I just got back from a vacation last night. A fantastic vacation where I watched my ass gradually get bigger and bigger from the combination of laying around all day and then eating bountiful amounts of whatever the heck I wanted. It was sheer magic.
I left my husband, baby, and Zoloft at home and grabbed my BFF Jenielle and we headed for Palm Springs.
Here’s some stuff we did:
- laid by the pool
- went in the pool
- ate lunch at the pool
- drank pomegranate daiquiris by the pool
- and peed in the pool
After a nice long day of getting well acquainted with the pool, we decided to hit the hay and get plenty of rest for the following day of massages and…wait for it–wait for it…laying by the POOL! So we got all nestled in our beds and we were chatting about our similar distaste for pickles, when I glanced up and saw the world’s most giant bug slowly crawling across the ceiling. I quickly jumped out of my bed and did the creepy-crawly-bug dance. Jenielle joined in and we both freaked out for a good 4 minutes. We called the staff and they sent someone over. Before they arrived we saw the bug again, this time he was on the floor crawling in and out of one of our bags. Jenielle grabbed a glass and I, completely unashamed in my cowardliness, crouched behind her. She swiftly trapped the bug under the glass and we did the victory creepy-crawly-bug dance, which looked a lot like the regular creepy-crawly-bug dance, but with sounds of joy mixed in with the sounds complete horror and disgust.
Then the staff security guy came, who was maybe 19, and when he saw the bug he enthusiastically proclaimed, “that’s a roach! And you guys chopped his head off, AWESOME!!”
Needless to say, we didn’t sleep well that night, I kept having these Kafka-esque dreams that I was a giant roach, and someone had decapitated my head with a glass. I’m not kidding people, that cockroach was the size of small child! And I’m sure, if
we Jenielle didn’t kill it, it would have eaten us alive. UCK!