I Don’t Like Kids

15 Comments

June 24, 2009

It’s not a lie. I wish I was lying, but nope…100% true. It’s not babies so much as it is the over 5 set. Especially the really whiney ones, and the know-it-alls. Ohh, speaking of know-it-alls,  the other day, for Father’s Day we went to a roller hockey rink to play hockey with my dad, brother, this chick, and some other friends (Note: I did NOT play hockey and neither did Berlyn). 

This little girl found her way to our rink and decided to play with us. Without asking, just started to play. And she wasn’t even nice. I’d be all sorts of down with some kid that wanted to play who was nice, but no. Not nice. Actually, she was kind of an asshole. 

Here’s the conversation we had on the bench, as she was putting her skates on:

Her: Oh, your baby is cute. And she has a Juicy sweatshirt on. I have a Juicy sweatshirt too, except mine’s at home 

Me: cool. 

Her: Yeah. Oh! and MY dad plays hockey too. He’s better than your dad. I bet if they played together your dad would fall a lot, and my dad would win.

Me: That’s probably true, although it doesn’t change the fact that your dad can suck it. 

Her: What?

Me: Oh, nothing. (To Berlyn) Look! An airplane! It’s a really old airplane. How cool is that Berlyn?

(I think there was an air show near by, we were in the Inland Empire, and they love their air shows out there, almost as much as they love NASCAR and Coors Light.)

Her: Oh, that’s cool. I know someone who has  an airplane like that

Me: Really? You actually know someone that has an airplane like that?

Her: Yeah. Oh, your daughter’s eating rasins. Those are good, I have like 56 of those boxes at home. 

Me: Neat. 

True story. That was the exact conversation we had. See? Asshole right? And what am I supposed to say to a kid like that? I got nothing. I just have to nod, and feel really sorry for the people that will encounter her for the rest of her life. Because we all know that she’ll grow up and be just like this: 

 

So when I say I don’t like kids, I’m referring to the assholes. Not your kids, I love each and everyone of your kids. Except the shitty ones.

15 Comments:

And to project a little . . . it’s the same asshole kids that grow up to be those asshole neighbors, co-workers, supervisors and even US Congressmen and women. Oh, the humanity!

by North County Mike on June 24, 2009

Ugh, that girl WAS an asshole. She appeared out of nowhere, started making fun of Jason, and then started bossing me around! It’s totally cool that she was giving Jason a hard time, but telling me what to do? That turkey ain’t gonna fly!

by amanda on June 24, 2009

Once again, laughing out loud as I read!

by Sara on June 24, 2009

I’ve never seen that sketch before. HILARIOUS!! serious one-upper! haha

by Kgroovy on June 24, 2009

Okay. I am offended. My kid is exactly like that. He (not she) is an asshole.

Just kidding. I’m not offended, but my kid is exactly like that if not worse. I mostly just ignore him and tell him to quit with the exaggerating already. And then I mutter asshole under my breath.

by ashley on June 24, 2009

HAHA
that kid totally reminded me of penelope right away!!
and you’re right about the I.E.
there are airshows for anything …
and nascar/coors light i can’t explain.
i wouldn’t like a kid like that either!!

by Elisha on June 24, 2009

As a former asshole myself, I find it helps to call kids out on their behavior. Sometimes they don’t realize they’re doing it. So next time just shout, “Hey, quit being an asshole!” That should take care of the problem.

by dgm on June 25, 2009

Ew. Not only are kids above the age of five assholes, but they’re usually gross too. Just, ew.

by Bridget on June 25, 2009

i hate kids.
not mine, and certainly not yours, but the rest of them can go to hell.

by Lora on June 25, 2009

I like kids up till about the age of 14. Then, not again till 25. I realize adolescence is a difficult time, but I already did mine (twice if you count my daughter’s) and I’m not interested in signing up again!

by Jeanne on June 26, 2009

Other people’s kids are super annoying. Like their fucking parents.

by Marinka on June 26, 2009

i’ve been known to tell a strange kid to “shut it.” well, weekly.

by gorillabuns on June 27, 2009

i like smart non assholey kids.
like the kid who came to find his mom at the sauna in our hotel and then invited me to the vip lounge on the 15th floor for cocktails and appetizers. he was six. i think he wouldv’e invited me to spend the night if his mother didn’t hush him.

