The Zoo

3 Comments

May 29, 2009

thezoo4

We went to the zoo. 

We saw some monkeys.

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We ate a hamburger.

We saw a lemur with man boobs.

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We fed some goats.

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We had a good day.

3 Comments:

Hooray for the zoo!

That lemur needs a bra.

by ashley on May 29, 2009

You’ll be besting that lemur in the boob department soon; so much so that he’ll probably throw poop at you. Don’t say I didn’t warn you.

I’m digging your Flashdance look and your husband’s jaunty hat. Such stylish zoo patrons, one and all.

by dgm on May 30, 2009

Loved this one, Beckey. That picture should be an album cover…or something. I love how Berlyn is picking up the hip factor from her parents – you can see it in the nonchalant she looks like she’s saying, “Oh, what? Yeah, I’m just at the zoo for the day. Oh, the sunglasses? Yeah, well, it’s sunny so I just threw these on. Don’t worry about it.”

by Michelle on May 31, 2009

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I’m so Gay

7 Comments

May 26, 2009

We had friends over this weekend and played a trivia game, I mean, we played beer pong and then turned up the Pandora Radio and started gyrating to re-mixed Moby songs, and then we went on the porch and smoked slender cigarettes while discussing philosophy. That’s a more accurate recount of what really happened, but for time’s sake, we’ll just say that we played a trivia game. And I got asked the question ‘what is the word Blog short for?’

“Um, Blog…Beckey’s Log?” 

“Come on Beckey, you have a blog and you don’t even know what ‘blog’ means? Your blogger friends will be so disappointed with you.”

“I don’t know,” I finally stammered. 

“What was that? We couldn’t hear you.”

“I DON’T KNOW!!” And then I ran upstairs to my bedroom, slammed my door, and cried on my bed.

I felt like such a poser. Such a fraud. And then I thought of a comment I received a few weeks ago. Someone anonymous wrote, “OMG, You’re so gay.”

I rose from my bed and victoriously reclaimed my seat at the table, because I knew I wasn’t a fraud or a poser. I wiped my tears dry with the back of my hand and proclaimed, ” I am a real blogger, because someone thinks I’m gay.”

I had my first mean comment and I was sure that that made me a real blogger. And I assume it was derogatory, because I don’t write much about things of the homosexual persuasion. 

So in conclusion, I may not know what ‘blog’ is short for, but I am legit because someone out there thinks I’m gay and cares enough to take time out of their busy highschool career, and stop texting for a minuite, and stop dry humping their pillow, and actually write it on my web-log. I feel so loved.

7 Comments:

“dry humping their pillow” LOL!! — Unpredictability. That’s what keeps me hooked.

by Mike Krause on May 26, 2009

I remember my first mean comment, it was a doozy. But it kind of made me feel accomplished like hey, someone actually took the time to call me stupid. Wow, I’ve hit the big time!

BTW you’re not gay unless you mean it in a happy silly sort of way. Which I’m guessing the commenter didn’t so they’re gay.

by ashley on May 26, 2009

there is nothing better than when someone hates you on the internet!
congratulations!!

i love Love LOVE getting hate mail/comments. It means people are paying attention and taking the time to care about what I have to say.

by lora on May 26, 2009

I’m not sure I’ve ever received a legitimately mean comment. Or maybe I have and deleted it and now I’m pretending it never happened.

In any event, “blog” is short for “weblog.” Am I gay for knowing that?

by dgm on May 26, 2009

**sniff*** you’re really a true blogger now **sniff** I’m so proud of you! I think you would be more gay to know what it meant–sorry dgm. Oh, maybe that will be dgm’s first mean comment! LOL! I’m totally kidding everyone (don’t leave me a mean comment, please)

by SUz Broughton on May 26, 2009

Yay! I got a mean comment on someone else’s blog AND I know what “blog” is short for. I have arrived!

by dgm on May 27, 2009

At least you sort of know what a blog is — you have one. I was at an event at a place that shall remain nameless because it’s … quite gay .. and on the way out the door we were handed paper fliers. On the top of the paper it said: Blog.

by MomZombie on May 28, 2009

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In Praise of the Maternity Pants

6 Comments

May 21, 2009

Wearing maternity pants is like wearing a hug, wrapped in cotton candy, while eating a sandwich, and stabbing Heidi and Spencer in the neck with a pair of rusty tweezers just used to pluck a few rouge pubes. 

