Meet My Baby: The Baby

When am I going to stop referring to her as “the baby”? It’s always, “the baby” this, and, “the baby,” that, I never use her name. When she’s a year old, do I continue the trend and call her, “the toddler”? It’s not like I am making a conscious decision to call her, “the baby,” it’s just the first thing that comes to mind.
I think I’ll stop calling her “the baby” when we have a second baby, or when she starts her period. whichever comes first.

Goodbye Baby Weight, Hello Sweater Season

I am finally within 5 pounds of my goal weight, and just my luck, summer is coming to a close. It’s not like I would actually dance around in a bikini when I reach my goal, but I’d like to have the option. It’s been a slow journey to get the pounds off. I lost 20 pounds within one week of coming home from the hospital, just by breathing. But then, out of no where, I gained back 8 pounds. How uninspiring. Since then I’ve been whittling down the chub doing random stuff. My favorite is pushing the stroller up the hills in my neighborhood. When I don’t want do leave the house, I’ll pop in a Billy Blanks DVD–but that’s really hard, and my ass becomes so sore afterward, that I’m scared to go up my stairs while I hold my baby. I fear that all that squatting will make my legs give out and some how I’ll slip and fall forcing me to throw Berlyn into the air, get tangled in the lighting fixture, and then bounce off the wall and land on our very crusty carpet. I can’t deal with that kind of anxiety when I’m trying to loose weight.
Every night my husband I walk the dog with the baby in the stroller, a few times I tried to do lunges and high kicks while out, but my husband was embarrassed to be seen with me. But I don’t blame him, I looked like a total ass.

Don’t Touch My Baby

I know she’s way beyond newborn, but don’t touch her. The next time someone touches my baby I’m going to touch them, it’s only fair. Yes, she’s super cute, she gets that from me, but there is really no need to touch her. I have never touched another person’s baby. Perhaps that stems from the fact that I never liked babies until I got my own. But still, it’s just plain rude to touch other people’s stuff. And don’t even think about asking me if you can touch her.
I was in the grocery store with my baby in the Bjorn. I was squeezing some avocados and Berlyn was kicking her legs while chewing on the fabric of the Bjorn. This sweet, bright eyed little girl walked over to us and was enamored with Berlyn. The little girl kept inching closer while I perused the heirloom tomatoes. She said hi and Berlyn replied with a hardy fart/grunt combo. As the little girl reached for one of my child’s girthy legs, I swiftly grabbed for a produce bag, and she missed. Then she looked up at me, and politely asked, “can touch her?”
I’m all, “no,” and turned around and walked away.

Mommy Etiquette

I’m no Emily Post; I never realize that my elbows are on the table until around the time dessert is served, I burp, and pick at my teeth.
But there should be some type of manual on mom etiquette. I was out with a few other babies, all older than my little pumpkin, and all little boys. We were playing nice, until one little sucker banged a plastic rake on my baby’s head. His mother was off rummaging for some cherrios, and didn’t see her child’s act of terror on my baby’s head. I was a bit stunned, and didn’t know what to do. I’m not very good with kids, so I just gave the 14 month old a dirty look. That didn’t do much, because he just did it again. Finally the mom noticed and took action. Here’s the dilemma: should I have tried to get mom’s attention, so she could have seen first hand that her child was a booger? Do I tell on the kid? Or do I discipline him? What do I know about disciplining someone else’s kid? Do people get offended by that? Especially since I was the newcomer in the group, I don’t want those mom’s to think I’m a tattletale. Obviously, I shielded by baby’s head when the wrath of the rake came down on her, but other that that, what where my options?