Potty Training


April 27, 2009

Hello I’m potty training. Which means that I am loosing my patience, I’m sick of doing laundry, and stir crazy as hell from staying in my house all. Day. Long.


Berlyn and I have never done anything half-assed. When we transition her into a new phase of her life we go all out. Like when we were getting her to sleep through the entire night, we just took three days and said, deal with it nugget, mamma and daddy need to sleep or else we turn into fire monsters, and when we stopped nursing, wait nope, that was gradual. Oh, but when I started her on a sippy cup it was like BAM! SIPPY CUP TIME! and when it was time for a big girl bed, it was BOOM! BIG GIRL BED. So, we figured this potty thing should be fairly easy, and I could be all POW! POTTY TRAINED! 


But I’m not really in the mood any more and I’m only a day and a quarter into it. Yesterday was officially day 1. and we got rid of all her diapers and stocked up on Ariel and Cinderella undies. But before her nap she had 8 accidents and I was all ready to slap a diaper back on her and go to the mall to buy something shiny for myself for giving it a good college try. But the second half of the day went much better, and this morning she stayed dry for 2 and a half hours, so perhaps it’s working. Except the part that isn’t working is the fact that I have to pay attention and actually do stuff. I’m so used to convenience of a diaper catching all her business, now I have to! And there’s pee on my carpet, and I don’t know what I’m going to do when she has to take a dump, what if she decides to play with it? And smears it on the dog?

 Is 10:30 in the morning too early to start drinking?


When potty training a child, 10:30 in the morning is too LATE to start drinking. You’ve got some catching up to do, woman!

by dgm on April 27, 2009

I don’t have kids yet but I’ve heard that when you are potty training them you should let them go commando. When she has underwear on it feels like a diaper, but when they are commando, they are more aware… I know a kiddo this worked on. Obviously when you leave the house a diaper is required. Just a thought…

by Lisa - your cousin on April 27, 2009

Lisa is totally right. Commando is the way to go. I potty trained both my boys that way, obviously in the summertime, and it worked like a charm. They wouldn’t pee on the floor so they would play like daddy and go off the back porch (eww) or go in the toilet.

And also try something she really likes as a potty only treat. And try something mommy really likes (vodka perhaps?) as a potty only treat. Every time she goes, you get a shot. Fun, eh?

by ashley on April 27, 2009

I can’t wait till she’s 16 and sees that you posted these pictures.

by Ryan on April 27, 2009

Hey, if I looked that darn cute sitting on the toilet, I’d post pictures of myself!

by Jamye Jack on April 27, 2009

Jake and I were the same way. No weaning or transition necessary for anything at all, except this potty training crap, which has me drinking WAY earlier than 10.30 sometimes.
And just set your watch to East Coast time. It’s later here than it is there.

I’m right with you on all this. Nothing in my life has ever frustrated me like this. I’ve cried. Several times.

by Lora on April 28, 2009

I say it is never too early to drink, if that’s what’ll get you through the day! Potty training SUCKS, but when it over, oh, joy! Good luck and stick with it. Letting her have accidents is how she will learn to hold it and make it to the potty.

by Becky Williams on April 29, 2009

Ohhhh potty training. Not much fun at all. We started last Nov and she threw out all her diapers and did the undies and tshirt thing and everytime she started going we rushed to the bathroom and even if she finished just a little she got a treat. Then she just started running to the bathroom herself yelling at me to follow. We didnt use night time diapers or pullups when we left the house…we trashed them all. After 2 1/2 days (I hated those 2 days) She was a big girl!! I think since November we have had maybe 3 or 4 accidents. Good luck Beckey I know it gets crazy but its so nice once they are done.

by Casey on April 29, 2009

Well I guess you should just go fro the cocktail. My mom never quite potty trained me fully so here I am running around with no drawers on all the time and playing with my doo-doo. Sure, it’s made for some strange adjustments when making friends and finding a date, but at least I did learn how to make a damn good cocktail! It also helps to find a nice place with hardwood floors.

by Caley on April 29, 2009

Ha! I’m over that. We got a new rug that I love more than my kiddos… not risking #1s and #2s on my rug… I mean baby!

by Kara-Noel on May 6, 2009

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…and then my pug barfed.