by marcyg on July 7, 2009

that was hilarious! i mean i was dying laughing out loud. i bet that little girl will end up like her!

by Kirsten on July 27, 2009

found your blog from emmy, and yes, you are hilarious!!! not offended, just have to point this out …

the “IE” still has air shows because we still have an air force base out here … i live 1 mile from it and my boys get to see all kinds of flying magic everyday … the OC used to have air shows too when el toro was an active base … now it probably will have a super sized nordstrom soon …

but yes, the “IE” LOVES coors … but you forgot a couple other things … big trucks and all kinds of toys they couldn’t afford, hence the high rate of foreclosures … me, being an OC transplant … never bought the toys, drive a prius and i brew my own beer … he hee …

by lisa on March 7, 2011

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San Frickin’ Fran

5 Comments

June 22, 2009

I was gone for a week! I’m so sorry I left you for so long, but I’m back now and ready to fill your brains with sugary sweet nonsense. 

While I was gone, I was in San Francisco. 

I had so much fun, in fact, that I might just have to pack up my ceramic roosters and bowling trophies and move up there. 

Here’s some stuff we did:

We drank coffee at the Blue Bottle Cafe

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We found a cute orange chair on Mint Street

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We shopped at the Ferry Building

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We found the best view in the city

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We were glad to be going down the stairs

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We ate cupcakes

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We did NOT eat at the Squat and Gobble, because…let’s be honest, the name does not evoke classy cuisine. And I’m all about the class. 

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Rhea kissed an electrical box in the Castro, and may or may not have contracted a communicable disease. 

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We had ice cream at Bi-Rite 

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It was amazing

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I had some girl-time with Rhea

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and we bought a house!!

Only kidding.

5 Comments:

That ice cream place looks delish!! What flavor did you get??

by Kgroovy on June 22, 2009

i wish i could click on the pictures and make them larger….i believe that is one of your web-designing husband’s web design pet-peeves…..just sayin

by greg on June 22, 2009

Looks like you had a great time. Man, I so wish I was somewhere where it’s not so damn hot!

by gorillabuns on June 22, 2009

Kgroovy, I got the salted caramel with the brown sugar. Yummylishious.
Greg, that would be a nice feature, I’ll ask the designer about that
Gorillabuns, Yeah, san fran was the opposite of hot. I was freezing at times. So odd for california coast in the summer

by beckey on June 22, 2009

Gaaaaah I want to go to San Francisco sooooo badly. And you guys are adorable, btdubs. Just freaking adorable.

by Bridget on June 24, 2009

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I don’t get out much.

9 Comments

June 11, 2009

 

Vacations are expensive, Berlyn makes going places harder to plan, and I have that pesky fear of flying. So, the remedy is to sit on my couch and watch the travel channel. I pretend I’m in the South of France in a countryside pasture watching the cows graze while I’m wearing a kicky beret and eating a giant piece of French-cow cheese. It’s all very romantic, and it’s been working fine for the past few months. But now I’m getting restless, and I need to go somewhere where the couch isn’t stained with anal juice and salty cracker finger prints. 

And so we’re off on our Second Annual San Francisco trip with our amazing friends the Mattsons. 

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It’s no French Countryside, but I’ll take it. 

Last year I focused on shopping and all things fancy and beautiful. We would spend most of our afternoons window shopping and while that was all well and good, I think this time I want to our sole focus on all things FOOD. 

 

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And while I won’t be doing much of this…

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I’ll make up for it by doing plenty of this.

So do you have any good food sugestions for San Francisco? Oh please don’t hold out on me, I’m a pregnant woman who needs to EAT!!

9 Comments:

There’s an awesome Mexican Restaurant on Haight and Ashbury. It’s in the midst off all of the shops and it’s bright orange! Haha I don’t know what the name is, but it’s amazing.

