babysitters’ Club series and anything from Judy Bloom.

So here’s a thought: Why don’t the loan document people write their contracts with scenarios where Kristy and Dawn are late on their payments because babysitting is slow this time of year, and they end up with a foreclosure and then they trash the place with all their babysitter friends and they all get drunk and strung out and end up pregnant. That would make waaay more sense to me than all that legal jargon, and it essentially means the same thing–don’t be late on your payments, or you could wind up with a bad hangover, homeless, and knocked up.


How can one argue against logic like this?

by Mike Krause on September 22, 2009

Brilliant post I say, Simply Brilliant!

by Kathy on September 22, 2009

If only the loan document people started using your Kristy and Dawn scenario a decade ago, we would not be facing an international economic meltdown of unprecedented proportion. Too little, too late, Beckey Brumfield. Thanks for nothin’.

by dgm on September 22, 2009

Love the post, though I’m a bit worried about the image of a large stuffed badger. I live in Wisconsin so I get to see Bucky Badger regularly. It could actually happen to me.

Best of luck with the house closing!

by Zen Mama on September 23, 2009

Long time no chat….my baby girl started preschool (2 days a week), did yours? Let’s have a playdate soon. saying prayers that your escrow closes…..we were set to close on THE Sept. 11th, and Ill just say, that when the banks close down, escrows dont go through…it was a mess. Hopefully yours will end smoothly, soon! XOXO

by Heart Shaped Hedges on September 26, 2009

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Zombies Kill Bunnies.


September 16, 2009

I’m a zombie today

Not like a real zombie. Although that would be awesome. I’d wander around sucking people’s blood, eating cantaloupe, and running over bunnies with my car.


What exactly do zombies do?

If my fourth grade teacher, Mrs. South let me do my state report on zombies instead of Michigan I’d be so much more capable of explaining what a zombie does. So for now they eat cantaloupe and run over bunnies.

So what was my point?

Right, I’m a zombie today because I got zero sleep last night, because of Berlyn. I think she just has my best interests at hand and is trying to remind me of how little sleep I will get when her baby brother comes. But news flash, Berlyn, I don’t need to be reminded. I was there. And right now I need 10 plus hours of sleep a day, and don’t judge me because you get like 14.

Before I went to bed last night I checked on Berlyn and noticed that she felt warm. I took her temperature, and sure enough she had a fever.

After I found out about her fever I was physically incapable of falling asleep. Every hour I’d get up and wander into her room to check on her, because in those times when I was trying to fall asleep I was envisioning her going into shock or convolutions because of her fever. Or what if she stopped breathing, or what if I couldn’t hear her through the monitor and she really, really needed me?

You see? I’m crazy, and It’s kind of my fault, not hers that I didn’t get any sleep.

At 2:30 this morning I checked on her again, and this time she woke up. I figured this was a good opportunity to give her some Tylenol and try to cool her off. But all she wanted to do was play with her toys and the dog, and go see her daddy. The whole house was wide awake for an hour, and she was confused about why the sun wasn’t out. I had to keep reminding her that she was sick and needed to sleep, which in turn meant mamma could sleep, which ultimately meant no bunnies have to die.

After that episode I tried to go back to bed, but again every hour, I was up checking on my child like some paranoid freaky mother.

Today she still has a fever and it’s pretty dang high, I mean if I had a fever that high I’d probably be in the E.R. But she’s all, ‘oh, this fever, it’s no big thing mom. I got this. Now hand me my blocks and help me build a castle, bitch.’

Okay so she didn’t call me a bitch, but how funny would that be?

I don’t get it. How could a very sick child act like nothing is wrong?

Is she faking a fever? Is that even possible?

I think the only logical explanation is that she’s a zombie.


After your last Q&A post, I can only imagine what kind of hits you are going to get with this post.

Hopefully nothing kinky with cantaloupes!

by Kathy on September 16, 2009

Funny stuff.. now go help with the castle bitch lol

by Erika Wilder on September 16, 2009

First of all Miss Smartypants, what can you tell us about Michigan? Mmmhmmmm, thought so–about as much as you can tell us if you had written a report on zombies instead.

Second of all, fever plus a kid who still wants to play means that she is not likely to die because of it, and that her little zombie body is just doing its job. So you can go back to bed.

Second and a half, some kids just get high fevers; you only have to really worry about seizures when there is a rapid change in temperature (rather than an absolute high temperature. Unless it’s, like, 166 degrees or more).

Third, if you saw “Ferris Bueller’s Day Off,” you know that when a child successfully fakes a fever it’s because his mother is really stupid. I don’t think Berlyn can pull the wool over your bright eyes. (Yet.)

by dgm on September 16, 2009

all you need to know about Michigan is that it’s split in two, cars are made there, and it’s the one that looks like a mitten.

all you need to know about zombies is stay away and it sucks to be one.

I hope the fever breaks soon, I’m a mess when my kid has one

by Lora on September 17, 2009

… I saw the title and thought … she must be playing Killer Bunnies – haha

by kristy - wheres my damn answer on September 24, 2009

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We’re Buying a Home.


September 9, 2009

So I have some ‘splainin to do. I posted a photo of us buying a house, and talked about us buying a house, but I didn’t actually tell you people that we are buying a house.

Gosh, I can be so inconsiderate at times, and I can also be really gassy at times too, but that’s nether here nor there.