April 24, 2009


Right as I was going to write this terribly amusing blog post about a lemonade stand, a rhinoceros, and a lady named Marge, my dog decided to hurl. I was just about to pop open the lid to my lap top when she looked over at me with her sad glossy black eyes and then proceeded to barf all over my rug. Afterwards she stood over it for a second or two, and I could tell by her posture that she really wanted to sniff it and possibly eat it. Well, no siree, sister, we are not a family of barf-eaters! So get your furry little behind outside, while I try to salvage what’s left of our sad, sad rug. 

As I was cleaning her vomit piles, I wondered, what the heck made her sick? She eats the same exact thing everyday. EVERYDAY. SAME. THING. Oh, and not only that, but she does the same thing EVERYDAY. It’s always: wake up, scratch, lick stuff, go on a walk, eat, lay down for 6 hours, scratch, lick stuff, go on another walk, and then lay down. My first thought was that she’s hungover, but then I was like, when does she have time for drinking binges? She has a pretty ridged, and hectic schedule as is, she can’t possibly fit that in. Then I thought Oh, shit, she’s preggy. That little tramp. But double no. Because she’s a virgin, and she’s fixed. Then I started to feel like a bad mom. Poor pug never gets to experience life. She’s stuck in my home, no sex, no alcohol. No wonder why she threw up on my rug, she’s sick of it, and I don’t blame her, I’d be sick of it too if all I did was lay around on a stack of pillows all day with interruptions for licking stuff and eating. Wait, no. I take it back. No, Zoey, you pretty much have my dream job.


my pug likes to barf. i think he’s bulimic. lol.

by ...love Maegan on April 24, 2009

Why do I stay away so long? You are so f*cking funny… you’re like my favorite blogger in the world! I love you, man!

by Kristin on April 27, 2009

You crack me up.

by SUz Broughton on April 27, 2009

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I’m so Embarrassed


April 22, 2009

Embarrassment has always seemed to find me. Like that time when a pack of 7th grader boys voyeuristically watched me use a tampon for the first time, or when I fell down a flight of stairs at college, and my skirt flipped over my head and everyone saw my laundry-day thong, or when I feverishly yelled out, “GRETCHEN!!” GRETCHEN, I miss you so much, where have you been!?” Only to find out that it wasn’t Gretchen, but an incredibly tiny man with long hair. 

Ahh, yes, embarrassment, we were once good friends, we found ourselves together often; at parties, in public speaking classes, and in whole-school assemblies, but now that I’ve grown up, embarrassment and I have grown apart.  

Either I’ve adapted because of the whole survival of the fittest thing, or I’ve matured, and farting in front of the lady giving me a pedicure is not embarrassing, but a natural part of life. But don’t fret, because I increased her tip by five dollars due to the proximity of my fart to her face.  But truth be told, I don’t embarrass much these days. Except for lately I’m worried that my daughter might hold the key to my embarrassment, and I have a very strong feeling that she’ll be really good at mortifying me. 

Here are a few excerpts of recent conversations I’ve had with Berlyn. Thankfully we were alone each time, but you never know when an unsuspecting ear will be lurking, waiting to hear all about Berlyn’s observations:

BERLYN: I’m two!

ME: That’s right Berlyn, you’re two!

BERLYN: Momma’s 37!

ME: No. Momma’s not 37. And now we’re heading to the mall to buy some La Mer

Really, Berlyn? I look 37? 

BERLYN: Noooo! You don’t look 37. 

ME: Thanks sweetie, I appreciate that, but I’m still getting the La Mer.


And while driving…

BERLYN: Momma’s Naked!

ME: No child, Momma’s not naked right now, she has pants, and a shirt on. But if I were naked I’d probably get a special visit from Mr. Police Officer who would take me to a place called jail, and then take you off to child protective services. And that would make mommy really, really sad. 


