Baby Hair Clips

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This stupid lady bug clip is a staggering $16.00. Hell no am I buying this for my baby. I love my child very much, and I only want the best clips for the precious hairs on her head, but $16.00? Get out.

Because I’m so frickin’ crafty, I decided to spend $10.00 at Michael’s and make a crap load of clips. I figure this is a much better option, because I know that as soon as I spend $16.00 on a hair clip, it will end up in her poo.

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I should probably clip the clips to a pink bow so it matches the rest of her room, but I was being resourceful, and went with the first ribbon I could find, plus, I asked Berlyn, and she said she doesn’t mind that the bow is brown and blue. I believe her exact words were, “tickle, tickle!”

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I Got a New Bag to Stink Up

I know that you’re all on the edge of your seat and dying to know what is going on with my school bag debacle, so here is the latest:

I was lead to believe from this site, and this site, that the Gryson Target collection would not be released until April 6, but I was at Target yesterday buying toilet paper and Cheez-Its, and I discovered the bags shoved in the back of the handbag section. I quickly tried all of them on, and asked Berlyn for her opinion. She liked the blue one, so I put it in my cart and bought it for 34.99.

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It is so roomy that Berlyn insisted that I put her in there

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Smelly Bag

As you all know, I go to school at night. I bring this mama-jama, honking bag with me that is filled with all sorts of goodies: A magazine, a notebook filled with notes about electrolysis, waxing, block-color techniques, and the annoying people I find myself sitting next to each day. I also have chap stick, a manicuring set, strands of hair that have fallen in after being cut, trail mix, chopsticks, and a reusable plastic bottle for water, just to name a few things. I need to bring each and every item with me to school each day, because if I don’t my mom might die…Okay, so that’s not true, but if I don’t I will feel unprepared and have an unsettling feeling in my tummy that may lead to gastrointestinal upset, and then I’ll have to run next door to Carl’s Jr to use their bathroom, because I can’t use the bathroom at school, because then everyone would know that I had loose stools because I didn’t adequately prepare myself for my day. UGH!
So, the other day the top of my water bottle flipped open and soaked everything in my bag. Which included, but was not limited to: A magazine, a notebook filled with notes about electrolysis, waxing, block-color techniques, and the annoying people I find myself sitting next to each day, chap stick, a manicuring set, strands of hair that have fallen in after being cut, trail mix, and chopsticks. I didn’t notice this awful tragedy until the very next day, so it sat overnight, permeating, and macerating, and soaking everything to the point of being really, really smelly.
I bought this now stinky bag (see figure A) two and a half years ago at Target for 29.99 and it has served me well throughout my time at school: it is noticeable in a crowd, hardworking, and has lots of pockets, but now it’s time for me to say goodbye. I will be sad, BUT–Target has a new line of Gryson bags (see figure B) coming soon, and I will wait diligently until they release them. I feel as though Target has let me down with the Jovovich-Hawk line they just released, but I will not give up on Target, and I am really, really hopeful that the new bags are cute enough for me to purchase and put my chopstick in.
In the mean time I am stuck carrying my reusable grocery bag (see figure C ) which has no pockets, so everything gets jumbled up at the bottom, but is machine washable and light weight, and doesn’t smell like Zoey’s armpits (see figure D).

FIGURE A:
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FIGURE B:

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FIGURE C:

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FIGURE D:

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Deep Fried Hair and Turkey Carvers

I want to cut all my hair off and deep fry it with a touch of coconut oil. Here’s why:
for 4 days and counting there is construction going on at my house…and no, I’m not renovating my kitchen. Although that would be nice; I’d put in some new lighting, pull out the counter-tops, and the cabinetry, and relocate a wall…or two, maybe add an island with a small prep-sink, some drop pendant lights, and a Viking range–

But what is really going on, is the association has been notified of some rotting wood in some of the houses (read: ALL THE HOUSES), and they are sending a crew out to replace all the icky wood. In our house they are working on the front gate, the planter box outside our bedroom window, and the beam outside of Berlyn’s window. Yippie! I can hardly handle all my excitement. So currently, as I write this, there is a man right outside my front window, (whom I can see), and he is chip-chipping away at our front gate with a crow-bar and one of those electric turkey carvers. Meanwhile, my child is trying to get her morning nap in, and my dog is running around in concentric circles, convinced that if she completes one more circle, the loud men will leave our house. And this defiantly disrupts my very important morning ritual of catalog flipping, blog reading, and coffee sipping.
Ugh.

