I’m a Total Nut-Job


June 30, 2008

Right after Berlyn was born I would wake up in the middle of the night (this was in addition to waking up 2-3 times to feed her), sit up in the bed, and wrestle in the covers, lifting them and shrieking that my baby is in the bed, and she’s suffocating! Pat would wake up, try to calm me down, and assure me that she was sleeping soundly in her crib, not in our bed. After a Xanex and a tall glass of red wine, I’d fall back asleep for about 48 minutes and wake up to feed Berlyn.

This is what Hell feels like. No one can prepare you for the rhythmic-head-pounding-into-the-wall that is parenting a newborn. But after a few months Berlyn was successfully sleeping through the night, unfortunately I was still waking up, smearing the covers around, trying to find my suffocating baby in the sheets. Once a week I had this nightmare, and every time it was the same: I would sit straight up, open my eyes, and panic while searching in the covers for my baby. Pat would have to calm me down each time, but each time it was harder for me to calm down, because I would convince myself that it was real, and when I found out it wasn’t, I would get mad at myself for letting my subconscious so violently take over. I kept this up weekly for about 6 months, then after that it was only happening about every month or so. It was so awful when I would wake up and thrash around looking for Berlyn in the bed, because my adrenaline would be running and my heart would pound, and falling back asleep would be nearly impossible.

But thankfully it’s been about 4 months since I’ve had that horrid nightmare. UNTIL–last night! Last night Zoey slept with us, which is something we let her do on special occasions, like after she gets a bath, or if we’ve been out of town and neglected her, or if she does a good potty outside, or if she goes longer than 30 minutes without barking, or if she looks extra cute and snugly–you know, special occasions. So it was a special occasion and she cuddled right in between myself and my husband and all was wonderful until 2:37 in the morning, when I woke up and thrashed around thinking she was suffocating in the covers, and called out “ZOEY! Zoey is in the bed!” I grabbed her expecting to find a limp and lifeless dog, and instead found a snoring and happily sleeping dog.

I don’t know what’s wrong with me. I don’t understand why I think my dog and baby are going to die in my bed. I seem to be okay, and I sleep there every night. Maybe I ate some bad shell fish, or maybe I need a therapist to tell me that I’m a total nut-job.


Years ago I experienced the same sort of thing when I took Tylenol with codeine after surgery. It’s scarey, and I haven’t taken codeine since. I wish I had a solution for your dilema. Maybe don’t let anyone sleep with you. even dogs!

by Grandma J on June 30, 2008

I’m glad to know that I am not the only crazy one because I did the same thing (multiple times) with Mackenzie. It is such a scary horrible feeling!

by Kristin on June 30, 2008

I’ve had similar moments – waking up in a panic trying to find my baby. I don’t think you are a nut job. It’s hard being a parent, let alone sleep deprived.

by Marketing Mama on July 1, 2008

That sheet thing always happened to me too, I am so glad to hear I was not alone.

by Dianne Erwin on July 5, 2008

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Pride Parade

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June 29, 2008






It was the Pride Parade in San Francisco this weekend. We left on Friday, and just missed it. I was kinda sad, I think it would have been pretty fantastic to have seen it. Plus, it would’ve made a fun blog entry.

1 Comment:

Great pictures. As someone who has spent their entire existence in SF it’s always nice to see what it looks like through someone else’s eyes. SF is pretty rad.

by Lisa on July 15, 2008

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The San Francisco Treat!


June 29, 2008

Hey kids! I’m back from San Francisco, and it was more fun than a back handed slap from a tranny. I took a crap load of photos, so instead of me jawin’ about how great it was, I’ll just show you, mmm kay?


Our good friends Ryan and Samantha showed us around downtown when we first got there. On top of their to do list: Blue Bottle Coffee. Yummy.




Oh look we rode the trolley. Wait, no we didn’t, we’re liars! We just took a photo in one.


I’m gorging on a cupcake. Serious business.


Us at the Golden Gate Bridge.


Lombard street. It’s super curly.


