May 15, 2008

I don’t like to travel, I just like to get there. I’m sooo not one of those people who say shit like, ‘it’s the journey, not the destination.’ The hell with that, it IS the destination, I did not spend 3,500 on a vacation to Barbados, to sit in a crowded airplane and listen to babies cry and my ear drums pop, nope, I didn’t.

But the strange thing is, I like airports. Weird right? Who the hell likes airports? Me. I like to stroll through the lame shops and consider buying corn on the cob magnets and weimaraner-dressed-as-people calendars. I love the magazine stand, and my favorite is looking at people. It’s kinda like going to the mall, only people carry luggage and have their comfy pants on. Oh, and a gentle observation about airports: a great majority of people are ugly–supremely ugly. Not just kind of ugly because they have been traveling all day–but pock marks, bad hair, big ass ugly. Is that mean? Well, the truth hurts people!

Funny story about airports: Last time Pat and I traveled, I hoisted my carry-on luggage up on the conveyor belt to have it x-rayed. There were two younger gentlemen working the machine and they stopped on my bag and stared extra long at the screen. Then they looked up at me, then back at the screen, then back at me, then back at the screen. They gave me this smirk, and one of them said quietly to the other (but not too quietly, because I heard him), “I know what THAT looks like.”
What? I thought to myself, what the frick do I have in my bag that looks questionable? My mind reeled through all my stuff in my bag: books, cosmetic bag, flip flops, head band, magazine…CURLING IRON! OMG they think it looks like a adult toy! HA! You guys are 12, get your heads out of the gutter. But, they kept smirking and giving me the eyebrow look as I walked away. And because the scrutiny was getting to me and making me extremely uncomfortable, I called out as I left– loudly, so everyone could hear, “IT”S A CURLING IRON!!”

And then security came over and asked me if there was a problem–turns out, the TSA doesn’t like it when you yell in the airport. My reply was simple, if you mistake my curling iron for a dildo, I might raise my voice.


I agree with you all the way. I love airports especially the magazine and snack shops. Crazy Huh! I too had that unfortunate event happen but the only thing is I didn’t have a curling iron!

by Katy on May 15, 2008

OMG!! Hahahahahahaaa!!! The TSA are pervs. First they wanna install security devices that see through our clothes and now they think we’re carrying around dildos in our bags. It’s like the new porn.

I love airports too! I even love the smell of the jet fuel.

by Tootsie Farklepants on May 15, 2008


by amy on May 15, 2008

Just out of curiosity–was it a wide barrel iron or a one-incher?!?

by dgm on May 15, 2008

I LOVE people watching. As for people being ugly….my husband and I (who are not your typical CA model types) have noticed that most of the rest of the country, is ugly. Sometimes we talk of moving, just so we can be the “good looking” ones…because we would be much more attractive if we werent surrounded by the botox babes of the OC.

Anyways..funny story….I was at a BBQ of a coworker, some years back. We were all sitting around telling “most embarassing moment” stories.

One guy, older guy, with his timid, frail, wife (she was in her 60’s and quite shy)…tells about a vacation they took.

They were rushing through the airport, late and she saddled him with most of the bags, for the sake of getting to the gate quickly.

While she ran ahead, he got stuck at the conveyor, with HER suitcase….apparently, several curling-iron-looking-things were in her bag. They had to open it up and check them, he said he was red in the face, and tried to assure the airport screeners that the “toys” were not his, but his wife’s.

All my co-workers laughed, the guy laughed, his wife laughed, HA HA HA, funny story.

I sat there mortified! I couldnt believe this fatherly-type coworker, just told us all that his little houswife takes a supply of vibrators on vacation….and, I couuldnt beleive she sat there and giggled while he told us all, YUCK!!

When it came my turn, I said, “I think my most embarassing moment, was hearing YOUR most embarassing moment!”

by heart shaped hedges on May 16, 2008

I will say that the new American Airlines Terminal 8 at JFK is awesome!! So much to do and very cool. It’s certainly one of the better terminals out there and is a HUGE improvement from the 1960’s JFK terminal of yore. But I agree, I HATE the travel experience and just want to get there. Here’s to teleporting! w00t!

by Matt Warren on May 20, 2008

Leave a comment

Blimey and Bloke


May 13, 2008

Raise your hand if you saw the Bachelor: London Calling last night!! Anyone? No one? Just me then? Well then I’ll have to catch you up on what happened. Matt, the Bachelor, had it narrowed down to just two women, and last night he proposed to one of them. Oh the suspense!! And he picked the one with swoopy bangs and a fake tan. I would have picked her too, she was cute.