Because the moment I found out I was pregnant, I decided to eat only cheeseburgers, I’ve packed on a few pregnancy lbs, and thusly no longer fit into my regular jeans, which means I had to find my maternity clothes from the last pregnancy. And I discovered that all of it is truly ugly, except for one pair of cute Chip and Pepper jeans with a sassy spandex band at the top. 

And here’s what I want to know: why didn’t I wear maternity pants everyday of my God-given life regardless of if I am growing a tiny fetus in my uterus or not? 

Let me give you a scope of awesomeness that is maternity pants:

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Stretchy waist equals good for all sorts of things like,

  • Eating a large meal, at say Arby’s or the BK Lounge,  you don’t have to unbutton your top button anymore, the stretchy waist grows with you
  • Impromptu sex (easy off, easy on)
  • You don’t have to do lunges, squats, and mystifying dance moves to get the jeans on because the suckers always fit, no matter how fat you get, and let’s face it, you look like a total tool when you do all those weird squats
  • When you get home from work or school or whatever the heck you do all day, instead of taking your pants off and walking around the house in your funky undies for all the neighbors to see, you can leave your pants on! Because, wait for it –they’re cozy, and comfy, plus, God likes you more when you keep your pants on 

duematernity_2051_245600901

Why do pregnant women get all the cozy stuff? Just because they’re growing a baby inside them makes them suddenly in need for cozy pants? Dude, I needed cozy pants, you need cozy pants, that chick over there looks like she could use some cozy pants.

And the great thing is, no one knows you’re cozy. Instead everyone thinks you’re just as uncomfortable as they are with your tight jeans poking you in the abdomen…and you get to smile to yourself, and think, HA! My pants have a secret. And they’re not telling.

Then the chick next to you says, “You look like your pants have a secret. My pants have a secret too…”

And you say,”Oh, noo. Did I accidentally say that my pants have a secret out loud? I’m not sexually attracted to you. I like men, thank you though. I might have considered it back in college, but now that I’m older and… you look like a very nice lady.”

And then she says again, “no, my pants…they too have a secret,” and she lifts up her shirt and shows you this:

bellyups

AGGGHH!!

Just be careful when you wear your maternity pants. Things could get out of hand.

6 Comments:

Amen to maternity pants sista! I too find that I enjoy the warm hug of a no bullshit spandex band, gently squeezing my belly, my baby, and my In’N’Out cheeseburgers, animal style fries, and vanilla milkshakes. And I’m not sure I’m going to be able to give ANY of it up once my baby is born. And thanks to this amazing post, I feel like maybe, just maybe, I won’t have to. And for that, friend, I thank you.

by Heather Gapik on May 21, 2009

Ok, so I have never been prego and yet I still have a story to share about this subject. My older sister was about 4 or so months along with her pregnancy and I went shopping with my mom and twin sister to try and pick out some maternity clothes for her at the mall. We went into Mimi Maternity and started checking things out. The jeans are super cute and we know she wanted some, so we pick a few out. My mom was hesitant to buy them without seeing them on and so I was picked to try them on… yup, oh the joy that my mother and sister wanted me to try on preggo pants for a 4 or 5 month preggo woman to see if they will fit well. Sure I may not have been the 98 lbs I was when I graduated from high school, or the 117 I was when I graduated from college, but I was in no way close to a 2nd trimester preggo gal. But I sucked it up and tried them on for my mom’s sake, well they had me open the door so they could see… then the sales lady came over and said “oh, those fit you great, how far along are you?” Are you kidding me? So that sucked, although i still remember how stinkin cozy they were, as much as I was pissed at the situation, I was for sure thinking about asking my sis for the jeans after her baby came out 🙂

by wendy wilson on May 21, 2009

I’m definitely not pregnant, but I totally want a pair of those. Elastic? Gah I love it.