We bought a home. It’s not in Washington or Oregon, it’s in California. Orange County to be exact.

And not only is it in Orange County, but it’s in a very Orange County part of Orange County, where the ladies all get lots of botox and carry around their wine glasses while trying to corral their kids after the street lights go out. And the men get lap dances at Korean lounges, and receive unmarked packages in the mail. And I think there’s this underground swingers movement in my new neighborhood too. But I’m sure that makes it pretty comparable to every other neighborhood in America.

And to that I raise my boxed white Zinfandel and say, God bless the U.S.A.

So far I’ve met about 6 of my neighbors and they’ve been all so dang sweet. Like run inside and bake me a pie that very minute, sweet. To which I would have declined, because I’m watching my girlish figure, and I hate to put anyone out, naturally. Unless they wanted to make me a lemon meringue or a apple crumble, in that case, I’m totally okay with putting someone out.

We have less than two weeks to close escrow, and I’m fairly certain in that within those two weeks, I will acquire 12 more nosebleeds, and faint approximately 3 times. Because HOLY SHIT PEOPLE! Buying a house is a really big deal. And it makes me feel like I’m finally an adult. Like now, I can finally buy condoms without giggling, or decline a fancy dinner with friends on account of my mortgage payment, or talk about health insurance, or wear slacks. Adults always wear slacks.


I have been a homeowner for five years, and due to a bc pill mixup last month, I had to buy a box of condoms. I’m 33. Married. Shouldn’t be such a big deal right?


I had coworkers who happened to be there at the same time and who asked me if I had a new man, or if my man was running around on me.

Then my credit card wouldn’t register with the computer. So a manager came over. And asked me if I like the “For Her Pleasure” kind of condoms because she wanted to give them a try.

Then I ended up at the self check out bc the other register just wasn’t working. And I screwed that up so the self check out monitor came over and gave me the old looksie while raising his eyebrows at me when he put the condoms in the bag.

It was horrifying. And hilarious. And I giggled the whole time.

by Lora on September 9, 2009

Congrats! I have two homes (one is a rental) and the whole process of buying them is soooo stressful. the second time around wasn’t better either. congrats for making it through so far!

by Kgroovy on September 9, 2009

So…when are we planning our investigative night out at Infusion??? 🙂

by Julie Snell on September 11, 2009

You’re not really gonna do all that stuff are you? No. No, you’re not. Are you?
Congrats on your new home!

by Suz Broughton on September 12, 2009

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I Bought Something Yesterday.


September 3, 2009

I was at Target and I bought…

fake boobs.

I didn’t know Target sold fake boobs, but there they were right next to the cotton briefs and tube socks. And somehow they ended up in my cart, right next to the bottle of Kaboom! and Oreos.

Fake boobs.

In my cart.

I was thrilled. I couldn’t wait to get home and stick them on. I mean, hello? who couldn’t use a pair of fake boobs. Even thought I am well endowed thanks to pregnancy, I could always use a bit of umph, I mean, I’m not stupid, and I’d never turn down a bit of umph. Nope. Never.

They look like boneless, skinless chicken breasts, which is probably why the peoples call them ‘cutlets’. And they stick. Like a big fake boobie sticker.

And I stuck those boneless, skinless bad boys to my chest, and then proceeded to squeeze them, because, COME ON!

Berlyn was intrigued.

My husband was confused.

And I kept dancing around the house squeezing my fake boobies. And you’re welcome for the mental image.

Here’s the drawback:

After an entire day of wearing my cutlets, immature boob fondling on my behalf, and flashing my friend Jenielle, whom I’m positive was appreciative, I finally peeled off my fake Target boobies, and then was bowled over with the smell. Like OMG I smell like a tree-living hippie who swears off deodorant or showering because it would interfere with their natural odor. Side note: natural odor, my friends? Smells. Bad. Even on me, a tiny, adorable non-sweaty girly girl.

I was stinky.

So word to the wise, if you’re going to buy fake boobies at Target make sure you’re not going to have the sexy-time right after you peel those stinkers off. Dip your boobies in a basin of soapy water and then proceed. Please.

Your man will thank me.


see, this is the valuable information one doesn’t get from other blogs…

(i’ve been very non-bloggy, so belated congratulations on the baby-to-be!)

by kristin on September 3, 2009

good to know.

but not to rub it in your face (er breasts) but my cup overfloweth far too much so i’m thinking me and the cutlets will never have a reason to meet. which is good cause I stink enough as it is.

by ashley on September 3, 2009

hahhah … LOVE the mental image.

by kristy - wheres my damn answer on September 3, 2009

I hope you’re not offended that I find the mental image of Pat’s reaction more amusing than you touching your fake boobs.

by amanda on September 3, 2009

Good to know, good to know.
I still amazed you found fake boobs at Target. I told my husband they have everything there and now this is proof.

by Cara on September 4, 2009

I don’t know what to say other than this, my adoration of you grows with each post 🙂

by Suz Broughton on September 5, 2009

Why the hell do you need fake boobs? I thought that was why you got yourself knocked up again.

by dgm on September 6, 2009

[…] extra business down my bra. And I was moments away from my doctor feeling me up and discovering my Target boobies. I took a deep breath in and averted my […]

by Magazines and Boobs | Hippo Brigade on December 2, 2011

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