I got so sucked in to this one, which is weird because I stopped watching the Bachelor years ago, but there’s just something about Matt from London. And I think if I didn’t have a baby, and a husband, and if I weighed 7 pounds less, and had hair extensions, and was a nanny or worked in retail, and tried out for the Bachelor, and got cast, then maybe, just maybe, Matt from London would have picked me…maybe?

Every Monday night, I would get home from school and throw my self down on the couch, excited for the newest installment. And my husband would begrudgingly accept and hand over the remote while secretly wiping his snot on the buttons. I don’t have any idea why he doesn’t want to watch the Bachelor with me, maybe it has something to do with the massive crush I have on Matt from London. It’s the British accent.

Now I don’t know what I’m going to do with my Monday nights. Perhaps my husband and I will work on acquiring British accents, we can be all like, “oh, eh, cheerio, and blimey, and bloke, and tea, and the likes.”



tea and crumpets sounds like a brilliant monday night rendezvous (oh wait…i think that’s french)!!

by allie on May 13, 2008

working on an entry about this one…

by Amanda on May 13, 2008

Okay, just read this and had to share it with you: Shayne’s middle name is Dahl. That makes her Shayne Dahl Lamas. Dahl Lamas! Ahh!

by Amanda on May 13, 2008

Becky, seriously, you are one funny chicky.

by Kristin on May 28, 2008

Leave a comment

A Sordid Love


May 12, 2008


Dear Sugar,

I’m breaking up with you.

I realized that our relationship has to end, when I ate my third bowl of pudding today, on top of the 5 chocolate covered strawberries I already had for breakfast. Shhh…please don’t try to change my mind with your shimmery glazes and your sparkley sprinkles–the decision’s been made, we are over.

I’ll remember you fondly; you’ve been there when times were tough. Like when I found out my high school boyfriend cheated on me with that ugly girl in my math class. I ate a whole bag of Fun-Sized Snickers, and you just let me cry while comforting me gently with a warmth in my belly and a small case of diarrhea, and I thank you for that.

I can’t forget all the good times too–like my wedding night, when our hotel brought us a complementary chocolate sculpture of a fish, and I ate the entire thing, mainly because I had been starving myself in the weeks leading up to my wedding day, and in my mind, it was a fish, and fish is good for you.

But no more! I am quitting you! Today I will embark on a journey without the sweet taste of sugar. It might be weird for a while, because I know where you hang out, and we’ll defiantly see each other. Oh, and then there’s the parties, the countless parties I attend– I know you’ll be at each and every one of them. It’s going to be awkward, I’m not going to lie. You’ll be with someone else and I’ll try to act all cool and nonchalant, and flip my hair around like I don’t need you, like I’m totally over you, like I don’t want to lick your face, and swim naked in a vat of you, but inside I do.

ACK, who am I kidding? I can’t break up with you! I love you too much. You bring me joy in the form of chocolate fondue, creme brulee and peanut butter M&Ms. But we do need to make some changes in our relationship. I have noticed some, ahem, cellulite accumulating around my thighs and ass, so we may need to cut back on how much we see each other. We can work through this, every relationship has its problems.

Please don’t ever leave me.

I love you,




Oh, sugar is like a bad mistress. I just keep coming back to her even though she’s no good for me.

I feel you on this one.

by jen on May 12, 2008

I wish you could have been there when I read this to my husband. It was unbelievable.

I love you. I love sugar. amen.

by Jenielle Krusiewicz on May 12, 2008

I have been cheating on my sugar with coffee.

by Dena on May 13, 2008

umm…i’m really relieved to see that you two are going to stay together and work things out 🙂 hysterical…i loved this blog!

by kate on May 13, 2008

[…] participate in Lent this year, so I thought of the number one most wonderful thing in my life–SUGAR, and then gave it up, for Jesus, and in hopes that my ass would shrink a little, but mainly for […]

by Hippo Brigade » Sugary Lent on February 21, 2010

Leave a comment

Mothers’ Day


May 10, 2008

Happy Mothers’ Day to all you hard working and fabulous mothers out there!

