I had a massage last night. Have you ever noticed that massages are kinda weird? I mean, think about it: there you are, totally naked while some stranger rubs you. Undies are of course optional. I chose to wear them. They make me feel safe and somehow less naked. On the day of the massage I decided it would be best if I abandoned my stretched out and faded knickers and traded them in for a pair of pretty undies with hearts on them. This is because I want my masseuse to know that not only am I adorable, hence the hearts, but I’m classy too, hence the absense of stains. I’m not all that modest, but something about being totally vulnerable on a massage table makes me aware of everything, and I’m pretty confident that she snuck a peek at my goodies when I flipped over.
I tried so hard to relax, I put my face in the hole, I closed my eyes, and focused on taking deep, cleansing breaths. I listened to the soft chimes and woodwinds, but my stupid thoughts kept interrupting me:
Can she see all my cellulite when she squishes my leg fat? What if I have a huge whitehead on my back and she’s afraid to massage near it, for fear that it might explode. I wonder what kind of shoes she’s wearing… they look like Asics, or maybe they’re New Balance. I wonder if my leg hair is offending her. Do they make special shoes just for masseuses? I wonder if she jogs in them too. I would, if I had a pair of nice athletic shoes that I had to wear to work. Oh, but wait, I don’t jog. Sometimes I consider jogging, but then I realize what hard work it is. And instead of sweating and wheezing, I think I’d rather watch the DIY network, eat avocado hummus, and dream up ways to use flagstone to adorn my landscaping. What if I farted right now? Would she giggle? Would I? Oh, crap, now I think I have to fart!! HOLD IT…STEADY. SQUEEZE IT, BECKEY! Okay, I’m good now. I think I am finally relaxed…
“Is the pressure alright?”
“Yeah, It’ss goood.”
*And no, I did not fart while getting my massage. I waited until after my masseuse left the room. I am a lady, after all.