Hey! It’s the Mattsons; our fellow travelers. They shared in our affinity for walking for miles and then sitting down to a plate full of sashimi.

China Town








I’m trying really hard to look nonchalant, but really, I’m peeing my pants because I love me some Marc Jacobs.





The conversations moments before this photograph was taken:

Me: you should take my picture

Pat: Okay

Me: No, wait. What should I do?

Pat: Whatever you want, I don’t care

Me: I’ll just jump around like a crazy person. Do you think people will stare?

Pat: Yes.

Click. Genius! Thanks Pat for the stellar photograph.



Hey look it’s the Full House Park!!


I got some new yellow shoes. They’re super amazing, and cozy too.


We dined at Orson, and it was my favorite meal ever! I’m not even kidding, it was that good. Go there next time you’re in San Francisco!


Union Square. Our hotel was to the right of David Beckham’s crotch.



I’m leaving you with this final image, which pretty much sums up my entire trip, enjoy:


Want more photos? Go here.


You two are disgustingly adorable.

by gorillabuns on June 30, 2008

I’m so glad you’re back. I want to go shopping with you sometime so you can make me pretty.

by amanda on June 30, 2008

You might possibly love the fashionist blog [http://fashioni.st], wherein the blogger posts daily pics of sf street fashion (which I, personally, adore). I love our south OC, but fashionistically speaking, it’s got no personality. For that we must look to our friends to the north. Your boots in the Marc Jacobs pic made me think you shoulda been caught on fashioni.st.

And! I used to live across the street from the Full House park. I never saw the Olsen twins, however. Not once.

by dgm on June 30, 2008

Hey, what amazing pictures. Some look like they came right out of a magazine. Do you mind if I ask what camera you have? I am looking into a new one. Thanks…. For the laughs, the smiles and anything else that comes up while reading your life…..lol

Robin Dawn

by Robin Dawn on June 30, 2008

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The coldest winter I ever spent was a summer in San Francisco –Mark Twain


June 19, 2008

We’re packing up and heading to San Francisco. My mom is staying over to watch Berlyn and Zoey, and I still have a crap load of things to do before we leave. I have to:

wash the dog

buy a litany of crackers for Berlyn

paint the shower enclosure

wash the sheets

hide all of our sex toys

vacuum the spider webs off the ceiling

stock the refrigerator with snacks for my mom (who needs to be fed every 2.75 hours)


write very detailed directions of Berlyn’s schedule

write a how-to guide for the air conditioner, washing machine, dishwasher, and remote control

So, once we get to San Francisco, what should we do? I went once before to watch a 49ers game when I was 16, but I don’t really remember it too well. All I know is I want to go to the park where the Full House opening credits was filmed. You know what I’m talking about, “Everywhere you look, there’s a heart I’m here to hold on to. Everywhere you look there’s a place of somebody who needs you…skibity, bop, ba-daa!”


I’m not all that into going to Alcatraz, but if I have a hearty wine and draminime cocktail, I might enjoy looking at an old prison.

I’m defiantly stopping over at Kara’s Cupcakes in Ghiradelli Square to get a tasty snack. 525659594_11f8ec0509.jpg

What else we should do?


oooh! Check out Union Square for some shopping and people watching, and Pier 39 to see fat sea lions. Your brother and I went to the Pier so that I could freak out over them and then walked around and saw that a magic show was about to start. The lady asked for volunteers, so I of course elaborately volunteered Jason, and he ended up holding the lady up in the air with some other guy while she juggled fire. Oh, it’s also fun to try to see how many times you can almost get hit by a cable car. I mastered that activity.

by Amanda on June 19, 2008

we’re going there on saturday too! we’re going to the death cab show in berkeley – yeah! i suggest going to fisherman’s wharf and going to boudin (www.boudinbakery.com) and having a fine bowl of clam chowder (in a bread bowl) unless of course you’re not into that sort of thing… there’s also the infamous sea lions that are loud and obnoxious, but kind of a touristy thing to do.

for sure you need to jump on a cable car for a photo op!

there’s a cute little boutique that has lots of things that we don’t need, but want anyway. check out http://www.godemago.com – it’s in the mission district.

by allie on June 19, 2008

Never been there. Does your Mom read your blog?


by Marketing Mama on June 19, 2008

I highly recommend doing a free tea tasting in china town and House of NanKing chinese food is incredible. If you go there you should let the the waiter select for you. Also, Chow in the Mission District is pretty good.

by Karen on June 19, 2008

I’ve never been, but my in-laws go all of the time. All I ever hear about is how great the shopping is.