I for one am especially hard working and super-fabulous, that’s why I have comprised a list for Berlyn to surprise me with on Mothers’ Day morning, along with fresh squeezed orange juice and breakfast in bed.

Adorable flats in a size 6 please:


a gun dish, to throw my keys on when I get home:


camera lens bracelets made out of vintage camera parts:


fancy coffee mug:


MARC by marc jacobs barrette:


heirloom tomato plant:


Here is a list of things I would NOT like for Mothers’ Day:

Croc heels:


granny panties from JC Penny’s


…and a visor organizer designed to fit 7 pounds of crap on your HAT.



Bossy says: Ditto. Totally, right down to the cute yellow flats. And no Visor-ganizers for her either.

by BOSSY on May 10, 2008

So…how did you make out? I hope you got the gun dish.

by Eric on May 12, 2008

I purchased the Croc heels for Julie and she loved them. They are an everyday wear for her. Maybe you should reconsider.

by Andy Brazelton on May 14, 2008

Leave a comment

Cookies in the Morning


May 8, 2008

I woke up this morning feeling like I needed a crunchy snack, just like last night I needed to eat fried chicken pieces from this Koren Boba Tea place by my school at 10 o’ clock at night, and when I got home I needed to shove a fist full of Oreos in my mouth. And subsequently, I am going to be needing to buy a bigger pant size…

My snack of choice: Chocolate-Orange Espresso Thins.

Oh, and it begs to be said, Espresso is pronounced esss-press-ooh. Not Egg-spess-ooh. Apparently, I am a fool, and have said it wrong the past 1,100 times I’ve said it, and my husband finds that to be an amusing time to mock and jeer me–which I totally understand, and would do the same thing in his position. On with the cookies!

Here’s the recipe (thank you very much Martha Stewart), if you’re so inclined to be baking these for yourself, and I deeply suggest you do, because they’re good:

1 and a half cups of flour
1/2 cup unsweetened Dutch-process cocoa powder
1 and a half teaspoons instant espresso powder
1/2 teaspoon of coarse salt
1 cup (2 sticks) unsalted butter, softened
1 cup of confectioners’ sugar
1 teaspoon of finely grated orange zest
1 teaspoon of pure vanilla extract
coarse sanding sugar for sprinkling

1. Sift together flour, cocoa powered, espresso powder, and salt into a medium bowl, set aside.
2. Put butter, confectioners’ sugar, orange zest, and vanilla in the bowl of an electric mixer fitted with the paddle attachment. Mix on medium speed until pale and fluffy, about 3 minutes.

As the mixer was doing its thing, I turned around and realized that my toddler had opened a bag of Trader Jo’s freeze dried bananas and was eating them off the floor:


And since her most favorite thing to do is put things on her feet, naturally, she put a bowl on her foot:


…and then a sippy cup:


…and lastly, the bag of Trader Jo’s freeze dried bananas:


Reduce speed to medium-low, and gradually add flour mixture until just combined.
3. Transfer dough to a big piece of parchment; shape into a log. Roll in parchment to 1 and a half inches in diameter, pressing a ruler along edge of paper at each turn to narrow, transfer parchment to a paper towel tube; chill at least 2 hours or over night.

This is the sucky part of this recipe, because who wants to wait 2 hours for yummy-tasty cookies? Well, it’s totally worth it, so paint your toe nails, walk the dog, deep condition your hair, and go clean up that mess you made in the kitchen.

4. preheat the oven to 350. cut log into 1/4 inch thick slices; transfer to baking sheets lined with parchment paper. Brush tops with water; sprinkle with sanding sugar. Bake until set, 15-17 minutes. Cool on sheets on wire racks. Store in airtight containers at room temperature up to a week.


They should look just like this, I know mine do.