And if you’re looking for authentically amazing Italian, check out
Firenze by Night Ristorante, it’s at 1429 Stockton St. The vegetable lasagna is to die for!

by Amy on June 11, 2009

If you are craving a good burger – go to Barneys. There are two of them in the city and oh, they are good burgers. I’d also give thumbs up for Firenze – the gnocchi are great.

by Dara on June 11, 2009

I don’t have any suggestions but I wanted to tell you that your hair is awesome.

by Miss Yvonne on June 11, 2009

Have so much fun my friend!

by Dena Lucas on June 11, 2009

Ok girl… I talked to my friend that lives in San Fran and here is her take:

Front Porch in the Mission- FINALLY just went. SOOOO good. Southern food. Get the Okra for an app, Fried Chicken and Brussel sprouts were amazing. It’s in this old Victorian house, funky, with a front porch and rocking chairs. They make great specialty drinks.
Bearded Papa- AWESOME cream puffs in Union Square Area
Slanted Door- at the Embarcadero GREAT Asian Fusion food
Kara’s Cupcakes- Ghiradelli Square
OMG- Bi-Rite (in the Mission at 16th and Dolores) probably the BEST ice cream I’ve ever had in my LIFE. I get the Roasted Banana and Salted Caramel together. They have the COOLEST, most yummy flavors. And if they want to do something cool, Bi-Rite has an awesome market one block away where you can get AMAZING specialty sandwiches (I recommend the Fidel), chips,drinks, fruit, stinky cheese, etc. and then walk back over to Dolores Park and have a picnic. It’s the best park in the city to people watch, I think! I love it. It reminds me of Europe on a hot summer night, EVERYONE comes out.
Luna Park- in the Mission
Monk’s Kettle- in the Mission, so many beers on tap
Le Zinc- this cute, SUPER GOOD restaurant in Noe Valley, about 2 blocks from my place actually.
Nopa is supposed to be amazing.
Asia de Cuba- in the Clift hotel, supposed to be awesome and the bar- the Redwood Room, is super trendy/pretty
Foreign Cinema- in the Mission, cool atmosphere
Delfina- Italian in the Mission

(I’m obviously partial to the Mission/places in my general area and neighborhood, and it’s the most up and coming area for restaurants and affordable fare, but she can also look up restaurants by area on Yelp and read reviews).

SF is the mini NYC, basically.

I know that was a lot… but looks like some great choices. Hope it helps and that you have a great and yummy time!

by Wendy Wilson on June 12, 2009

As if that was not enough info… here’s a few more 🙂

Oh sorry- Breakfast- Mama’s in Northbeach (the Italian area) is supposed to be awesome, haven’t made it yet. Gets SUPER crowded so go early. Chloe’s for breakfast in Noe Valley- amazing cooked with TLC.

OMG- wait NO!!!! I FORGOT THE BEST RESTAURANT EVER. This one is a MUST!!!! Burma Superstar. It’s in the Richmond and you have to go early, right when they open at 5pm. Like go at 4:45pm and line up. Because once people get sat, you have to wait for the second round so you’ll wait awhile. Get the tea leaf salad, the samosa (I think?) soup, and the coconut rice for sure. Basically everything they make is A-freakin-MAZING. Omg I’m so hungry after typing all of this. Time for dinner. Ha. 🙂

by Wendy Wilson on June 12, 2009

Go Vegan:)
Millennium

by Jodie on June 14, 2009

Wow, Jodie has so many great suggestions and I’m kinda late to the game, but I do claim this town as my own, so let me see if I can come up with some options for you. Not sure how long you’re here…if you’re already gone, I suppose you can save this comment for next time.

North Beach – Pinnochio’s, Mona Lisa, or Bocce for Italian. Steps of Rome if you want to get hit on by imbiguous Italian waiters, not for the food.
Marina – Beetlenut (sushi) (WAIT, you probably can’t have raw fish. I Fail. Mental note for next non-pregnant time), Rose’s Cafe (bistro, super cute)
Ferry Bldg/Embarcadero Area – Perbacco (Italian/fancyish – across the street from my office…I could join you, but we’re totally blog strangers), Kokkari (meditteraean. Best. Lamb. Ever. Everything else frickin’ fantastic as well. Try the “flaming cheese.”), One Market (haven’t been, but all my bosses go there)
Sunset – Park Chow (Comfort Food; LOVE)

Non-food related: Go to the academy of sciences in Golden Gate Park if you have time. Best day I’ve ever had just wandering around and exploring the exhibits and animals and the FOUR-STORY RAIN FOREST. That’s right. A rain forest. Inside. But don’t worry, the monkeys are fake. And I don’t even like science. Enjoy the planetarium exhibit mid-day for a nice, dark, cool, seated rest. I swear, that wasn’t me napping in the back.