Have fun!!!

by Dena on June 20, 2008

First, the acne must be the weather, because my face has defiantly rebelled against my proactive, I’ve got Maurice’s family tree, and it’s a climbing vine, spreading all over.

Second, If I remember correctly, I doubt your mom is going to think twice about “sex toys”…

and, lastly, for your list of to do’s……dont forget saying, “to heck with it all” and going to taste some yummy chocolate.

by heart shaped hedges on June 20, 2008

muir woods is amazing! I loved it.

by Dianne Erwin on June 22, 2008

Dang! I got here too late; you’re probably back from San Francisco. It’s my former stomping grounds; I coulda given you insider tips, like “be sure to play on the glass elevators at the St. Francis,” and visit the tiki room at the Marc Hopkins for happy hour.

Hope you had a great time.

by dgm on June 23, 2008

Hope your trip was soooo great!!! This reminded me of when my mom would babysit while I went to college ( yes, single mom for years)and when I would drop them off I would start explaining what she should and shouldn’t do, and she gave me that mom look like why the heck are you explaining everything to me that I may have taught you?? hahaha Thanks for the time travel, I miss my momma.

also, the hiding of your sex toys. I used to have the reaccuring nightmare that when I was a single mom, I would die and someone would come to clean my stuff out of my house, and find my big stash of toys…. uuggghhh Now I proudly display them, and hope they are jealous of the “action” I get… lol

I am new to your blog, but I want to thank you so much for the laughs and fun you have given me already!!
Robin Dawn

by Robin Dawn on June 29, 2008

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Sassy Acne


June 18, 2008

I woke up this morning with three new zits. They are huge, and because they have taken up so much real estate on my face, I’ve decided to name them. The one that sits high on my cheek bone, proud and shiny is named Maurice. The one that is down and to the right of my bottom lip is Bernadette, and the rude and completely inconsiderate one on my NECK is called Phyllis. Yes, that’s right, I have a zit on my neck, and stupid Phyllis won’t pop. I’ve squeezed her to the point of irritation and inflammation, but no sweet expulsion of puss. All I want is a stream of white/yellowish goo to seep out of my face. Oops, is that too gross for you? I’m sorry, it seems I got carried away.
I don’t get it. Right now I have the skin of a high schooler. Well, except I have fine lines, sun damage, and ripe amount of cellulite on my ass. So, actually my skin is worse then it was when I was experiencing my first kiss. This is a shaming realization. I’m an adult. I’ve already lived the embarrassment of having a white head while giving an oral presentation on Don Quixote in my Spanish 2 class. And the horror of having a zit on a date, and then popping it in the bathroom, only to have my date say five minutes later, “uh, you have blood dripping off your forehead.”
So, yeah, I’m done with acne. You hear that, Maurice, Bernadette, and Phyllis!? I’m done with you!! YOU CAN SUCK IT!
Maybe to combat my sassy acne, I’ll get one of these beasts:


You stick it on your zit, it heats up, and incinerates your pimple.

Yes please.


what the eff? why do they always come in 3’s?? i can go weeks and be totally “clean and clear and under control” and then one day i wake up and have 3!! i had them last week and i (no joke) named mine too – huey, dewey, and louie! ha!!

by allie on June 18, 2008

I wonder if those Zeno things really work? They are pretty spendy. I was just looking in the mirror yesterday and thinking how my face was clear for a change, but I probably just jinxed myself or else maybe I (I mean my skin) has finally grown up! Jeez, I’m 42 you would think so!
I hope Maurice, Bernadette and Phyllis go away SOON!

by ShellyD on June 18, 2008

this is hilarious. you made me laugh!