Is this in her Cookie book? Because I just bought it and thus far I am not impressed. Which is why I’m sending my husband to the kwikeemart to get me a slushee.

by moosh in indy. on May 8, 2008

I am personally partial to chocolate chip cookies, but I tried these ones and they are perfect. Great baking Beckey. I am sad that I forgot to take some home today:(

by jenielle on May 8, 2008

I like to put things on my feet too! I miss Berlyn.

by melinda on May 13, 2008

Leave a comment

Grandma + Lobster


May 7, 2008

I can’t think of anything to write about today, so please enjoy this photo of my grandma and a hallowed out lobster carcass.


…and yes, she’s wearing her napkin as a bib. She wouldn’t want anything to get on her fancy JC Penny blouse adorned with rhinestones, now would she?


I love your grandma. She always talks about my breasts, which is so inappropriately amusing.

by Amanda on May 7, 2008


by moosh in indy. on May 8, 2008

Now that’s fancy!!

by Tootsie Farklepants on May 8, 2008

Leave a comment

Donkeys Made of Marshmallows

1 Comment

May 6, 2008

I just went to the beauty supply store yesterday to buy shampoo and conditioner for myself. Buy the way, being a cosmetologist means you get the stuff WHOLESALE!! WHOO HOO. So, in my mind, buying shampoo that ordinarily costs $30, but I get it for $20, feels like a bargain. Which is absurd, because 20 dollars for shampoo is expensive, and it’s not even a ginormous size–but again, it’s totally justified because it’s a discount.

So, last night I headed off to school to learn about facial manipulations and tapoment, and as intrigued as I was to learn the correct way to pop a zit, all I could think about was going home and washing my hair with my new shampoo and conditioner. Does that make me a massive loser? Who does that? Who daydreams about washing their hair? AND THEN BLOGS ABOUT IT?? me, that’s who…

My enthusiasm was overwhelming when I walked in the door last night, that I dropped my bag immediately, and headed straight to my shower. I washed my hair twice, just because I wanted to, and while my conditioner was working, I read the label on the bottle, I even read the French and Italian directions–just to be thorough. I was so happy. I spent the rest of the evening smelling my wet hair, and whipping it around so that my husband could get a whiff and a face full of slimy slaps of hair–needless to say, he enjoyed that…

I slept with my wet hair and all night I was reminded of my sweet shampoo and conditioner. The smell was heavenly, and I dreamt of sugar falling from the sky and I was floating on a raft made of berries and coconut shells, and donkeys were waving at me from the shore– donkeys made of marshmallows.


1 Comment:

I must get me some of that shampoo ASAP!

by Dianne on May 9, 2008

Leave a comment

Beef Jerky, Dryer Sheets, and Pregnancy Tests


May 5, 2008

Last weekend we were fresh out of nothing, lots of stuff, and looking for something to do, so we headed to Costco. We had no agenda except to load up on free carbs and meat the old ladies in hair nets were passing out. Cookies hot out of the micro-bake and then cut with kid scissors? Yes please!
We walked up and down all the isles. We seriously considered buying a 20 pound tub of beef jerky, a 45 pack of pastel cotton crew socks for women, and an unheard of amount of goat cheese, but instead we were trying to keep our purchases modest. So what actually made it into the cart were 506 count pack of dryer sheets, freezer bags, a whole chicken, fruit snacks, baby wipes, a 12 pound bag of walnuts, and a box of 4 pregnancy tests.

Let me pause the story for a second for a quick interjection: I am not pregnant, and I am not planning on getting pregnant for a while. I just like to have pregnancy test on hand. Kind of like how I always keep a bottle of Manischewitz wine and a box of Matzo Crackers in my cupboard for unexpected visits from my Jewish aunt, Tovha. And when pregnancy test are at Costco for a really good price, you bet I’m buying a box, because I love a bargain.
Back to the story: after our bellies were full with all the cheese balls, corn dogs, and juice the old ladies could legally give us, we headed to the cash register. And we didn’t just go to any cashier, because we specifically wanted to avoid this onry and obnoxious guy that we got last time. Oh, he was the worst, he kept grabbing Berlyn’s feet and smiling too close to my face–ugh, don’t touch my baby and avoid direct eye contact with me, please.
We instead chose the longest line because it was far, far away from mister close smiler/baby feet toucher. We finally got to the cashier and she started ringing up our goods: walnuts, dryer sheets, pregnancy tests.
“OH how fun!! Are you guys trying to get pregnant??” she asks.
I immediately look at the debit card machine, and let my husband handle this, like I always do. Although he just looks back a me and smiles.
“You guys are a cute family, you should totally have another baby! It must be so fun to ‘try.'” She said, and then gave me this haunting look.
Yuck, I thought while trying to concentrate on sliding my card. Aren’t checkers supposed to be discreet with customer’s purchases? Does she comment on everything people buy? What if I bought some jumbo tampons? Would she lament with me about her heavy flow? What about Astroglide? Would she feel entitled to strike up a conversation about vaginal dryness? At this point I was pissed off, and grumbled some stuff under my breath as I looked up at her from under my furrowed brow.

