My Mom and Me

4 Comments

March 30, 2009

I’ve always thought my mother and I are very different. For starters she has to pack a snack every where she goes, but she never eats it, she’s totally okay with wearing mom jeans, and I’m pretty sure she has a crush on Phil Collins. 

But  I was rummaging through old photos and found one that shocked the shit out of me:

momandme500

Turns out my mom was a hot piece of ass, just like me. 

I’m already envisioning myself in a pair of mom jeans, I think I’ll have a crush on Josh Groban, and my snack de jour shall be a bag of lightly salted almonds.

4 Comments:

Two words: stripper pole.

Just sayin’.

by dgm on March 30, 2009

man, your mom was a hot piece of ass!

by gorillabuns on March 30, 2009

um… who DOESN’T have a crush on Phil Collins… seriously.

by Lindsay on April 2, 2009

My Mom always packs a snack too… the thing is I always end up eating it! 🙂

by SuZ on April 2, 2009

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Say hello to my new car

1 Comment

March 26, 2009

Yes, I’ll give you a ride home, but no you can’t eat your Macho Nachos in the passenger seat.

tesla-model-s

It’s fully electric and fully adorable, yes? 

tesla-model-s-2

Only bummer is it doesn’t come out until 2011. That seems so far away, and I’m pretty sure I’ll be old by then, and want something more sensible like a hover craft.

1 Comment:

will it drive itself? i’m waiting for this kind of car.

by gorillabuns on March 27, 2009

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Beckey is a Cosmetologist.

11 Comments

March 26, 2009

So it’s official. I’m a professional. I passed my test on Monday and I’ve been recuperating ever since. I mean really, talk about a horrifying experience. I narrowly escaped my own death with the constant heart palpitations, nausea with explosive poo, and my lactating toe.  But I made it through the day with a passing grade and a death grip on my new and beautiful cosmetology license.

beckeylicensewinner

You’re proud of me aren’t you? You’re beaming with delight and majesty, like a pleased mama.”But Beckey,” you wonder. “What are you going to do now?”

Well, I started hair school before I got pregnant, which was three long years ago. I had a different path in front of me. But after I got pregnant, I stopped school, and shoved my face in a hole in the ground for 9 months. Then I waited another 9 months, and I thought: I should go back to school and finish what I started. So that’s what this license is, it’s a completion; an end to something I started.

And then you stop and think, “Wait… you hair always looks so scraggly and in desperate need of a deep conditioning treatment, how on earth can you say you’re a hairstylist??” 

While I can’t argue that point, I can tell you to suck it, and remind you that hairstylists are pretty cool and slightly intimidating, and you’re just jealous.

11 Comments:

just in time, because i’m running around looking like a hot mess!

by Lora on March 26, 2009

congrats. Can I come over for a perm? xoxoxo super cool babe!!!!!

by amy on March 26, 2009

Congrats! I’ve yet to start something and finish it. Unless finishing three pregnancies counts. So maybe I have. Whatever.

by ashley on March 26, 2009

Good for you!

by SUz Broughton on March 26, 2009

I completely agree with the part about hairstylists being cool and slightly intimidating. It’s hard to be one of us.

A huge congratulations to you. Today was my last day of school and I take my test in two weeks – crazy. I hope my results are as great as yours. Miss and love you guys.

by Samantha on March 26, 2009

i’m in a desperate need of a makeover. i think you could totally be the one to do it.

congrats!

by gorillabuns on March 27, 2009

Well congratulations, you cosmetologist! I am proud of you, even more because you finished what you started. I look forward to pictures of some wacky shit hairdos.

by dgm on March 27, 2009

Yea, you did it! Awesome job!

by Jenny, Crash Test Mommy on March 28, 2009

Congratulations!! Of course I’m proud. HELLO!!

by Kristy - Where's My Damn Answer on March 30, 2009

Yay! Congrats!

by Bridget on March 31, 2009

Yippy Skippy! You are an inspiring friend.

by melinda on April 1, 2009

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I’m Taking a Week Off

4 Comments

March 16, 2009

A letter to my loyal throng of readers:

I’m sad to report that for the following week, I will not be updating my blog. But don’t despair because I’ve composed a list of things that you can do instead, that take up exactly the same amount of time and brain space as reading my blog:

  • you can do the maze on the back of your Coco Puffs box
  • you can apply 13 coats of chapstick 
  • you can read a Marmaduke comic
  • you can giggle at the word throng because it looks and sounds like thong. Hee hee -thong.
  • or, you can play MASH with your bestie

The reason for my week long hiatus? I’m studying for a huge test that is so monumentally stressful that all my hair is falling out and my toe nails are beginning to lactate. But after I pick up the pieces, pass my test, celebrate with 16 beers, and drunk dial your mom, I’ll be back, and ready fill your head with nonsense, and fig jelly. 

Wish me LUCK!!

XOXO,

Beckey!

4 Comments:

I’ve already done all those things, and it’s only Monday. What ever will I do until you return?

GOOD LUCK! And don’t let your hair fall iut–that doesn’t look good for a cosmetologist.

by dgm on March 16, 2009

Good luck! Will miss the nonsense…

by Suz Broughton on March 16, 2009

Playa please. My mom is the queen of the drunk dials. She’s probably trying to call you right now. Keep us posted about the test so I’ll have an excuse to drink with you. Because I’m always looking for new excuses to drink.

by Bridget on March 17, 2009

So, I think that this has been more than a week break. But who’s counting? We miss you! Come back, Beckey!

by Jamye Jack on March 26, 2009

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The Perfect Blog Post

7 Comments

March 13, 2009

I’ve been blogging for about a year and a half and while I don’t claim to be any good at it, I still have picked up some pointers along the way to construct what I think is the perfect blog post:  

  • Make sure you have at least two run on sentences: It all started when I was in third grade and Mrs. Jackson  was teaching us about diction and proper sentence structure, I immediately scoffed at the idea of containing my thoughts in compartmentalized sentences; to me it’s like roping the wind, and if we’re being honest, I just don’t have the time to put little periods at the end of a thoughts, and then capitalize the next letter of the new sentence, I mean who has the time for that??  … and I have been running- on ever since.
  • Flirt with danger, and by danger, I mean cuss. Using the f-word should only be reserved for very special moments, like the birth of a child or when there’s a really good sale at Fred Segal. But shit, damn, hot dog, and crap should be used liberally.
  • Toilet humor always insures a good time.
  • A little self deprecation is necessary to convey to the folks that you are still vulnerable and a fragile flower. This also helps you look less like of a punk-ass bitch, and more like a relatable friend.
  • Lie. Or do what I like to call, gentle exaggeration.  If for instance, someone gave you a dirty look at the grocery store when they saw your child throwing a tantrum, and you retaliated with an over dramatic eye-roll/loud sigh combo, that translates into BOR-ING. Instead say that you beat her over the head with a trashy gossip magazine,  made her pay for your groceries, and then stole her shoes. It makes for a far more interesting read. Trust me.
  • Oh, and don’t forget to add an offensive, yet intriguing photo

buyinprivate_2040_386745221

 

And HOT DOG! You got your self a pretty amazingly perfect blog post, courtesy of your pals at Hippo Brigade. You’re Welcome.

7 Comments:

F*ckin’ A!

(I’m trying to leave a dangerous comment, but I just couldn’t bring myself to drop the entire f-bomb in writing. If we were face-to-face I totally would.)

by dgm on March 14, 2009

I’m going to print this out and tape it next to my computer. Genius!

by SUz Broughton on March 14, 2009

FUNDIES!? FUUUUNDIES?!?! awesome.

by Bridget on March 16, 2009

I love run on sentences and if a blogger uses them I know that we have lots in common on the inside of our brains so I immediately get hooked and put them on my Reader and keep coming back because it makes me feel more normal and gives me some sort of connection with people who have minds that are completely full of wonder and expression.

by Lora on March 16, 2009

You’re so fun. Eric and I got a much needed laugh fest getting caught up on Hippo Brigade tonight. And our pair of fundies will be arriving in 7-10 business days.

by Natalie on March 21, 2009

I said Hot Dog in class today and no one was offended, but I felt dangerous inside.

by melinda on March 24, 2009

oh, my stories are no exaggeration and i do love to cuss. a fuck-load.

by gorillabuns on March 27, 2009

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Reese’s Peanut Butter Eggs are Ruining my Life

6 Comments

March 10, 2009

08reesespeanutbutteregg

I have a problem, it’s called Reese’s Peanut butter eggs, and I think they’re ruining my life. 