You should have my email info from this post – feel free to contact me if you want more suggestions. I’m a wealth of info on this fine, where-the-hell-is-the-sun, city.

by Bellacantare on June 16, 2009

oh yeah; desserts: While Kara’s is a great cupcake place; for the best italian cookies, eclairs and cream puffs (plus coffee, lattes, etc), definitely go by Stella’s on Columbus (@ Union St) in North Beach. It’s right next to the Wells Fargo. Small, so you might have to get your goodies to go, but it’s so worth it. I used to pass it every day on my way home. So much for walking for exercise. 🙂

by Bellacantare on June 16, 2009

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My dog has a stinky hole.

9 Comments

June 8, 2009

zoeyglasses

She periodically releases her anal glands and the fish oil smell mixed with butt permeates every crevice of my home.

Oh, you don’t know what anal glands are? Let me explain,they’re these internal sacs on either side of her rectum that collect poo juice right before she lays a stinky dump. It’s the stuff that helps dogs identify each other. And apparently they release when they are stressed, or overly excited, or in my dog’s case, while taking a non-stressful, and non-exciting nap.

She most recently ‘released’ on my couch.

On MY couch. In the corner where I find myself most often while watching So You Think You Can Dance, while eating raspberry jelly chocolate sticks from Trader Joe’s.

Only I can’t get comfortable in my spot, and eat my raspberry jelly sticks, and watch my favorite dancing show anymore because my bichon decided to dribble her poo sauce all over MY SPOT!

I threw the spray nozzle of the Febreze across the room and just poured the whole bottle all over my couch.

Still smells.

Only now, it smells like a field of dandelions covered in dog poop.

Then I vacuumed.

Still smells.

I sprayed with stain remover and steam cleaned the cushions.

I steam cleaned my couch cushions, people!!

Still smells.

I removed the cushion covers and threw them into the washing machine.

Still smells.

I think there’s only one thing left to do.

Vacuum, steam clean, and Febreze my dog’s asshole.

9 Comments:

I think your dog needs an analglandectomy. That way she can go around committing hijinks on other dogs and not getting called out for it. Think of it as removing a burglar’s fingerprints. Totally win-win.

by dgm on June 8, 2009

Oh, I SO FEEL YOUR PAIN. I have Boston Terriers and there asshole is no picnic either. My vet told me he would show me how to do the whole anal gland thing myself and I not very politely declined.

by ShellyD on June 8, 2009

Poor Zozo.

by Dena Lucas on June 10, 2009

I am a cat person, which means I’ve never had a dog. Thanks to the wonderful world of blogs I’m reading about canine anal glands on a weekly basis. Who knew? But now I’m wondering if cats have them, too? And men who drink too much beer?

by MomZombie on June 15, 2009

Hysterical.

I had a dog who had internal anal glands that had to be expressed. Not by me. A groomer person who charged $20, even though I would have paid a million.

by Marinka on June 26, 2009

I HATE the dog fish smell!!! My dog does it too. If you ever figure out how the hell to get that disgusting smell out of stuff I would love to know!!!

by Casey on July 16, 2009

It’s midnight and my boyfriend and I are currently dealing with this issue. Thanks for sharing youre story.

by Jamie on September 26, 2009

[…] anus would later give us much grievance, but in the beginning it was love at first […]

by Hippo Brigade » 6th year of marriage on March 9, 2011

You are hilarious. I have noticed this awful stench coming from my 10 year old dog’s rear this month. She has always been such a clean girl. Thankfully, I have leather sofas so they are easy to clean! I am going to have her butt shaved to remove any residue on hair follicles in that area but I’m guessing she needs to have the anal glands expressed plus a change of diet to grain free hard food instead of this soft food I’ve been feeding her.

by Egypt on March 9, 2012

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My New Neighbors

8 Comments

June 4, 2009

For about 6 months the home that shares a wall with us was vacant. And before it was vacant, there was this very quiet hispanic family that lived there. I think it was a family of five, and I’m pretty sure they walked around with carne asada in their mouths all the time, because seriously, not a peep. Oh, and there was this crazy uncle that lived there and he worked at the Marriott down the road, and he loved my pug, and one day I saw his very long pinky nail, it was painted light blue…with sparkles. I don’t know if that meant he was gay or a druggie, or both. But after that I started to wink at him. It was my saucy way of communicating, ‘I know about your blue nail,’ but then he got the wrong idea and he asked me out on a date. But I said no, because I’m not into guys with a blue sparkle nail who work at the Marriott, and then they moved. I think I made them move. 