I pushed the cart away in a huff when we were done and she called out behind me, “GOOD LUCK ON MAKING ANOTHER BABY!!”
I was deeply appalled and because I’m so quick on my feet, I turned back at her and said, “Thank you. I appreciate that.”
WHAT??? I don’t appreciate anything she said. But because I’m such a pansy, that’s what came out of my mouth. UGH! Sometimes, I irritate myself.
So, now I have two checkers I avoid when I go to Costco.


Wow, so you guys are trying to get pregnant?
Congratulations, and GOOD LUCK!

It always amazes me when people say we should have another kid because the other two are so cute. As if we’re breeding in order to beautify the planet. WTF?

That Costco rotisserie chicken for $4.99 is da bomb. I wish they sold ’em in a twelve-pak.

by dgm on May 5, 2008

Wow – that’s really inappropriate! Whoa.

by magpie on May 5, 2008

That’s totally wrong. I like to keep extra pg tests around, too. So that way when you really need them, you don’t have to deal with stupid cashier ladies. Or you can buy them in bulk online. 😉

by Marketing Mama on May 6, 2008

Leave a comment

Walking is soo Over Rated


May 2, 2008

How do you not compare? How do you look at other babies and not compare and judge? I could give my left dimpled butt-cheek that your baby sticks his pointer finger high in the air when asked how old he is. Or that your daughter can say 18 words (most of which aren’t words at all, but mere sounds like, Ah, daa, goo. And no, nothing about those words remotely resembled ball, dad, or Guggenheim). But yet, in the back of my mind, while I’m nodding politely at your baby who is using sign language to tell you that he wants his bottle (he’s still using a bottle??), I am judging you. It’s a peaceful and unmotivated judgment, but I am judging you none the less.

But in all fairness and honesty, I think you’re judging me too. You see, I read a statistic in What to Expect, the Toddler Years, that said 90% of all 15 month olds are walking. Which means that my baby is in the 10% group of babies that is not. I don’t know why she isn’t walking yet, and I’ve given her plenty of opportunities. But for some reason her inability to walk is giving me a complex. I feel like I have failed her as a mother, and that she’s missing out on fun activities. I am insecure when we go to play groups and people ask me how old my daughter is, and when I answer, I feel their eyes smugly judging as they watch her crawl around. I know I am crazy for worrying about this, and I’ve been told a handful of times that it’s a blessing by exasperated mothers that are chasing their overactive walkers, but they’re just being nice albeit, a little condescending.

I can’t force her to walk, and from the looks of it, she’s really not all that into it. She pushes things around, and holds my hand, but as soon as I let go she collapses to the floor, and it takes everything in me not to get frustrated. My mom tells me that I didn’t walk until 15 months, and now I’m a fabulous walker. I know nothing is ‘wrong’ with her, but in our twisted society, babies that pick up new things quickly are praised as geniuses and child prodigies, and is it so much to ask that my baby be the best baby in the whole wide world?


perhaps it’s my fault, i’ve been spending much more time teaching her how to flick-navigate photos on the iphone than walk. i bet the other 15-month-olds in her play group can’t do that.

by pat on May 2, 2008

It is just the way it is…I swear it gets a bit easier- but not much. She is perfect and you know that, but it is hard. The whole judgement issue is swirling around us from the moment they come out…A judgement/guilt tornado. Just relax and know that on the day she decides to walk you can look back on this brilliant archive you have created for her and smile…

by amy on May 2, 2008

I just picked up Dooce’s book if you want to have a read when I’m done!

by Amanda on May 2, 2008

My son and youngest daughter walked at 11 months. More importantly, by 7-8 months, they could get anywhere in the house by holding on to things and cruising around.