Here’s proof via a conversation I had with my husband last night:

 

Me: Do you think if I joined the Mexican Circus, and they made me take hormones to grow facial hair, you’d still love me? We’d both have beards, how cute would we be?

Pat: Matching beards, eh? I guess it’s better than matching Crocs. So, yeah, I’d still love you. 

Me: But what if they made me wear Crocs too?

Pat: What are you talking about? Are you considering joining the circus?

Me: No.

Pat: Good. We need to talk about something serious now. Sit down. 

Me: Okay…

Pat: We bought 2 packs of 6 Reese’s eggs 4 days ago and you ate 10. 

Me: WOAH! That’s a lot of math. Are you just showing off for me again?

Pat: What I’m trying to say is, we had 12 eggs, and you ate 10.

Me: …and?

Pat: That’s a lot. Plus, I only had two. 

Me: Well, you should have written your name on them, although I don’t know what good that would have done, because when I want some peanut butter eggs, you better get the fuck out of my way, and your stupid name written on the wrapper won’t slow me down. Mmmm, I think I need a peanut butter egg right now. 

Pat: See? It’s that kind of talk that makes me think you might have a problem. 

Me: Seriously Pat, I can stop at anytime. I just choose not to. I have self control. 

Pat: I think for the duration of this holiday season we should not buy anymore Reese’s Peanut Butter Eggs.

Me: But Pat! That’s how I choose to celebrate Jesus’ resurrection! I don’t judge you for celebrating in prayer, so don’t judge me for celebrating with a sweet delicious treat. 

Pat: Oh, my God, woman! You’re worse than I thought. You need help.

Me: No Pat, what I need is a EFFIN’ PEANUT BUTTER EGG!

Oh dear! Please hold me. I do have a problem. 

 

And so, now I’m on the road to recovery. If you have a Reese’s Peanut Butter Egg, keep it to yourself, I’m far too weak and fragile right now to be tempted.

6 Comments:

I spent $15 on various easter reese stuff this weekend. It’s a sickness. Also? Remember those giant filled eggs that we all used to get when we were little? The ones that were like 7 inches in diameter? Yeah, now Reeses makes them.

by Lora on March 10, 2009

Just put on your MBT shoes and walk around the house as you eat them.

by amanda on March 10, 2009

i ran away from the candy aisle today. i can’t put on another pound or my whole body is going to give out.

by gorillabuns on March 10, 2009

So you started with 12 and you ate 10? I’m still trying to see the problem.

by Dena Lucas on March 11, 2009

I have two words for Pat (but I will let you deliver them): community property.

Also, “in sickness and in health.” (That’s four words, so I guess I really have six words for Pat. I know, I know–that’s a lot of math.)

by dgm on March 12, 2009

I love those things but I gave up chockate for Lent, it kills me to see them and not be able to have them. They’re so much better than regular peanut butter cups! Just tell Pat you’re eating them for me!

by Lisa - your cousin on March 17, 2009

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I bruise like a summer peach

1 Comment

March 9, 2009

At any given moment, doesn’t matter what I’m doing, I have a bruise on my leg. Most often they’re on my shins. And most often there are more than one. I can’t ever remember what caused the bruise, and it always bums me out when I go to put on my favorite pair of  nylon dolphin shorts only to find that my legs are graffitied with brown bruises. Darn, guess I’ll just have to wear sweatpants. 