While I was in the bathroom…

BERLYN: Momma’s wiping her butt!

ME: Yup. 

Because that time it was true. 

Your turn. I’ve told you like 6 embarrising things about me, now tell me some embarrising things that have happened to you so I don’t feel so bad.


One time while standing in line to turn some papers in at the courhouse, my two year old started yelling… “stop hitting me! stop hitting me! stop hitting me!” at the top of his lungs… I’m the only one who knew he was talking to his imaginary friend Mergatroid. fml… everyone in the place glared…

by Leah on April 22, 2009

How about the time that my skirt ripped and my ass was exposed at work? That was embarrassing. Or the time that I told my bosses boss’s wife that it looked like she lost 100 pounds (by the way, I don’t think she ever weighed more than 130). And no, I did not have several tropical drinks before that came out of my mouth…oh wait. However, I do want to hear how 7th grade boys saw you use a tampon!!! Do tell!

by Jamye Jack on April 22, 2009

I don’t consider my days successful unless I experience at least one embarrassing moment. One of my favorites happened at the beginning of my relationship with my ex – I didn’t know we were at the beginning stages of dating and so I was totally caught off guard when he wanted to have the “what are we?” talk. I was in shock, so I coolly answered, “We’re…. people!” Sweeeet.

by amanda on April 22, 2009

Jax: Look mommy, that lady looks like daddy.

Me: Hum, I wonder where your mommy is…..

by Dena Lucas on April 22, 2009

Must know more about this whole “tampon” story. The skirt in the air–‘nuf said 🙂

by Suz Broughton on April 23, 2009

I get really nervous some times. When I was first starting out as a teacher I was nervous all the time. I was so nervous before the first day of school I was insane. I was sitting in a new teacher meeting and we were suppose to go around and say our name and our favorite TV Show or something simple. I remember my ears getting hot and my blood pumping so hard as the count down was getting closer. When it was my turn I was so stressed and looking like I was gonna cry, I mumbled something about needing to go and I ran out of the room. What grown up does that? I still am mortified that I was so neurotic. One teacher still teases me to this day.

by melinda on April 23, 2009

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Free City Sweats


April 16, 2009

I love sweatpants, and my day just really isn’t complete until my jeans are tugged off by a pack of rabid rocwillers, and my jeans are replaced with a sturdy pair of sweatpants that are snapped into place with a sturdy elastic waist, can I get an AMEN? Oh, the joys of pants with elastic waists. Makes me all teary-eyed just thinking about it. 

But a vast majority of people (and by vast majority I mean, like 7) are coming to my site in hopes that I have some information on where to buy Free City Sweats, because you’re fancy, and Target sweatpants just won’t do. Because Jessica Simpson and Marc Jacobs are NEVER photographed wearing Target sweatpants. Gawd!  



I wrote about sweatpants a really long time ago, and since then the Free City sweats have become as elusive to find as the Northern Hairy-nosed Wombat. But I will tell you this: 

If you live near L.A. you’re in luck, because Free City is sold at Fred Segal and Ron Herman. If you don’t live in L.A., then no sweatpants for you!! Just kidding, I’m not the sweatpant nazi, instead I give you this: the Free City Website. I know, I know,  I’m a total genius to be pointing you towards the company’s website. But that’s like the only place they sell those suckers. Talk about exclusive. 



I thought that first picture was of you (before I read the sentence before) and I was all “Beckey has a bodyguard!? Awesome!”

by allie on April 16, 2009

I totally thought that was you too! I would absolutely love to buy a pair of these sweats, but alas, where some see comfort and style I see a child starving in Africa. Oh it’s so much fun to be my friend, isn’t it! To the credit of Free City; it is a very cool company that supports a lot of really good projects around the world. I’m down with that. But I’m also down with the Hurley knockoffs I got at the Goodwill for $2.50. Tomato tomaato.

by sarah on April 16, 2009

I’m not really a sweats person, but if I was, I’d start my own line for women in their 40s and I’d call it Night Sweats. I’d totally give you a free pair when you got to be the right age–you’d be an awesome spokesperson.

by dgm on April 19, 2009

Ok – So, I feel like since I met you tonight at Sarah’s I do not have to “stalk” anymore and I can comment. Love the blog, great to meet you. Julie (the twin that was sporting the “recession red.”

by Julie Snell on April 19, 2009

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Easter Family Photos

1 Comment

April 14, 2009




Berlyn decided the sun was too bright. So we got her her glasses, and she actually wore them, instead of sticking them in her nose holes

Berlyn decided the sun was too bright. So we got her her glasses, and she actually wore them, instead of sticking them in her nose holes


Egg hunt!