by Bridget on May 22, 2009

Although I have no plans to ever get myself knocked up ever again ever (but only because I’m old, not because I don’t LOVE kids) (which I do), this post makes me want to go out and buy a pair right now.

by dgm on May 24, 2009

Thing is, when you’re pregnant it’s all cute and everything to have a big belly in need of containment with elastic and suspenders. Afterward, they just call ’em fat pants and no one gives you that knowing smile anymore. Still …

by MomZombie on May 25, 2009

I likened maternity pants to a reverse mullet. business on the bottom and party on the top.

i love reverse mullets

by lora on May 25, 2009

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Disneyland

7 Comments

May 20, 2009

 

We just completed our first year as a family with Disneyland passes. Berlyn made some lasting friends made out of fiberglass including, but not limited to: the caterpillar on the creepy and psychedelic Alice in Wonderland ride, Dumbo, but only the purple one, and all the horses with the slightest bit of purple on them at the carousel. And I made some good friends too…especially the ice cream shoppe on Main Street with the fresh waffle cones and then all the dipping, and the chocolate and peanuts… Oh the peanuts. And the pretzel shaped like Mickey’s head, with a healthy portion of nacho cheese sauce, AND, the frozen bananas and–Hold on people, I need a minute. Please excuse. 

We always met up with our favorite Disney friends, Dena and Jax. 

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And then Berlyn and Jax would share a sideways hug and a bag of frozen grapes. 

bjax

And after an exhausting afternoon of circular rides and the gentle contemplation of nausea, Dena and I would sedate our children with a lollypop, so we could talk about more important things… like our kids. 

 

dumbo

I’m going to miss it, and I’m reconsidering a new pass. But what I’m not going to miss is the hot, ass-crack sweat when I tried to corral Berlyn onto the tram while folding the stroller and trying not to swing my diaper bag into her face. Oh, and I’m not going to miss that one time when I decided to wear my MBT shoes, and almost fell down the escalator because Berlyn at the last minute insisted that I had to hold her because the escalator was scary, and I was already holding about 9 other things. Thank God for the sweet lady in front of me–she felt my wavering balance, and offered to help me. She was already holding her 3 month old baby in a sling…bless her heart. And you’re damn straight I let her help me. You can take this, this and this. Thanks random stranger, who’s already holding a baby! I appreciate you. 

Just look at my tiny baby. She was barely a year old when we first took her to Disneyland. 

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So yeah, maybe we’ll renew our pass, because Disneyland is fun. And we’re not the type of people that are opposed to fun.

Although we are the type of people opposed to pin trading.

zackmickey

7 Comments:

My kid was into that pin trading for a couple of years after the Grandparents took him to Disneyworld. I was really happy when he hit puberty and it no longer interested him. For awhile there it was looking like my boy was going to be a huge dork. Phew!

by Miss Yvonne on May 20, 2009

Can I ask what MBT shoes are? Oh, and I am with you on the Pin Traders…I was just at Disneyland a few weeks ago and my husband and I were trying to estimate how much cash these pin people spend on Disney pins over thier lifetime. I mean, aside from wearing them to Disneyland…what do you do with them?

by Julie Snell on May 20, 2009

Julie, I’m so glad you asked about MBT shoes. They are these wonderful shoes that make me look like a giant looser, but shape my buns and thighs while looking like said looser.
I even dedicated an entire post about them because I love them so much: http://hippobrigade.com/style/mbt-shoes/

by beckey on May 20, 2009

I’m glad I’m not the only one who thinks that my MBT’s look loser-ish. You’ve got real guts wearing yours to D-land, Ms. Brumfield.