But anyway this nice enough couple with their year old baby girl just moved in. And I was all, YEA! Another chance to work on my winking, so it is not to be misconstrued as a sexual innuendo. Plus maybe I’ll be besties with the wife, and we’ll do the things that stay at home moms do, like swap casserole recipes, and talk about how awesome Berlyn is. 

And just as I was imagining what color we’d paint our toenails at our tandem pedicure appointment, the BANGING started. And it went on for two weeks straight. OH, but they were nice enough to save their construction efforts for weekends and after work. So 10:30 at night I’d hear the nail gun shooting holes into their walls, and the air compressor for their paint gun thing, and their shitty Creed CD that they played over and over and over, and I think I’m just jealous because they scraped the cottage cheese off their ceilings, and my cottage cheese still hangs, taunting me with its dangly cobwebs and sallow color.   

So now they blew it. I’m not going to be besties with the wife next door, because she likes Creed, and has no common deciency, and how could I be friends with someone like that? Sure, I’ll be cordial, perhaps copy a few pages out of Emily Post, and stick it in her mailbox The part where it’s not polite to do construction if you have an ajoing wall without first bringing your neighbors some delicious cake with sprinkle frosting, or offer to scrape their celings too. 

I wish my hispanic neighbors with the carne asada would move back in, I might even over look the blue sparkle nail.

8 Comments:

Yes, Creed is an automatic NO. Good luck. Try winking, maybe you’ll get them to move out too??

by Tracy on June 4, 2009

Creed? Ugh.
Construction at inappropriate times. Double ugh.

by ashley on June 4, 2009

You need to start some methodical banging against your shared wall…start all slow and build up to a frenzy and maybe throw in a few “Oh yes yesssss!!” in there. And then you can start winking at the wife and maybe do a quick boob honk on yourself.

That’ll show ’em…stupid renovators.

by Miss Yvonne on June 4, 2009

Creed at ANY hour of the day is always a bad sign!

And now I’m craving Mexican food, go figure.

by Auds at Barking Mad on June 4, 2009

I think you’re just playing hard-to-get, Beckey Brumfield.

by dgm on June 5, 2009

I hate Creed and all Creedlike bands. Like Nickleback. Nickleback can lick my left one.

I immediately cross people off my list if they listen to that weird whiney rock.

On the otherhand, I like sparkley pinkies and I do it often, but I’ve never done coke. I had a sparkley navy pinky last week, and I think I’ll do it again this weekend. I would have liked your blue friend.

by Lora on June 5, 2009

Ugh, I LIVE with people like that. HOW do they not understand that it’s NOT OK to start hammering nails into the wall to hang that new frame after 11pm at night? Or run the vacuum in the middle of the night because you’re on a cleaning kick. And that you shouldn’t be blaring your music? That just because you’re on the night shift doesn’t mean your adjacent neighbors or your dayshift roommate want to be on your schedule?? We’re frickin’ quiet for you when you’re sleeping in the middle of the day!

Sorry for the rant. You totally shouldn’t be friends with your new neighbors. What else will they be inconsiderate or obnoxiously unaware about?

by Bellacantare on June 5, 2009

Best blog to date. So funny…

by Melinda on June 9, 2009

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The Pickle

5 Comments

June 2, 2009

 

I used to like pickles when I was little. Except I only liked dill, especially the ones that came in a sack of pickle juice that you could get at the fair. Pickles and I were buds, we laughed at the same parts in movies, we danced together, and we even held hands when no one else was watching. But then one night I dreamt that a mammoth-sized pickle chased me in to a department store dressing room and made me try on all sorts of things, like a pair of coolots, and a silver track suit, and a bra, and then, as you could imagine, the pickle felt me up. I smacked it around a little bit to show it who’s boss, but then the pickle stuck me in a sack with pickle juice, and  carried me around the store with its fat, green pickle hands clutching me tight. Once we got outside I noticed the pickle was wearing a bonnet and lace-trimmed boots, although it was hard to tell if the boots were lace trimmed, because everything looked green and distorted because, hello, I was being held hostage in a stinky pickle bag. 