My middle daughter, she didnt walk until 16 months…and NEVER cruised around or held onto things. If you set her down somewhere, she would stay there until you moved her, she just had no desire to explore.

She is now 5, and not only can she walk, but she has a dance recital tomorrow, and she does a great job…she is ahead of many of her peers in the physical coordination department.

I wondered if she was a dim bulb, if you know what I mean, since she didnt have the urge for curious exploration as a toddler. Quite the contrary, she is very bright, again, ahead of her peers in that area.

I will say, that she is more cuddly and content than my other two….outgoing, but not bouncing off the walls with energy, thank God.

Im sure Berlyn will not only walk soon, but one day you will see this as a part of her personality, a good part.

by heart shaped hedges on May 3, 2008

Berlyn is brilliant. She doesn’t need to walk to prove it! And yes, walking is over rated.

by Dena on May 4, 2008

You said it all in the title!

by Dianne on May 4, 2008

OK so she can’t walk yet no big deal….Cali is 18 months now and all she says is mom and dad. She has been doig this for about a year now and then she just stopped saying new stuff. Well, she does say Ga and Ca and Da and uummmmmmm. Some things come faster for some kids and the stuff that takes more time will hopefully kick in soon.

by Casey on May 5, 2008

Just wait ’til she soars and looks down on them all.

Seriously, they’re all individuals, I tells ya, and they’re gonna do their things when they are nice and ready. I have long believed that babies and toddlers focus either on physical or verbal skillz, but not both at the same time. So you can get this phenomenally physical kid, but he begins speaking later than “normal.”

And finally, sometimes it’s not about a baby’s inability to do something, but her desire not to try yet. My friend’s son, who is the same age as my son, didn’t walk alone until 16 months, but it was more about not wanting to let go of mommy’s finger than a “problem” with his legs. Just think, there’ll come a day Berlyn will be too embarassed to hold your hand.

by dgm on May 5, 2008

Leave a comment

15 Months


May 1, 2008


Berlyn today you are 15 months old. You’re pretty awesome and every time you smile at me, my heart sings a little song. Kinda sounds like a violin, accordion, djembe, acoustic guitar, and a harmonica, and some birds chirping in the background.

You have been doing some funny things lately, like brushing your hair and stroking your face when you watch me get ready. You point emphatically at my eyeball, nose, mouth, and ear because you just learned what those are. And no matter what you’re doing, all I have to say is, “where’s your belly” and you’ll proudly pull your shirt up and show off your perfectly round belly. You’re a gentle and quiet explorer, and you always show me your newest find by sticking it in my face and saying, HERE, although it sounds more like hareer, or awweh, or bfrreo.



You know all kinds of words, some of your favorites are dog, woof, woof, up, zo-zo, daDA, maMA, hey, and hi. You have a great sense of humor and even though you don’t get the joke, you still laugh with zeal.

You love peas, going for walks, dancing to music, helping mama dress you, and pointing at everything until I tell you what it is.


I delight in getting to know you and shaping who you will become. You bring me infinite joy, and I love you so much that I might squeeze you too long, take too many pictures of you, and never want to say goodnight–you’re just going to have to deal with that, FOR THE REST OF YOUR LIFE, sorry.


I probably don’t have to say this, considering I just wrote a long blog about her, but I’m pretty crazy about your kid. She is so lucky to have such loving parents. Watching your family interact makes my ovaries happy.

by Amanda on May 1, 2008

she is perfect and adorable and mark my words- these months right here- they will pass so quickly- this limbo between baby and real toddler…it is pure magic and so fleeting.It is my favorite age. Berlyn kicks Blaise’s ass in vocab BTW! Go girl! xo

by amy on May 1, 2008

Wow! That went by super fast. I love that little girl with all of my heart.

by Dena on May 2, 2008

That is so beautifully put. I know exactly how you feel. Your little beauty is doing everything at her own pace. Raising these little gifts from GOD is a true test. We are the ones growing here!

by Dianne on May 4, 2008

Leave a comment