by Dianne Erwin on June 18, 2008

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Bad Mommy


June 17, 2008

I might be a bad mom. Here’s why: Berlyn and I went to Target yesterday to buy some toothpaste and before we left I had 3 cups of coffee and a large glass of water. When we got there I put Berlyn in the cart and after about 6 minutes, I started to do the pee-pee dance. I ran over the the restroom area, and realized that there was no way I was getting the entire shopping cart into the bathroom. As I was discovering this, a mom and her two kids were just leaving. The mom held the door for me and noticed my dilemma. She then offered to watch Berlyn while I went in to pee. She assured me that she wasn’t going to steal my baby or feed her shards of glass. The crazy thing was, I BELIEVED HER!! I was so desperate that I actually left my child with a stranger! Thankfully the woman talked to my child the whole time, and I could her Berlyn babbling back. I was so rushed, I forgot to flush and washing my hands was completely out of the question (I’m not totally disgusting, I used hand sanitizer later, gawd).
When I came back outside, I thanked the woman profusely, and she delightfully smiled and said that it was not a problem. So there it is. Lay it on me people, how bad of a mom am I? Would you ever leave your baby with a total stranger?


Had a similar encounter with a not so nice woman, but i did not leave my baby.

Cried about the thought of it the whole way home, though 🙁

You are not a bad mom. Mom’s have the ability to discern safe and unsafe situations.

by Jenielle Krusiewicz on June 17, 2008

If she had blue hair? Most definitely!

by gorillabuns on June 17, 2008

I’ve offered to watch/hold/corral the babies of others… and I’ve only kidnapped 2 or 3 of them.

by Kristin on June 17, 2008

Better than peeing your pants! You trusted your instincts that she was safe…

by Marketing Mama on June 17, 2008

I do stuff like that….both the watcher-of-the-kids and the leaver-of-the-kids-with-strangers-to-go-pee.

It was totally safe…you could hear her.

God gave us judgement and discernment for a reason…sometimes it’s ok to use them.

Glad you didnt pee your pants in target, although that would be a funnier blog post.

by heart shaped hedges on June 18, 2008

I think you were safe because the woman had two other kids. Who can single-handedly kidnap a toddler while rustling other kids? Getting two of my own on the same page at once is way harder than herding cats.

My mother-in-law just recently told me that when her son was little she had to use the public restroom and he didn’t want to go in. Right at that time a “nice lady” offered to look after him, so my mother-in-law agreed. Coming out of the restroom, however, she saw the woman trying to make off with the kid! Even though that was 40 years ago in the midwest, it shakes me to my core.

I always leave my cart outside the bathroom and drag the kids in, even though my son vomits at the smell of public bathrooms.

by dgm on June 18, 2008

Sometimes you just have to rely on the kindness of strangers for survival.

I had to ask some lady to keep an eye on my infant twins once when my three year old got away from me at the park. Talk about panic. We didn’t go to the park alone again until they were much older. Lesson learned…don’t be outnumbered in public spaces by people who depend on you to stay alive.

Most people are kind, especially other mommies who can empathize.

by Jen on June 19, 2008

You are NOT a bad mommy. I commend you for admitting something that you feel may summons negative feedback. You did what you had to do. I have had to do what I think is worse, and that is to lay my child on the bathroom floor ( on blanket, of course,which I immediately disposed of) and use the restroom. They need to make stalls big enough to accomodate parents AND children. Don’t be so hard on yourself.
BTW I started following you on twitter, if that is ok. I am not sure how to send messages to ask if I can follow someone. My life is not as exciting, but feel free to follow me. I have no followers. I am just an ordinary mom, well, actually not so ordinary, I am quite strange if I think about it, compared to the traditional soccer mom. I enjoy the kids, but maybe a little more childish than them..haha

so go forth, trust some, and don’t trust others. Mommies intuition is very strong, and so is her urge to pee…