Then the pickle, wearing the bonnet and the speculated lace-trimmed boots took a giant bite out of me, and I died. 

After that horrifying dream, I’ve never looked at the pickle the same way. I have no respect for it, and when I see it cowering in my sandwich, between my cheese and meat, I pick it out carefully, using only my fingernails, and toss it against the wall, and curse the day that the pickle was born.

5 Comments:

What’s worse is that the pickle you throw against the wall is only a mere slice of the whole thing, so you never really get rid of the whole offender, and it regenerates the missing part, and it lives on forever just waiting to slice off a piece of itself and jump into another one of your sandwiches.

by dgm on June 2, 2009

I just have to stop and thank you for the entertainment you provide each night while I read your blog! I am truly thankful!

by Taylore :) on June 2, 2009

LOL What the hell? Were you on crack when you had that dream??

by Bellacantare on June 3, 2009

PIckles. How random. After reading this I suddenly recall a time years ago when a bunch of us from work went to TGIFridays for drinks. Somehow, after a few, someone threw pickle slices across the table. One landed square on our boss’s forehead. It stuck. Thank you for being so funny.

by MomZombie on June 4, 2009

You sound like my husband, mother-in-law, and step-daughter. They hate pickles. I don’t know if it’s genetic or dream-related. Interesting…
You know Freud would have a field day with that dream, right?

by 'cuz I'm the mommy, that's why on June 10, 2009

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A List of Crappy Things that I Don’t Like

12 Comments

June 1, 2009

But to make it a bit more fascinating I thought I’d write the post while standing on my head. Because since you can’t see me, that doesn’t really make it fascinating for anyone except myself and my dog, who is currently licking my nostrils. SO, to make it fascinating for you too, I’ve decided to write about each thing separately in the days to come. Oh, wow. It’s kinda like I’m giving you a giant mound of cotton candy for us to share while we ride the Ferris wheel together, huh?

On with the crap:

  • Pickles
  • Hangnails
  • The color cream
  • Squid
  • Kids
  • Dust
  • When other people cough or breathe loud
  • Fruit Stripe Gum
  • Pickles
  • My New Neighbors

Are there some things you don’t like?

12 Comments:

tomatoes, brussel sprouts, crappy windshield wipers, people who ask stupid questions (and YES there are such things as stupid questions), cauliflower, people who sniff their runny nose in church (or anywhere for that matter), and pickles – i HATE pickles!!

by allie on June 1, 2009

Overhead lighting

Crowds

When I post a giveaway, a great one I might add, and everyone ignores it.

by ashley on June 1, 2009

You must really hate pickles to list them twice. My husband hates them too, he gags if he accidentally eats one. It’s funny as hell.

by Miss Yvonne on June 1, 2009

Bitter melon, kids playing on their DSs in public, okra, capri pants, helicopter parents, some pictures of me in college when I totally had “beer face”, Hannah Montana.

I love pickles.

by dgm on June 1, 2009

Haters.

by sarah on June 1, 2009

Why all the animosity towards pickles? That makes me sad. I love pickles, think they’re fantastic in fact. On a similar note…have you tried Mezzetta deli-sliced mild pepper rings (aka: banana peppers)? They’re delicious on tuna fish & turkey sandwiches. Honestly, I’m not just making this stuff up.

by E to the J on June 1, 2009

I am curious to read the upcoming post on why you have Kids on the crappy things list, considering you are carrying baby Jesus 🙂

Oh – I LOVE me some pickles.

by Julie Snell on June 1, 2009

coughing. OMG. I have very few pet peeves but this is the worst. When other people cough, my aura is scrambled for at least seven hours.

by Lora on June 2, 2009

Goober Grape, that combo peanut butter and jelly stuff.

by Aaron on June 2, 2009

Crocs, fever blisters, when people are consistently flakey, gnats, the spelling of “gnat”

by andrea on June 2, 2009

-When you find gum in your purse but it’s covered in crumbs.
-Crumbs in your purse.
-Being at work now without a dust buster to get them out…crap.

peee essss.
I would say your background was the color cream.
😀

by Hayli on June 2, 2009

Is Fruit Stripe Gum the one with the zebra on the package? I sure hope not, because every time Jason and I are at the grocery store checkout, he points to it and says, “My sister loves that gum!”

by amanda on June 2, 2009

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