I Should Make a Muffin Basket for my Baby’s Doctor

As Berlyn gets older, her pediatrician appointments become more spread out. They started out every month, and then all of a sudden my baby’s doctor decided that I knew what I was doing, and we didn’t need to see her as much. This is disconcerting.
My Pediatrician: (while looking at her charts) Looks like I won’t need to see Berlyn for 4 more months.

Me: Wait, are you sure? 4 months sounds like a long time. Do you actually trust me to go 4 months without seeing you? I’m new at this. What if she chokes on an raspberry, or poops orange, or what if she gets a hangnail, and it gets infected?

My Pediatrician: She’ll be fine, if anything happens, just call us.

Me: Okay, but say I just wanted to stop in and say hi, and since I was already there, maybe you would be able to weigh Berlyn, and check her temperature, and watch the new skill she just learned, just for old time’s sake?

It’s not so much the fear that I am doing something wrong, but I enjoy a simple acknowledgment followed by a hearty pat on the shoulder every now and again-especially if it is coming from a licensed medical doctor who used to be Chief Resident at CHOC…

Ma-ma and Da-da’s Night Out

We celebrated our anniversary last night. We went to Laguna Beach and ate at Hush, a restaurant where there is always a Bentley and a Rolls Royce parked in the front. We thought it for sure had to be good, because why else would ridiculously rich people always want eat there?

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I’m showing off my cute new dress.

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We got this chocolate dome thing. I wanted to cup it in my hands and cuddle with it, but I ate it instead–it was good.

Oh Shit!

I put Berlyn down for a nap fully clothed and a tad ornery. She was sleepy, but I heard her rolling around in her crib for a good twenty minutes before she nodded off. I didn’t check on her, because she was almost through reading “Animals to Count.” It was a nail biter for her, so you can understand me not wanting to disturb her precious down-time. She finally finished babbling and took a nap for about an hour and a half.

When I returned to her room after her nap, I found her sans clothing. She had taken off her t-shirt and pants, and only had on her diaper–which she had successfully soiled. As I neared her crib I noticed that she was lightly covered in FECES! It was on her belly, all mashed in and swirled about, and there was a poo-crusty on her finger and shockingly, ON HER FACE. I can’t say with certainty that she ate any poop, but my mind wandered to a dark, poo-eating place. I immediately panicked and yelled for my husband. The way I was shrieking you’d swear she coughed up a baby gorilla. Pat came in a tried to calm me down, but I couldn’t; my sweet, adorable baby was covered in HER OWN POO! I worked quickly to wipe her down and sanitize her entire body, and as I did, she giggled and clapped in delight:

“Oh, mom, I had so much fun after you shut the door to my room. I took off all my clothes and threw them out of the crib, then I reached into my squishy diaper and found all this fun goo to play with. It was the best.”

I striped the bed and boiled the sheets–ewww and double yuck. I didn’t know what to do about the alleged poo-eating, so I reached for the phone to call the nurse at her pediatrician’s office. I left a long descriptive message about how ordinarily Berlyn is a charming young lady who minds her manners and enjoys hot tea and crumpets at high-noon. I didn’t know what I was expecting them to tell me, but I felt better about letting them know what was going on in my home.

The nurses never called me back. They probably thought I was insane for calling, and most parents should just laugh about it and move on with their day. So, now I have this vision that the nurses are all playing back my message to their nurse/doctor friends for a good chuckle.

Thanks Berlyn, now we’re the laughing stock of the office.