Robin Dawn

by Robin Dawn ( from twitter) on June 29, 2008

Ok, I need to clear something up after reading my last response. When I put one of my children on the bathroom floor on a blanket, it was in the stall with me, not just out in the middle of the public restroom….lol ok didn’t want to check back in and have mommies yelling at me for my eyes to read, then me having to explain myself, as I am doing now…
oh yes, did I tell you I ramble ALOT???
Robin Dawn

by Robin Dawn on June 29, 2008

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Where are you guys here?

by Jenielle Krusiewicz on June 16, 2008

We were at this garden/nursery in San Juan Capistrano.

by beckey on June 17, 2008

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Dear purveyors of the Crystal Light Vitamin Enhanced Drink Mix,


June 13, 2008

A story: I was on my way to school last night when I opened my nalgene bottle to take a sip of water mixed with your Cherry Pomegranate Immunity on the Go packet. I sipped ever so gingerly, but even with my years of experience with drinking, (nudge- wink, you know what I mean) I still managed to dribble a little water on my white shirt. No problem, because it’s just water, right? WRONG!! After looking down at my shirt and discovering a soft pink stain emerging, a slew of dirty word explosions flew out of my mouth (okay, so I have a problem controlling my anger, and I’m working through that, thankyouverymuch). Needless to say, I had to flip the car around, go home and change, and yes, I was late.

You scabrous folks down there at the Crystal Light Lab think that we’re all a bunch of 3rd graders, don’t you? Well let me tell you something, if I wanted stains on my clothes and my water to be pink I’d drink Kool-Aid. Got it?

Please do us ADULTS a favor and don’t put unnecessary dyes in the water. I don’t really care if it’s pink, blue, or green, it’s totally wasted on me. I’m a simple lady and I find clear water to be just fine, plus I can really do without the pink mustache.




Enclosed you’ll find the bill for my dry cleaning. Thank you.


you my friend…need to invest in a “tide-to-go pen”. (they fit nicely in that secret compartment in your purse with your lipgloss and unmentionable monthly items). they will change your life!! they even work on black clothes – no stains. just rub it on the stain and voila! when it drys 2.17 minutes later, you’re as good as new!!

by allie on June 13, 2008

I have spilled lunch sauce on my pants every day this week. So today, I’m just wearing yesterday’s pants and getting it over with.

by Pete Dunn on June 14, 2008

Im a spiller. Mostly my favorite food, salsa…but pretty much anything I eat winds up on the front of my shirt. I always just blame it on my kids, tee hee hee.

Hey, I want to invite you to a Dove Chocolate Tasting party I am having…..Sun. June 22 at 7pm….let me know if you can make it and Ill send you directions. And….bring a bib 🙂

by heart shaped hedges on June 14, 2008

hmmmm I ALWAYS spill, drop, smash, rub things into my clothes, right after putting them on…The worst is after being in the kitchen, and leaning against the sink to maybe grab something up high, my boobs have big ol’ wet spots on them. geesh.. thats what I get for being short and have droopy mommy boobies lol
I guess I need a tide pen.. Off to put that on my list, and of course right after spending tons at the store today, would go back, but I don’t want to take a loan pout for some gas!!!
Have a great day

Robin Dawn

by Robin Dawn on June 29, 2008

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Water Words


June 11, 2008

Last night in class we had a teacher give an inspiration talk on being positive and loving yourself and yadi, yatti, yah…

Right before I started to lay my head on the table and draw pretty pictures with my breath condensation, the speaker starting talking about writing notes on our bottles of water before we drink them. What? Has he gone mad? He handed us all a marker, a post-it, and a bottle of water, declaring that if we simply write an inspiration message on our water, we will embody these things, and drinking our water will empower us.

This theory is based on Masaru Emoto’s experiments of watching water freeze and form crystals. He took the same exact water and divided it up into two different containers. The first container he spoke only positive words to and wrote “thank you” on the container. The other one he said nasty words to and wrote “hate” on the container. He watched both freeze and noticed the container with positive words created beautiful crystals, while the water with negative words written on it, form ugly crystals. I found this to be fascinating, weird, and a big, giant bowl of hoo-eey all wrapped up in one.