by Mike Krause on May 20, 2009

Yes, it’s always the mom’s who step in to help. The more kids she had strapped to her, the more she would offer to do–that’s just a fact.
Pen trading? Should I stop doing that? Honestly, I have to claim ignorance on this one.

by Suz Broughton on May 20, 2009

I already miss going to Dland with you and B. Drew says we can think about renewing in Spring 2010, but I have a feeling it will be before that.

by Dena Lucas on May 21, 2009

do not, I repeat DO NOT get a Disney pass while preggo. Can we say hot and sweaty times a hundred? Just think, underboob/ belly sweat nastiness with swollen ankles in Toon Town. Not my idea of a fun Friday night. Take it from someone who has made the mistake. I have never been so pissed at myself as I was for the money I wasted on the Dland pass the year I was preggo. I’m just saying.

by Katelyn on May 21, 2009

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My name on a Keychain

9 Comments

May 18, 2009

 

My parents gave me a nice enough name: Rebecca. Although they never call me that, instead they call me Beckey. No, I don’t think you heard me right, it’s BeckEy. There’s an extra vowel thrown, and I’m pretty sure they added it to give the 6 year old version of myself a panic attack every time a teacher, my friends, or my grandma spelled it incorrectly (and my grandma still spells it wrong–WTF Grams?). 

I remember spinning the big keychain display at Disneyland and seeing “Becky” but not “Beckey”. Don’t the fine people who make keychains for Disneyland know that I have AN EXTRA E!? Frick.  That whole Disneyland trip was pure shit after that. My brother, Jason, had no trouble finding his stupid, generic name, and twirled his fancy keychain around his finger as I coveted a more simply spelled name. Why couldn’t my name be Anna, Mary, or Sarah? There were always an abundance of Sarah keychains. 

scooby_key

So, I figured it was my duty, as a parent, to pass on the frustration to my daughter. She will probably not find her name among the gold cursive necklaces at Sea World, she will probably not find it in the spin- display of keychains at Disneyland, but dammit, it’s a nice name, and any girl would be lucky to have it.

And I’m sure it’s a character builder, or something. Yeah, yeah… that sounds good–I named her Berlyn because it builds charcter. That’s right. That’s exactally why I did that. I don’t want her to think life is perfect and theme parks always have her name on a mug, because LIFE’S JUST NOT FAIR. 

Yup, I’m still upset about not getting a “Beckey” Keychain…maybe someday. Someday.

9 Comments:

There are never any LORAs either. LORI, yes. LAURA, plenty.
My son’s name is JACOB. They are always sold out by the time I get to the keychain display.

So sad.

We can’t win.

by Lora on May 18, 2009

My kids usually end up spinning the display hopelessly as well, although Jade did find a mini-license plate. I don’t want her to actually put it on her bike though, where all the child molesters can see it. So think of it this way: you are protecting Berlyn from child molesters who’d look at her cursive necklace and go, “Hi Berlyn. Want some candy? Your mom said it’s okay.”

by dgm on May 18, 2009

Stud Muffin — I can never find Stud Muffin.

by Mike Krause on May 18, 2009

It’s true, Sarah is in abundance. And I totally don’t have as much character as you OR Berlyn. On the upside it’s Biblical, so I have that going for me. (Rebekah is, but Rebecca is not, so you’re out.)

by sarah on May 18, 2009

I totally understand what you’ve been going through your whole life! The only cool thing I got with my name on it was a stamp because my mom found a way to order it when I was little! You should look into that and give one to Berlyn when she’s older, it’s way cooler than a key chain and she will feel special. =]

by Elisha on May 18, 2009

Thanks for the laugh…you’re really funny. And congratulations to you and Pat as you prepare for baby #2.

by Eric on May 19, 2009

I had the same issue as a child. Except my name wasn’t anything as nice and normal as Beckey. No, my parents had to give me a crazy hippy name. Which wouldn’t have been a problem in and of itself (Forest Sky, for example, would’ve been nice), but it was a BAD hippy name. So I changed it. Now it’s nice, normal, AND I have a solar powered keychain that spells it out in blinking lights.