If people ask me why I have bruises on my legs I will answer with one of these responses:

 

  • I play the drums while asleep, only the drums are my bed frame, and the drum sticks are my shins. I’m starting to get really good.

 

  • I joined the mexican circus. 

 

  • We just got a tennis ball gun, and every night as foreplay, I let my husband launch tennis balls at me. It really gets us in the mood. 

 

  • I bruise easily

 

  • Your mom

1 Comment:

I’m finding more and more that I wake up with bruises in odd locations on my legs after nights of heavy drinking. I have no explanation for this. Except maybe the drinking part.

by Bridget on March 10, 2009

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Is Fart a Bad Word?

9 Comments

March 5, 2009

As I trek deeper into the world of mommy-hood, I always seem to find myself facing a new challenge. One week it’s wondering what to do when all my daughter wants to eat is waffles, and the next week it’s realizing that she has developed a fiery addiction to anything involving Disney Princesses. She is currently in Disney Princess rehab where she is learning that not everything embossed with Cinderella’s face on it needs to belong to her. 

My newest challenge is trying to figure out what are acceptable words to teach Berlyn. Her vocabulary is growing exponentially. and she repeats everything I say. She’s so curious about things and what they mean, and I want to give her the correct word. 

Take for instance this morning when she pushed out a loud, bumpy, kinda awesome fart, and declared, “Mama, I pooped!”

“No, dear that was a fart. You farted.”

“Mama, I farted!”

“Yup, that’s right.”

Oh, but it felt so wrong. Isn’t fart a bad word? What should I have called it instead? Toot? Should I have said, honey, you had flatulence? You broke wind. I can’t even get the words out without wanting to do a phony british accent. 

“No, dear, you merely broke wind, now hand mummy a crumpet, and then I have to change your nappy. Cherri-o then”

9 Comments:

It’s not a bad word in my house, but it was in my mom’s when I was growing up. Maybe times are changing?

by Lora on March 6, 2009

My parents always used to make us say we “shot a bunny.” Looking back on it, that sounds horrible and cruel and weird in some really messed up kind of way. Shot a bunny? Really?

by Bridget on March 6, 2009

Ugh I messed up my Web site.

by Bridget on March 6, 2009

In my house we always referred to it as “tooting.” And breasts were always called “bosoms.” This made for a really awkward transition into middle school.

by amanda on March 6, 2009

“Fart” always sounds crude when used by young’uns, but my son seems to love it (he’s 6). I’ve been searching for a suitable alternative, and I am so loving “shot a bunny.” It’s way more hip than “cut the cheese” and more edgy that “pootered,” which is what I’ve been encouraging. I think “fart” should be reserved for older kids, you know, like PG-13 movies and “Are You There God, It’s Me, Margaret?” (Don’t tell me you’re already reading that to her at bedtime.)

by dgm on March 8, 2009

Growing up in a house with all brothers I think all of the “polite” ways of saying things especially referring to your body or its functions was ruined for me. Never more obvious that when I was in kindergarten, my family referred to male anatomy as a “Peter” until one day at school when a new boy joined our class…his name,,,of course, Peter. I erupted in a fit of giggles and got in trouble.

Ohh and my 80 yr old grandpa doesn’t say fart…he says..”did you hear that barking spider?”

by Courtney on March 8, 2009

True story … when my niece was three she “tooted” and turned around to look at me and I said, “did you toot?” She replied with, “No Aunt Kiki, I farted.” I about died. Three YEARS old. She’s never stopped being funny either.

by Kristy - Where's My Damn Answer on March 16, 2009

I didn’t want my son using that word when he was young, so we called them ‘bum burps’. Everyone thought that was cute and that phrase didn’t offend anyone 🙂

by Sharon on April 2, 2010

When I was brought up we couldn’t say that word FART. we used to say “BOOTIE TOOTIES” everyone qused to make fun of me!! When we said it… so ya I don’t say that anymore!!!!

by Brook on May 10, 2011

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Marie Antoinette Heels by Louboutin

1 Comment

March 4, 2009

 

Christian Louboutin just debuted these bad boys. 

newsshoes_marieashoes_feb12

 

He only made 36, and they sold for a mere $6,000 each.