I decided I was going to try this. It couldn’t hurt. So I grabbed my glass of water and sat it down in front of me for a little heart to heart.

ME: Hey water, I just waned to say thanks for always being there for me and that I love you.


ME: No, that’s okay. Don’t say anything. It’s better that I do all the talking because I’m the one with the mouth and the brain, and the stunning good looks.

ME: I wanted to let you know how grateful I am for you. I know that there are millions that don’t have clean fresh water, and all I have to do is open my refrigerator and there you are! Thanks, you’re the best!

After our little heart to heart I grabbed my sharpie and got to work:


Then I had a thought. If I can write positive things on my water, why stop there? So I wrote on my coffee:


And then on Berlyn’s sippy cup (it says, serenity, repose, calm, peace, and harmony–hey, a mom can dream, right??):


…and later that night, on my glass of wine:


the end.


yr awesome!

by amy on June 11, 2008

You made me smile…good experiment!

by Jeni on June 11, 2008

LMAO – that was hilarious. I was waiting for the “hate” conversation and the freezing. 😉

by Marketing Mama on June 11, 2008

The look on B’s face says it all.

by Dena on June 11, 2008

OMG, next thing you know, this yahoo will be on Oprah selling millions of books.

ugly crystals????

by heart shaped hedges on June 11, 2008

No way. So funny. I love it. I am also inspired to label my margarita “sanity” and my dog’s bowl “obedience.”

by melidna on June 13, 2008

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Things that Made Me Happy this Weekend: an Introspection of Sorts


June 9, 2008

This weekend seemed to drag on and on…ugh! J/k folks, j/k. But seriously, the way it worked out, I had a 5 day weekend. Let me explain, on Wednesday we didn’t have school, there was some business that was going down on our campus, therefore they had to close the school for a day (read: opiates, hot, hot sex, and money laundering). Oooh the drama. Then on Thursday I got all ready for school and wore my favorite pair of jeans, but when I got to school, I realized that it wasn’t a day that jeans were an acceptable thing to wear. It totally felt like I was invited to a costume party and got dressed up as the love child between Dolly Parton and Willie Nelson, but at the last minute there was no costume party, and I show up, looking like a pot smoking slut. Oh shit. Usually Thursday we can wear jeans, but this particular Thursday, NO JEANS! But I had my favorite pair of jeans on, and I was asked to leave. This made me angry. I drove home in a huff, said fuck at least 7 times, and almost hit a someone driving a PT Cruiser, just because I think that car sucks.

But on the bright side I got to get all snuggly in my comfy clothes and watch So You Think You Can Dance!!! Oh the joy! This was the first thing about my weekend that made me truly happy.

Here’s some other stuff that made me happy:

  • My new Juicy track suit. Really I can’t have enough of these things.


  • Going on a leisurely walk with my husband and baby.
  • Drinking a Guinness with a shamrock in the foam.


  • Cupcakes in the morning


  • And finally seeing Sex and the City with a fabulous friend.


What made you guys happy this weekend??


Sprinkles in the morning would make me pretty happy too!!

by Kristin on June 9, 2008

Isn’t the Sex and the City movie fabulous? I thought of you when Charlotte literally pooped in her pants. That doesn’t seem like a nice thing to say, but I imagined that you would laugh at that too. I like that I am 8 years old and still find poop jokes hilarious.

by Amanda on June 9, 2008

I went running and my foot did not hurt so damn bad that I couldn’t walk on it. This is significant progress.

There’s a perfume I used to wear, Quartz by Molyneux, that is impossible to find in stores but which I finally tracked down online. My order arrived on Friday and I have been smelling it all weekend (and today) and I must say, I smell GOOD.

Also, I finally made it to a local surfer hangout for breakfast, and my omelette-and-bacon plate was as huge, delicious, and inexpensive as I had been promised by regulars.

And finally, Peets medium iced nonfat cappuccino. OMG.

Life is good.

by dgm on June 9, 2008

we still need to meet up at the Farmers Market some Saturday….let me know when is good for you, amidst all that fun!

by heart shaped hedges on June 10, 2008

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