Except people still can’t spell…whoops.

by Tobias on May 19, 2009

The worst thing about being a Becky is that mother ucking Baby Got Back intro. As if I didn’t feel white enough already…

The extra e totally gives you street cred. So jealous.

by Steam Me Up, Kid on May 20, 2009

I hear ya, there are never REBEKAH’s either! What were our parents thinking? 🙂

by Rebekah on May 27, 2009

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I’m Pregnant

26 Comments

May 13, 2009

peestick

So I’m pregnant. 

It’s true. I swear. I wouldn’t lie about this. 

I was planning on waiting the obligatory 12 weeks to tell you, but you need to know. 

Because I can’t keep it a secret anymore. 

Because I’ve already gained 5 pounds. 

5 POUNDS!!

And you’re smart, you’d figure it out anyways. You’d be all like, Beckey, wow. You either went off the Atkins or your pregnant. And I’d say,  I was never on the Atkins. And then you’d be all, PREGNANT!! And jump around and point your sinewy finger at me. 

But I’m only 8 weeks along. 

I was at the doctor’s office today, and I was reading this chart thing, and it said to gain between 3-4 pounds in your first trimester. It said it is the healthy thing to do. It said that you should also eat a lot of fresh fruit and vegetables. I said fuck that. I said, I need a crunchy taco from the Del.

And a red burrito.

And a cherry Pepsi. 

Thank you. 

I have 4 more weeks until my first trimester is over. 

SHIT. 

So I’m trying to eat healther. And do more yoga. And enjoy what it’s like to just have Berlyn. Because things are going to get a whole lot more chaotic.

And aside from being pretty scary, it’s also pretty grand. 

 

And we’re really hoping, 

 

if it’s a boy…

 

because the baby is coming at Christmas time…

 

to name him Jesus.

26 Comments:

CONGRATULATIONS!!!!!! Awesome news … oh and Atkins sucks.

by kristy - wheres my damn answer on May 13, 2009

Congratulations!! How exciting Beckey! I am so happy for you and Pat…2 is fun, but a lot of work:)

by Kristin on May 13, 2009

wooo for del taco!! and for being prego too! congrats to you and pat!

by allie on May 13, 2009

That is awesome! Congrats. Ironically, I had Del for lunch today.

by Julie Snell on May 13, 2009

Congratulations!!! That post cracked me up by the way.

by Kgroovy on May 13, 2009

I was sipping tea (because I have no voice from a cold) when I read that last line and it cracked me up so much that I almost spewed tea everywhere. And it would have made more sense to my onlooking co-workers as to why I sporadically drooled some tea just now if I could laugh, but I absolutely have no sounds coming out of my mouth today. I’m like a walking Charlie Chaplan movie.

Anyway, so yeah, great post. Oh yeah, and congrats!!

by Bellacantare on May 13, 2009

I don’t deserve to know you…you are too amazing!!!
Needless to say, us Mattson’s are pretty excited that another Brumfield is on the way…us Mattson’s REALLY like Brumfields! 🙂

by Rhea Mattson on May 13, 2009

Remember that happy dance and monstrous SQUEEEEEEEE I let out at the park the other week? Well, I’ve pretty much been doing that non-stop. So, so excited for you, Pat, Berlyn, and myself, naturally, ’cause I love me some babies.

by amanda on May 13, 2009

Congrats!!!!

Jesus rocks and saves.

by ashley on May 13, 2009

Whoa. Dude. Awesome. And, Jesus? Heh. Cool.

by Just Jamie on May 13, 2009

Yeah, we thought of Jesus too. Teachers would see his name on the role sheet and say, “aw, how sweet and racially thoughtful of them to name their son Jesús.” and we’d be like, “Nope. No. It’s Jesus. As in the Son of God.”
I like it, go for it.

And another CONGRATS!

by sarah on May 13, 2009

Yaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaayyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy!!!!!! And gain all the weight you want you skinny little thing! It will make the rest of us feel better about ourselves!