Egg hunt!

How did I get stuck holding the basket?

How did I get stuck holding the basket?


family photo!

family photo!

1 Comment:

I never had a custom made basket with my name on it. We had grocery bags. Tell Berlyn I am jealous.

by melinda on April 23, 2009

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Nightstick Grandma


April 14, 2009

Um, hello? I totally know that Easter was two days ago, and I know you’re all OVER it. And you’re surly because your hoard of Cadbury Eggs were eaten by your pet rooster, and now you have to wait a whole year to eat them again. AND now your rooster has the runs and is crapping foil puddles everywhere. BUT- I have to show you something so delicious that I think you’ll find it amusing enough to pull you right back into the Easter spirit again. 

Instead of the kids in our family doing an Easter egg hunt, my brother, aka the genius, decided the adults should do the Easter egg hunt this year! My daughter is the only ‘child’ in the family right now, and it’s kinda boring watching her scuttle around the lawn in search of eggs filled with candy that I won’t let her eat anyway. Because I’m mean. And I want it all for myself. And I’m trying to divert her from an unhealthy and cationic relationship with sugar, because Lord knows I’ve been there. 

So we sent them off on their hunt with well wishes and the hopes that they would return victorous. 


Awwh, look at them, they’re all so proud and delighted!

But wait. You ask, what is the elderly one on the end doing with a nightstick and a bullet proof vest on?

Well half way through the egg hunt, we hit a lull, and the crowd was getting restless. In attempts to boost moral, my security gaurd cousin dipped into his trunk and pulled out a snappy outfit for Grandma. 


And with her new found confidence she got from holding the nightstick, and her knowledge her lady parts were adequately protected, she went on to win the hunt! She was so emphatic and thirsty for eggs, however, that she banged down neighbors’ doors and stole candy and eggs from sweet little innocent children. We had to give her a tranquilizer and have her locked up for the remainder of the afternoon. But after we removed the vest and took away her nightstick, she returned into the sweet little grandma we all know and love.


Yup, just a typical holiday gathering with my family.


Can I join your family??

he he…

by Jeni on April 14, 2009

So, I really thought that your Grandma wasn’t wearing any pants in the second picture. I had to look at it for a few minutes to realize that they just flesh toned. So cute.

by Jamye Jack on April 14, 2009

I totally need one of those. For hitting people. I mean… yea… pretty much just for hitting people.

by Bridget on April 16, 2009

SOOOOO funny! O Fran!

by Amy Gorman on April 21, 2009

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a time to weep, a time to laugh, a time to mourn and a time to dance


April 13, 2009

Gorillabuns just lost her 4 month old son yesterday. My heart aches for her and her family. 

In a act to remember her precious son Thalon, hug your babies, your spouse, or your dog extra long and hard today, and know that they are all precious gifts from God. 

My harp is tuned to mourning, and my flute to the sound of wailing. Job 30:31


What is with this world?

My heart is breaking.

by SuZ on April 13, 2009

Oh my god this is so heartbreaking.

by Bridget on April 13, 2009

I have tears and I dont even know your friends. My heart hurts from one mommy to another.

by Casey on April 13, 2009

The family is in my prayers, I am so sorry.

by dianne on April 14, 2009

thank you for your kind words and prayers. they are needed now more than ever.

by gorillabuns on April 25, 2009

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April 10, 2009


I went to a Passover Seder Dinner Wednesday night. It put me in touch with my inner Jewishness. All the talk of lahiem and matzo, got me wanting to not only to partake in a Seder dinner every Passover, but also to crash a few Bar Mitzvahs and join in on spinning the dradle every now and again.