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I totally would have bought a pair in pale pink, but shoot, they sold out, plus I don’t have anything that would match the tiny porcelain face that dangles from the ankle strap.

1 Comment:

these are FABULOUS

by marcyg on July 7, 2009

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proximidade!

8 Comments

March 3, 2009

 

I got a blog award, and ordinarily I’d be all, whoo-fucking-who because I’m crabby and my thong is riding up in places it shouldn’t, but it’s from Yellaphant. And I’m pretty sure in a past life Bridget and I sipped Coors Light and swapped embarrassing gynecological stories, which is why when she gave me an award in Spanish I thought, RIGHT ON!  How cool am I? Or should I say, ¿Cuán estelar soy yo? And  then I started craving some empanadas, por favor. 

My husband designed this site, and when I started it, he wouldn’t let me put badges and stuff on it. He compared it to a Mercedes with a bumper sticker, or a hot girl with a tramp stamp. And then he remembered that I have a tramp stamp… Let’s just say the discussion after that was super awkard, and now he’ll allow me to put whatever I want on my site, which includes, but is not limited to blog awards in Spanish. Olé!

Ahhh, I remember fondly the last time I got an award in Spanish. It was in my freshman clase de Espanol. I got the Senorita Simpatica award. Which basically means I was a quiet bitch who only appeared nice because I didn’t say much, and people appreciated that.

But now I can add this award:

proximidade

It’s for those who invest and believe in proximity and aim to find and be friends with other bloggers. Which basically means I’m nice to people and I like it when people are nice to me. Or it means you live close to me, or it means I want you to live close to me so that we can share a soda and get a pedicure and then go shopping at Trader Jo’s together. At lease that’s what I interpret it to mean. 

Oh, one more thing, I have to share the love with 8 other ladies that are fantastic and who I think would really appreciate an award in Spanish with a wire butterfly and an empty toilet paper roll on it.

My Island Nights

Gorilla Buns

Sunny Side Up

Doobleh-Vay

JLogged

Fitz-Fam Happenings

Spilt Milk

Vintage Thirty

Enjoy your special award ladies. I know I’m enjoying mine. I printed it off, framed it, and now I look at it every time I poop.

Cheers!

8 Comments:

Thank you so much for sharing the love. You know I’m in need of some major love lately. Sadly, I took French therefore, I wouldn’t have had a clue what the hell the award said. I only know how to cuss in Spanish. I guess this is most important in any language, right?

by gorillabuns on March 3, 2009

I feel honored. Especially since I went back to school and dropped my blog like a hot rock. Poor neglected blog.

by Jen on March 3, 2009

YEAAAAAAAHHH! CERVEZAS POR FAVOR! You should gave me a great idea for a cervezas and cervixes party where everyone has to come and with their favorite six pack and gynecological story. Let’s do it.

by Bridget on March 3, 2009

mmmm…..Coors Light

by greg on March 3, 2009

Yayyy! Super chouette! Oops, that’s french. Now I expect everyone who reads your blog to flock to mine and leave copious comments. Because seriously, it feels like the only people who have been reading my blog lately are freaky manatee lovers and you.

by amanda on March 3, 2009

Muchas gracias prostituta 🙂 ( I like to call my best bff here a hooker- don’t ask me why I just like it. I call another friend Vern -I’m weird like that. Now I call you hooker too. It’s a term of love.

by amy on March 4, 2009

Abundanza of graciases! (That’s “Itanish,” wherein I’ve combined Italian and Spanish. I don’t speak either, least of all Italian– I stole that word from a spaghetti sauce commercial.) The award is beautiful. I don’t mean to sound like an ingrate but THE TOILET PAPER ROLL IS BACKWARDS! How many times do I have to ask you to put it the other way? Oh, wait, sorry…

by dgm on March 4, 2009

You have funny friends. I can’t compete. I’m just so very thankful, really, you have know idea how much this award means to me. Thank you. And thanks again. Thanks.

by sarah on March 4, 2009

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