So this is very weird timing because this afternoon, while I was online buying 6 pairs of Baby Legs (at 50% off!) I was thinking of you because I remember Berlyn wearing them, and then I thought, I wonder if Beckey and Pat want another baby…..I should ask….but that might be rude…..so I’ll just have to wait and see. And then this! I am SO happy for you! And glad you didn’t wait the obligatory 12 weeks. GO JESUS!

by Heather Gapik on May 13, 2009

Congratulations!!! I’m so excited for you and Pat…and totally agree with the Del Taco choice.

by Anna on May 13, 2009

CONGRATS!!! that is so exciting. and i think i gained 10 lbs in my first trimester. you’re doing great!!!!

by Katelyn on May 13, 2009

Hip Hip Hooray!! So happy for the two of you to have two!!

by Jeni on May 13, 2009

No way!!!!!! Jesus is MY baby name and you and Pat both knew it!

by Caley on May 13, 2009

yah! CONGRATS!!

by Joelle on May 14, 2009

Aaahhh CONGRATULATIONS!!! BEBEEEEEEE!

by Bridget on May 14, 2009

Congratulations! I can’t wait for Little Baby Jesus to come. And I think that’s a good girl’s name too

by Lora on May 14, 2009

That is so great! Bring on the Del! Let Jesus get a taste for it now, so when he is of age to eat solids, you can be sure that he will enjoy the wonder that is Del Taco with you!

by Wendy Wilson on May 14, 2009

Congratulations!!!! I super excited. I know I won’t be drinking any of the water 🙂

by Katy Sepulveda on May 14, 2009

Yay! And if it’s a girl you should name her Wyoming just to spite all those readers you don’t have.

by dgm on May 14, 2009

Congratulations! I found your site from your husband’s site. Seems he thinks your hysterical (which is great that he appreciates your humor). I’m gonna go checkout the items on your site…
Good luck with your pregnancy. 🙂

by Dr. Creamer on May 15, 2009

Congrats on the second coming of Jesus!

by Miss Yvonne on May 15, 2009

Congrats! We are praying for health and safety for you and baby.

by Jodie on May 16, 2009

Congrats and as always, so wrong, yet so funny 🙂

by Suz Broughton on May 20, 2009

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Why Not Wyoming?

4 Comments

May 11, 2009

Here is a screen shot of my readership in America:

why-not-wy

See that white square in the middle? Yup, that’s Wyoming. It’s white because no one reads the Hippo over there. What gives? 

Wyoming looks like a beautiful place to go. Maybe Wyoming is mad because I’ve never visited.

Hey Wyomingites, Wyomingtons? Wyomings?  I’ll totally visit, promise.  Yellowstone National Park is there and they have geysers. Which is like the equivalent of giving the ground below us a bazooka.

wyoming-old-faithful

And this guy’s in charge,

govofficialpicture 

and he looks like a pretty sweet dude. 

Perhaps I should blog about my extensive Native American jewelry collection I acquired from QVC designed by Heidi Klum.

Or maybe I should blog about my new pet bison? Yup, it’s true. I got a new pet, his name is Baxter and he’s an 800 pound beautiful American Bison. I keep him in my backyard and he mainly eats grass and the occasional house cat. He likes when I rub behind his ears and he poops mounds the size of  Toyota Corollas. 

800px-american_bison_k5680-1

That should get some readers in Wyoming. Fingers crossed.