I am a Christian, and going to a Seder dinner brings into sharper focus what this holiday represents, and helps me to remember that this whole Easter season is bigger than a giant marshmallow peep, and it’s even bigger than Reese’s peanut butter eggs. Still, it doesn’t mean I’m not going to eat this sucker for breakfast:




I went to a Seder dinner last night. It was interesting, I’m a Christian too, but our church wanted us to learn ’bout our roots.
God bless the Reese’s Peanut Butter Egg!

by SUz Broughton on April 11, 2009

Oh, my dear…you just granted me with 10 minutes of loud giggling while I got caught up on Hippo Brigade. Thank you.

Eric and I participated in a Passover feast several years ago with some close friends of our family who are Jewish. I thought it was fascinating. And all the wine was a nice perk too.

by Natalie on April 11, 2009

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Passover Puppets


April 8, 2009

While doing some on-line shopping I happened upon this website and found these Passover Puppets. How cute are these?


And right in time for the Easter Holiday. If you’re not familiar with the 10 plagues of Exodus you can get these sassy puppets and help to learn your Old Testament history. I’m pretty fond of the frog one. He’s ready to not only infiltrate your land, but also to give you a heart warming high five.

Like those puppets wern’t enough of a good time, I lingered on the website and found this jem too:


And yes, if you’re my friend, and you’re expecting, be expecting me to gift  you with this bad boy at your baby shower. Not only is is flattering but also incredibly creepy. You’re welcome.

Ohhh ooooh, I found one more thing:


It’s the Go Girl, for when hovering above the germs while peeing is too much of a quad work out.

You just cup it over you lady-parts and viola, you have your very own pink rubber penis, AND you can pee standing up. Now, it’s not for me, I prefer to do the hover-squat, because I never turn down a good mini-work out to my thighs, but if your a germ-a-phobe and perfectly okay with sporting a pink phallic thingie over your thingie then, you Go Girl.


I’m actually thinking the Go Girl might be a great potty training tool, no?

by sarah on April 8, 2009

I’ve seen an even better one, a she-wee it folds up and fits in your wallet! No lies!

by Cyndi on April 9, 2009

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I Have to Write a Book First


April 7, 2009

I want to go on a book tour. 

I guess I’d have to write a book first. 

But what would I write about?

I can’t give advice, I haven’t been through enough to warrant myself as an authority. 

I don’t have anything meaningful and inspirational to talk about. 

I think the most appealing thing about writing a book is the fancy book tour. 

I’d stay in Four Seasons all over the country, be jet-lagged, wear dark sunglasses, and order eggs benedict from room service. But  chances are, when I get to the book store there would probably only be two people in line, and they’d be all, I heard there might be free slushies


My book sucks, and I haven’t even written it yet.


i’d buy your un-subjected book but i have to admit, an alcohol signing sounds like the kind of party you should have.

by gorillabuns on April 7, 2009

You should just go on tour. Don’t even worry about writing the book.

by dgm on April 8, 2009

After thinking long and hard about this, I have a plan: you can write a book about MY fascinating life, and we can go on tour together. Kind of like show and tell. It’s genius, I know.

by Amanda on April 8, 2009

I think you could write about indoor plumbing and it would still sound kickass…

by Kelly on April 8, 2009

Don’t give up. Two people in line for that future book tour are two more than are waiting in line for you now. See, how you can spin it?

by blueviolet on April 9, 2009

Oh, please write a book.
A) I would totally read it.
B) I would buy multiple copies and give them as “just for the heck of it” gifts, limiting my target visits to once a month.
C) I would be first in line for your book tour, my own slushie in hand. Preferably Blue Raspberry.

by Natalie on April 11, 2009

Ooooooh, a book tour. That sounds juicy.

Maybe you could write about a woman who really really really wants a book tour.

I’d buy it!


Good luck!

by SuZ on April 13, 2009

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