4 Comments:

My ex-fiance is from Wyoming. Apparently, they only read blogs when they’re cyber-stalking people. Otherwise? They stay hidden in their bunkers with their guns and literature on how to secede from the Union.

by Elaina on May 11, 2009

Sorry, no Wyoming here. Just came over via Bossy’s blogroll. Digging your style and your darling baby girl (damn, that’s a cool name for a kid).

by Just Jamie on May 11, 2009

Come on, Wyoming! Give it up for the Hippo!

by dgm on May 12, 2009

Quit being such a tool, Wyoming! Yeah, you’re all pretty and stuff but come on….seriously. Why can’t you be more like California and Texas?

by Miss Yvonne on May 12, 2009

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Only Boy George Can Save Me Now

3 Comments

May 7, 2009

 

I’m pretty sure Boy George is going to bust through my door any minute and light his fingers on fire and then do the drill team dance he learned in his sexually displaced and emotionally bankrupt 8th grade year. Because I need NEED him to. Because I’m broke and I have nothing to write about. AND DAMMIT BOY GEORGE you’re my last hope!!

boygeorge

So, come on, bust through the door! But hey, please don’t break the door, because I really hate to replace it. I’ll just slide my key under the mat for you, k? And I’ll be waiting on the other side with a fire extinguisher and a camera. Oh, but you know what? It might just be easier if you just knock, and I’ll meet you outside, because of all the flames. I’m just not 100% comfortable with you lighting your fingers on fire in my house. but I’m really looking forward to you pulling me out of my blog-block. YEAH! Oh, and afterwards I’ll let you in for a drink and weepy rendition of, “Do You Really Want To Hurt Me”.

3 Comments:

I’m pretty sure you could just blog whatever goes through your brain at any given second and it would be entertaining.

by ashley on May 7, 2009

I literally let out a gasp when I saw his picture. He is one scary scary dude!! By the way, I still have your dishes.

by Jamye Jack on May 7, 2009

Didn’t Boy George just attack someone in prison? No? Wrong Boy George? Or maybe that was a dream?

by Bridget on May 8, 2009

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Slightly Dismembered Yeti

7 Comments

May 4, 2009

After what I’ve been through I would think I was dead. But if I was actually dead, I probably wouldn’t be doing much thinking, or I might be thinking but it would be less labored and I wouldn’t have to take a nap afterwards, AND I would probably be thinking about much cooler things, and NOT be thinking about how I died. 

So raise your hands if you want to hear about my brush with death! Yea! I count at least 6 people. 

Okay here it is:

My friend got married this weekend. So Pat and I grabbed our tiny car and loaded two more folks into it, and headed up a gigantic hill known as the Southern California mountains. We made a lot of twists and turns and then drove on dirt roads, passed 7 bait and tackle shops, rented a canoe, and then hang glided the rest of the way to the hotel where the wedding was at. Finally we got there and it was fabulous, there was dancing, lobster bisque, and one beautiful bride.

Crap-tastic, I forgot my camera, but here is a photo of a beautiful bride, just picture her but with a different dress on. 

Oh, how embarrising, how did this picture get in here...

Oh, how embarrising, how did this picture get in here...

It was late, we were sleepy and had a 2 hour drive ahead of us, so we left. I drove because hello? I’m a control freak, plus being in the back of a tiny car down a twisty mountain would make me want to vomit on my sexy lady dress, and that would suck a lot. So we all piled into the clown car  and set off! I was driving down a tiny one-lane highway, twisting and turning:

mountianroad

And then we drove into a humungous cloud and visibility went from a 80 to a 0 in one second. There was nothing! NOTHING. Here’s what it looked like in case you have a hard time picturing what nothing looks like:

nothing

I slowed to a 2 mph crawl and only saw one lane reflector at a time. ONE. AT. A. TIME. Can you imagine driving like that? Down a spiraling one lane highway of death? With a car full of people you love? One wrong turn and you’re driving off a cliff. Or you could  hit a deer. Or a hitchhiker. Or the Abominable Snowman.

The good news is, we survived. And I only veered off the road and lost control once. But that only resluted in a dismembered yeti, and since we didn’t know the guy we don’t really consider it a loss. 

I think I deserve some kind of special driver’s licence or something. Like one that says “I kick ass driving in zero visibility” or” I only slightly mutilated a yeti, but hey everyone’s alive!” Or something, I don’t know, just a thought.

7 Comments:

You are special. So very very special.

by ashley on May 4, 2009

Ugh! You are not allowed to do stuff like that! You scared the pee out of me!

by Dena Lucas on May 4, 2009

Un.Believable. (To both your gorgeous wedding pic, and this insanely hilarious post. My favorite part, you ask? This: “Oh, how embarrassing. How did this picture get in here?”) You’re my blogging hero, Beckey.

by Michelle on May 4, 2009

you definitely deserve a special license.

That happened to me once, up in the Poconos. You and I are only not dead right now because we are amazing behind the wheel. I think if that happened to me after becoming a mom, I would’ve had a nervous breakdown/anxiety attack and completely lost my shiz and died. You are much stronger than I.

by Lora on May 4, 2009

There’s a special notation on a driver’s license for people who don’t survive such an ordeal. It’s called “organ donor.” I’m glad you weren’t one of those this weekend.

by dgm on May 4, 2009

Best blog. Ever.

by sarah on May 4, 2009

Hee!! You said “resluted”. I don’t care if you did that on purpose or not…you are my hero.

by Miss Yvonne on May 5, 2009

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I Sleep on a Bed Made Entirely of Cheesecake

8 Comments

May 1, 2009

It’s cheesy delicious and therapeudic for my back. 

We bought a mattress when we got married, and it was fine enough. It held us while we slept and that’s all we really asked for out of a mattress. I came from a long and heinous sleeping history that involved sleeping in a water bed (my parents are hippies), and my husband would be find with a nice assortment of wood chips and pine needles, so our expectations were pretty low when purchasing our first marital mattress. Did the springs squeak when we had sex? No. Done!

But after a few years, we started to become bed gluttons. We began to collect 800 thread count sheets, fancy duvets, and plush down comforters and pillows. But our mattress began to sag, and it made both of us really, really sore when we’d emerge in the morning. I practically rolled out of bed in a tightly formed ball and stayed that way  on the floor until the morning sun thawed me out. 

So we got ourselves a really expensive piece of space foam! That’s right. We sleep on foam made in space by aliens who genuinely care about the well being of our back. Aww how sweet, just warms your little heart, doesn’t it?

But apparently it takes a few weeks for the foam to soften up a bit and right now it feels like we’re sleeping on a giant piece of cold firm, cheesecake. Or tofu. But I’d like to think of it as cheesecake, because that’s way more appetizing, and when I sleep I’d like to dream of delicious sweet treats. And I told my husband that if I start gnawing at the mattress, just let me go, because I’m probably having a deliciously good dream.

8 Comments:

Yum. My bed feels more like sleeping on jello. It jiggles and conforms and goes squish squish when we get busy.

by ashley on May 1, 2009

When Nate and I first got ours it was SO hard we were like, “What did we buy?” BUT I made a fun game out of it every day crawling all over it, digging my knees and elbows into it and it worked! It did take a few months but totally worth it!

by Jamye Jack on May 1, 2009

we are buying a bed this weekend- tell me about this one! I need help- to foam or to pillowtop? AGHHHH

by amy on May 1, 2009

My space foam pillow makes me sweat bullets like a middle aged woman. Oh wait–I am a middle aged woman. Maybe it’s not the space foam. Nevermind.

Also, one time I dreamt I ate a giant marshmallow and when I woke up, my pillow was gone. Oh wait, that wasn’t me; it was Bazooka Joe.

by dgm on May 1, 2009

lol…cheesecake would smell better. …we need a new mattress.

by ...love Maegan on May 1, 2009

We’re rockin the Sleep Number. It’s fun b/c you can fuck with the other person by changing their number while they sleep. I like to let all of the air out of my husband’s side and then he’s all, shit, I’m drowning, and then realizes no, it’s just my jackass wife. I’m so not buying her a doughnut in the morning.

by Just Barely on May 2, 2009

Mmmm, a foamy sandwich. Yummy.

by C.J. on May 3, 2009

Just don’t touch those tags.

by diesel on May 4, 2009

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